December 17, 2018

Melting in Los Angeles

I have seriously had enough.  I never thought the day would come when I would admit this publically but here we go: I AM OVER THE VALLEY. I’m sure part of it is because I am Canadian and there is just something wrong about it being over 100 degrees, but there is nothing attractive about sweat.  Well sometimes there is, and he has to be very attractive, but not when you’re walking from the house to the car.  How does one look cute when you’re melting? How do you pull off a heat wave Jewfro? Well, you can’t.

I bet it was cooler in parts of Africa than it is in the San Fernando Valley today.  I want to move to Kenya just to get some cooler temperatures. For those of you not from Los Angeles, there is a rivalry between the people of “the valley” and those from “over the hill”.  They are west side snobs.  I have staunchly defended my beloved valley from the bashers who live on the west side.  They can talk about their ocean and cool breezes all they want and it does not faze me. But today is a struggle because the valley is a volcano.

I live in a wonderful neighborhood, close to everything I need, and the beach is only 20 minutes away. By 20 minutes of course I mean with no traffic, which means I would need to drive to the beach at 2:00 am, but still, it can be done in 20 minutes and that is my point. It is 106 now and expected to top 109 tomorrow. Um, no. I cannot stand it. Important to note that when I walk past the control of my central air conditioning, I swear I can hear it telling me to go screw myself, which is not happening in this heat.

As soon as it cools down I will declare the bashing of my beloved valley was brought on by heat stroke and I could not control myself. For now all I can do is pray the power stays on, and whisper sweet nothings to the AC in the hopes it does not give up on me.  Perhaps this is a sign of the apocalypse, or a gentle nudge that I’m supposed to move, either way can we just cool it down a smidge? No need for it to ever be this hot, unless you’re swimming up to a bar in a pool. I’m ordering dinner in, praying for relief, and keeping the faith.