January 20, 2019

Real Housewives of Atlanta Week 1 Recap

Typos are lovingly provided by Jose Cuervo.

I have been waiting for these ladies to come back for a long time. How long? The five weeks that we’ve been watching New Jersey. The Garden State is giving us nothing, so I am now hoping Atlanta can deliver what Jersey is not, and that is entertainment. My hopes are high, my glass is full, with tequila, and I am ready.

We start with Kandi, who wants us to think her restaurant has lines around the corner. She’s on camera a minute and is plugging Xscape. Kandi is a hustler, so good for her. By hustler of course I mean she’s driven by money. I suppose that’s necessary when so many depend on you for money, including your spouse.

Over to Cynthia, she is fifty and looks amazing. She is going to have a big birthday party, months after her birthday, because that is when production started and she needed them to pay for the party. Nene comes for a visit and angels sing. Amen! I am very happy to see Ms. Leakes back on this show as only she can save it, and watching her is fun.

Cynthia tells Nene that kenya got married. Cynthia, one of Kenya’s best friends, does not know who she married or what his name is, but she is happy for her fake friend. Nene is not buying it for one minute and wants to see a marriage license. Cynthia says it is real and they have been in love for 8, 6, 4, months!

Kenya arrives and after some coy bullshit lets us know she did in fact get married. Good for her.  Kenya eloped and didn’t invite anyone, including her dad. Sidebar: the woman has been trying to get married since she got on this show and she eloped? Whatever. She won’t tell the ladies his name and I’m about done.

Kenya is not living with her husband because they need to find a house. The house she spent an entire season working on is not good enough? I call bullshit and I am taking a shot in honor of Nene, who we are watching breathe life back into this tired show. There is a lot of recapping which is a drag, but I’m still in.

Over to Porsha, watching her eat is gross and watching her shoes that don’t fit is hilarious. She still works at Dish, has a podcast, and should have been fired along with Phaedra. Porsha is as pretty as she is stupid and I don’t get why she is still here. Porsha still talks to Phaedra, proving exactly how stupid she is.

Porsha has not spoken to Kandi, which is stupid. She is giving it time, which translates to her not bothering unless the cameras were filming. Back to Nene, she has opened a boutique with sizes for women who eat and those who don’t. Perfection. Sheree is back, throwing shade, and wearing some really bad hair.

Nene tells Sheree all about Kenya’s husband and Sheree is also not buying it. Sheree asks Nene is she knows about the Phaedra/Kandi/ Porsha drama and Nene is in the know. Nene thinks Porsha is as much to blame as Phaedra. Agreed. She also thinks Porsha is not a good friend and she can’t be bothered with her.

Jump to Kenya calling her dad and him asking if it is true she got married. Dear Lord. This smells like bullshit. He is not pleased with her, he is not happy, and I do not believe that she wouldn’t invite her dad after she has been dreaming of this day for her entire life. Something is not right here, but her dad is lovely.

Porsha is meeting with Sheree and they are wig shopping for Cynthia’s birthday party. Everyone is supposed to dress up as Cynthia, which I think is hilarious. Sidebar: It is clear that none of these women speak or have relationships unless the cameras are going. For some reason it doesn’t bother me so much.

Porsha is mad Nene told Andy Cohen Porsha should be fired. Blah, blah, blah. We all think she should have been fired. Don’t hate the messenger, especially when the messenger is sharing the opinion of so many. Time for Cynthia’s birthday, which is being used as a way for everyone to see each other after so many months.

Cynthia calls Peter to see if he’s coming, and of course he’s not.  I don’t get why there is so much talk of Peter. You left him so move on already. Nene points out that Kenya wouldn’t tell her the name of her husband, but shared it on social media.  Kandi arrives and is annoyed she was not told about the wedding. Very strange.

This party is weird and frankly awkward because everyone is faking relationships that do not exist in real life. Kandi hugs Porsha, but doesn’t want to hang out with her. Then why hug her? Sheree is forcing Porsha to fix things with Nene. Oy vey how old are these fools? Nene says Porsha is not a good friend and it is on.

Porsha is mad Nene said she would be fired and Nene denies saying any such thing. Nene wants to talk about how things fell apart, but Porsha wants to talk about what Nene said three weeks ago. Porsha is standing up for herself, Nene is trying to bulldoze her, and Atlanta is back in full swing and keeping it real.