December 11, 2018

Dating 101: Almost Divorced & Quitting Smoking

I had two dates last week. Both liars and neither particularly bright. Bless them. I don’t understand the concept of lying while dating, and have to laugh when the lies begin right at the start. By right at the start, of course I mean before we even meet. I went in with no expectations, but both dates ended badly.

I met the first man for a cocktail. He was there when I arrived, looked like his picture, was charming, and we settled into a nice chat. The conversation was easy and we started the dance people do when getting to know each other. After an easy 30 minutes, with no warning, he dropped a major lie.

He let me know he was “almost” divorced. His profile said divorced and when we chatted he told me he'd been divorced 3 years. Cut to him letting me know he “wants to be honest” and when he said he was divorced, he really meant he'd been separated for three years and was “almost divorced”. Dear Lord.

He shared there is no rush because they’re both over it, and the divorce will happen soon. Really? I am quite certain his “almost” has no end in sight and would venture he wants to stay married and have some fun while on his little break. I told him as much and he didn’t deny it, simply tried to change the subject.

I point blank asked him if the goal was to get back with his wife and he wanted to talk about having another round. It was weird. By weird of course I mean this guy is a pig and should not be dating. There is simply no need to lie about this shit and I would love to talk to his wife. A lie will never serve you well.

There are women who will date a man who is separated. There are even women who will date a man with a rock collection or porn fetish. There is someone for everyone so just be honest about yourself and you will find someone who is accepting of you. Stop lying because it is stupid and you look like a moron.

Perhaps people think they’re not desirable and feel the need to embellish themselves. Like when Boots said he was a decent guy when he was really a pathological liar. In the end you are a liar, which makes you less desirable. I keep finding liars. I guess I'm just lucky like that. I wish my luck was lottery focused.

I met the second man for coffee. He was a little more rock and roll than men I usually date, but had a great sense of humor. When he arrived I stood up to give him a hug and when we released from the quick embrace, I noticed he only had one arm. He also smelled like he had just finished a cigarette.

I thought it was odd he hadn't mentioned having one arm, but didn’t really think about it because I was overwhelmed by the smell. His profile said he was a nonsmoker, but he had clearly had a cigarette on his way over. I was certain the hug had transferred the smell onto me so I was pissed off.

I smoked for 20 years, which makes me militant about it. I'm also a cancer survivor, so smoking is not negotiable.  Boots smoked a vapor cigarette, which was gross and another thing he lied about. I only point it out to remind everyone he is pathological and to annoy him. Too soon? No.

Smokey is chatting and I can't focus because he stinks. Important to note he didn’t mention his one arm on the phone or during the date. Additionally, he has 6 pictures on his dating profile and none of them show he is missing an arm. One could go so far as to say he purposely does not show it.

Sidebar: I asked my social media followers if they found it odd he hadn’t mentioned the arm. Some felt he didn’t mention it because it doesn’t define him. Others thought he didn’t tell because he was nervous about rejection, while some thought it was shady. There was 100% agreement on the smoking though.

After a few minutes I couldn’t stand the stink and asked why he said he was a nonsmoker if he clearly smokes. He said he was quitting. I told him he should put on his profile he is quitting. He said he was closer to being a nonsmoker than a smoker. I asked why he couldn’t wait to smoke until after our date. He asked why I was so wound up. Really? I wasn’t wound up.

I was simply fascinated by his lie. Not his omission about the arm, but his lie about the smoking. Don’t come to a date smelling like a Marlborough if you’re a nonsmoker. Dumbass. Take your cigarettes and fuck off liar. There are days I  marvel I even bother anymore. It would be so much easier to get a cat and call it a day.

I’m not one to take the easy road though. Married guy sent an email to say sorry. I didn’t respond. Smoker guy called but I didn’t answer. I have a date Tuesday night. Not because I am a glutton for punishment, but rather because I remain hopeful. Losers test me but I am fabulous and always keeping the faith.