December 10, 2018

Forgiveness & Saying Sorry to Yourself

I had a great weekend. There was learning, happiness, a touch of magic, and a small emotional breakdown. It felt quite real at the time it was happening, but this morning it looks ridiculous and I am more embarrassed than anything else. It would be funny if it weren’t so pathetic. I struggled with demons and that is never good. 

I stumbled over a piece of history and instead of picking myself up right away and shaking it off, I opted to stay down and wallow in bullshit. It was my own fault, and I knew better, but the shock of the fall took me by surprise, so wallowing began before I could get up. Once it started, I just sat on my ass and let it take over.

I am not interested in drama, yet I spent an entire day creating drama in my own mind. I then invited the drama to get comfortable and stay a while. Because I’m a giver,  I then decided to share the drama! What was I thinking? Note to self: Do not create drama and for the love of God, when you do, keep that shit to yourself.

I sometimes stumble, especially as a mom. I don’t forgive myself, as much as I pray I’m not screwing up my kid too bad! I have stumbled in friendships and at work, but when I do I try to fix things right away. I worry about everyone being okay, but often leave myself unchecked. Today however, I need to check on me and say sorry to myself.

By forgiving myself I take back control. I pray when I stumble again I stand up faster. I pray for forgiveness to be sent my way, and hope that what tried to break something beautiful, will instead inspire bravery and make it stronger. I lost my footing but am back on solid ground, and keeping the faith.