November 20, 2018

Dating 101: Red Flags

I took a jab at Boots on here last week and people asked me about it. Please know I am fine with the end of our relationship, because it turns out it wasn’t really a relationship. It was more of an experiment. Can a man use the kindness of one good woman, to get back one bad woman? The answer is yes.

People want to know if there were red flags I chose to ignore. Red flags are always a part of dating, but choosing to ignore them is not something I do. I talk about red flags, don’t turn away from them. The truth is I was honest with Boots from our first meeting. He tried to be honest, but in the end was incapable.

The woman he got back with is the same one who broke his heart. When he was healing and the damage she did was being reversed, she came back to break him again. In the end these two highlight what it means to be selfish more than focus light on my inability to spot red flags. Boots had an agenda from the start.

I am an advanced communicator. If I want answers, I ask questions. If I don’t understand something, I seek clarification. If I feel something, I share so the person who inspired the feeling doesn’t need to guess what I'm feeling. When red flags came up I addressed them and Boots lied in reply. It is that simple, he lied.

I am not making excuses for Boots, but he is broken and that isn’t his fault. It is his fault however, for returning to the scene of the crime and allowing the person who broke him to do it again. That makes him an idiot not a bad guy. I'm not mad at Boots for what he did or at myself for falling for it. I am saddened by the ending.

People always want to place blame. It was his fault because he lied. It was my fault for believing his lies. It was her fault for wanting him to be as miserable as her. Maybe it was nobody’s fault. By nobody of course I mean it was his fault, but there is no need to place blame. At the end of the day we dated and it didn’t work out. It happens.

There are no guarantees in life, especially not in relationships, so when things don’t end well, you move on. There is anger and disbelief, but ultimately hope that things happen for a reason and happiness will be found. I wish Boots happiness. I adored him and his family, so there is no ill will. I have survived greater things.

Breakups suck. Especially when the other person involved is unable to be kind. I have seen no kindness from Boots. It isn't that he wasn't the man I thought he was, but more that he wasn't the man he portrayed himself to be. I am smart enough to know that is more about him than me. Boots is emotionally stunted.

Important to note this was not just dating. We were in a relationship. We met each other's families and friends. We were involved in each other's work life. We were planning ahead. He didn't pull the wool over my eyes, but rather over everyone's eyes. This was an elaborate plan, which is impressive from someone so simple.

I didn't ignore red flags or turn a blind eye to things I should have paid attention too. All I did was believe lies. Did I see and hear what I wanted to see and hear?  No. I am wiser and more evolved than that. I am not weak or stupid for believing what I was told, but he is certainly weak and stupid for lying. It's not complicated.

I have a blessed life and everything is good. I am kind to myself and that is important. I handled myself with decency and am proud of that. I’m dating, keeping my heart open, letting go of the past, and avoiding douchebags. I reamain hopeful there is friendship, sex, and love in my future. I am saying a prayer and keeping the faith.