I struggle with what I tell myself about myself. When I chose to leave Thailand in 2014 and eventually my marriage, I was challenged at first to believe I even made a choice. I felt like events were happening to me and I felt out of control. I felt like a victim. I was angry with myself. I was not sure I did enough, tried hard enough.
When I returned home to Los Angeles, I began going to Shabbat services again at Stephen Wise Temple, something I desperately missed while on the road for eighteen months. In addition to going to services every Friday, I also met with my rabbi and went to temple events. Rabbi Harold Kushner spoke one night about his book, In his book, Kushner writes: “Prayer, as I understand it, is not a matter of begging or bargaining. It is the act of inviting God into our lives so that, with God’s help, we will be strong enough to resist temptation and resilient enough not to be destroyed by life’s unfairness.” I realized this is what I needed. I felt life was so unfair. I worked so hard on the road to build my business and my relationship but it was not enough. I felt like a failure. I needed to find a new vision which seemed to get better when I invited God in through prayer. I needed to find faith that I would be okay again someday.
Kushner talks about faith through science and says: “no scientist has ever seen an electron, but all scientists agree that electrons exist. No physicist has ever seen a quark, but all physicists believe that quarks are real. Why? Because when they look into their microscopes, they see things happening that could only happen if quarks and electrons existed. I believe in the reality of God the way scientists believe in the reality of electrons. I see things happening that would not happen unless there is a God.” Kushner believes because of what else he sees. I decided to borrow his belief and keep going.
I was at first angry at myself and angry at God. It helped me to read Kushner’s words: “God Does Not Send the Problem; God Sends Us the Strength to Deal with the Problem.” I did not believe him but I kept reading. I wanted to find a way to have God on my side and stop being angry at my own team.
Kushner continues and suggests to: “find God not in the tests that life imposes on us but in the ability of ordinary people to rise to the challenge, to find within themselves qualities of soul, qualities of courage they did not know they had until the day they needed them.” I did have the strength and the courage to change my situation when I needed to. It did not feel good or graceful or elegant. It only felt necessary. I did what I had to do for myself. As Kushner says, “God sends us strength and determination of which we did not believe ourselves capable, so that we can deal with, or live with, problems that no one can make go away.” I did take care of myself.
And as the Persian poet Rumi once wrote, “Light enters at the place of the wound.” I was deeply hurt and it has taken a long time for me to heal. Going to temple and thinking about God has really helped me during this evolution. I have felt unsure what to do most of the time but it has been important to have structure and to go to synagogue on Shabbat and to belong and to listen.
I believe that Kushner is correct when he writes: “God does not send the problem; genetics, chance, and bad luck do that. And God cannot make the problem go away, no matter how many prayers and good deeds we offer. What God does is promise us, I will be with you; you will feel burdened but you will never feel abandoned.” I did really want a magic wand to make my problems go away but that did not work so well. Finding a team of support to assist me including prayer has helped. Things are so different and so much better.
I have found like Kushner says, “God is saying to Moses, as He will have occasion to say to every one of us, “Ehyeh imach”: I won’t do it for you, I won’t do it without you, but I won’t leave you to do it alone. I will be with you when you summon up the courage to do it, and I will give you qualities of strength and soul that you didn’t know you were capable of.” I believe I have not been alone even when I felt alone and I have had more strength and soul than I knew I was capable of.
I truly appreciate the team that has surrounded me and supported me. Harold Kushner’s talk and book have been great inspiration as have all the rabbis, friends and family who have been with me on this journey back to myself.
I want to share one of my most recent videos with ” target=”_blank”>I'm Judging You, as well as Harold Kushner's book,