November 20, 2018

Real Housewives of New Jersey Week 5 Recap

Typos are lovingly provided by Jose Cuervo.

I love this show but as I watch week five it occurs to me I am not invested. There is no interesting storyline, and the new chick makes me itchy. I am watching of course, but writing about it is becoming increasingly difficult because nothing good is happening. If we don’t get something to sink our teeth into this week, I fear for my liver. Jose is here and ready to make out, so I’m doing a shot and going in.

We start with Margaret, who has a shoe line coming out. I don’t get how someone with such strange style is selling style. Makes no sense to me. Her friend comes over to recap Siggy’s party. I don’t get why this chick was cast. We quickly cut to Dolores and her strange living arrangement. She is dating a new guy, but living with her ex. I could never do it. Good for her. She should just remarry her ex.

Now Dolores is recapping Siggy’s party to her ex and son. You know it is a shitty season if all they are doing is recapping to people. Is there is not enough good footage to give us an hour of television? They are spending half the time recapping! Dear Lord. Leave the recapping to the professionals and find a storyline already. Surely one of these women can become interesting, even for just a minute.

Over to Teresa, she’s at the new restaurant. Joe says he is in business with his sister, but he never said that last week. This is a bunch of bullshit. The best storyline is Teresa’s dad. By best of course I mean only. The restaurant is full of family pictures, but Melissa brought a picture of herself. Teresa mentions it is gross and Melissa is offended. Such old news.

We jump to Gia shopping with Teresa. Gia is very short and super bitchy. They are preparing to go on a family trip to Puerto Rico. Gia tells Teresa she doesn’t discipline and it is a strange scene. Teresa is lovely and I feel for her, but this is a painful attempt to be interesting. She is the best part of this show, but is giving us nothing, which is a real shame because she is usually great television.

Cut to Siggy and I just noticed in her intro video her kids are in it, but not her husband. Is that new? Siggy is having dinner with her parents, who are adorable. Siggy cries when talking about her son going to college and being rude to her. I feel for her and her mom when she recounts Sig leaving Israel for America. I would lose my mind if my son moved to another country. Siggy has to let stuff go already.

Back to Teresa, Melissa and Joe have come over for some scripted family time. Painful. Melissa is trying to act and it is hilarious. Dear Lord. Teresa apologizes to Melissa for being mean about her participation in the restaurant. Teresa says she was mean to get back at her because she knocked her parenting. How old are we? There is a tasting at the fake restaurant happening. I don’t buy the restaurant stuff.

Everyone is invited, including Siggy, who Melissa says would cry if she didn’t invite her. Everyone has a hard on for Siggy, which I kind of get, but also think should have run its course already. Cut to Siggy and her husband out for an anniversary dinner. They’ve known each other for 11 years and are a cute couple. Michael wants her to slow down and not work so hard, but she wants to work more.

Siggy wants to start doing seminars and overnight retreats to help people. Michael is not that into it. Siggy’s son is leaving and she is desperate to fill up her time so she doesn’t sit in his room and cry. Important to note I am writing this while sitting in my son’s room crying. My son leaves in two days and I am not sure what I am going to do. It’s a shame the others can’t give Siggy some compassion.

Over to Margaret and a review of her business. She is working on shoes and they are, what is the word I’m looking for……. ugly. Back to Teresa, it is time for the restaurant tasting event. Everyone is in black, except for Melissa, who is in blue. She’s ridiculous. Siggy is going to support Melissa and Tre, but the set up to the tasting is not a good sign. Siggy and Dolores are not going to be received well.

I don’t get how things went so bad so fast for Dolores and Siggy. I mean I get why for Siggy, because she can’t let the cake go, but Dolores is an innocent bystander getting sucked into the Siggy drama, which is a drag. When Siggy goes off it is ridiculous because there is crying and it is loud. When Dolores goes off however, it is Mob Wives style and I can’t wait. Maybe we’ll finally get good TV.

Margaret arrives and Melissa immediately starts licking her ass. Teresa calls her dad “PaPa” and I almost spit out my tequila. Siggy arrives and is lovely to all, then Danielle arrives and my lower back starts to spasm. Talk turns to Dolores living with her ex and Margaret comes to her defense. There is a lot of fight set up happening and so this cannot end well. Something bad is about to happen.

Danielle immediately changes the subject to her and asks Teresa is she believed her or Dolores. Siggy suggests Dolores is not a liar, Teresa doesn’t say who she believed, then Margaret turns on Dolores and Melissa says Danielle is misunderstood. Oy vey! For anyone to think Danielle can be trusted over anyone is the dumbest thing they have ever tried to sell us on this show. Come on.

Melissa is being a moron and Siggy is making it all about her and I’m about done. Siggy insists she is more misunderstood than Danielle and it is on. Blah, blah, blah. The tasting begins and everyone loves the food. Things are going fine, then Siggy ruins it again. She just can’t stop. It is an uncontrollable need to dig herself a hole. Bless her. Dolores arrives and ignores Danielle. No good can come of that.

Joe Gorga tries to get involved and it is strange. Margaret calls out Dolores and Siggy for recapping and I am laughing my ass off. Stop with the recapping! Margaret goes over, Siggy is ready to blow, and it is painfully clear that Margaret is a shit stirrer and Danielle never should’ve been brought back because she brings nothing to the show. Maybe it is coming, but right now she is useless and annoying.

Siggy is screaming that she is not over not being invited to the floral ceremony in Florida. Siggy and Dolores knock Margaret’s business and the gloves are off. Dolores is accused of being Siggy’s puppet and when she tries to explain herself, Teresa gets involved and Dolores goes after Teresa. Siggy then gets up to leave and Dolores goes with her. Oy vey with this already. These people are embarrassing themselves.

Siggy is acting like a child hopped up on too much sugar and Danielle is going after Dolores in a desperate attempt to get some camera time. For Danielle to have an opinion on who Dolores lives with or dates is hilarious. Dolores is kind to the father of their children and Danielle is a whore. Apples and oranges. I’m bored. These chicks have one more week to suck me in and start keeping it real.