February 20, 2019

Dating 101: Divorce & Sowing Wild Oats

I had a date Friday night with a lovely man. He was sweet, handsome, and a gentleman. We met for a drink and hung out for a couple of hours. He has been divorced for about a year and a half and I was his first date. Yup, first date since his divorce. It was lovely that he asked me and I found it charming he chose to spend time with me.

He has two kids, a job he enjoys, a home he is proud of, and a Jewish sensibility. I liked him and felt comfortable right away. The one thing I took way from our date however, was how much he spoke of his ex-wife. It was a lot. Constant actually. Every question somehow included her and every story he shared also found a way back to her.

He was unaware he was doing it. I pointed it out a few times and he seemed embarrassed so I felt for him. He’s great and I think he’ll make a wonderful partner one day, but that day is not now and that partner is not me. This man needs to sow some wild oats. He needs to date, get his footing back, and lead with how great he is, not her.

This is a good man and I wish him well. We are simply at different stages in our searches and I hope he not only finds a wonderful woman, but has fun while looking for her. We’re not the same people in our 50’s we were in our 20’s, so he needs to rediscover himself, so he can redefine himself, so he can talk about himself and not his past.

I don’t often think about a man being fragile after divorce, but they are. Men tend to recover quicker in terms of how fast they get back into a relationship, or perhaps just sleep with someone, but there’s pain and suffering to a man’s heart and ego in the same way as to a woman. At the end of the day starting over after divorce is hard.

The good news is there is someone for everyone. I am certain of it. Part of dating is being able to not only know who is right for you, but who is wrong. You must be honest with yourself and know what you are looking for. They may not look like what you expect them to, but they should be the person you truly want and deserve.

Be brave. Date with hope and without expectation. Think outside the box and throw out your list of things you think a person needs to have in order to be a match. Love is grand and searching for it can be wonderful, so cut yourself some slack, date with a plan, know your own worth, don’t settle, and remember to keep the faith.