November 18, 2018

Real Housewives of New Jersey Week 2 Recap

Typos are lovingly provided by Jose Cuervo.

Even though this is week two, we just heard the new taglines, so let’s start there.

Dolores: Look loyalty up in the dictionary, and you’ll find my face.

I like her, and she seems loyal, so I don’t got nothing on this one.

Melissa: The only life I envy, is my own.

That doesn’t make sense, much like Melissa.

Margaret: I bring the power, the pigtails, and the party.

I can’t with this one season chick.

Siggy: My motto is know your worth, leave the rest to your plastic surgeon.

I have a feeling Siggy is in for a very bumpy ride.

Teresa: If you’re not about the Namaste, get the hell out of my way.

Love. Love. Love. #TeamTeresa

I’ve got Jose by my side and I’m going in. Important to note I had a cocktail after work and there is a shot standing by in case of emergency.

Still in Boca, Melissa and Teresa have ruined the very expensive cake Siggy got for Melissa. Siggy is annoyed, Margaret tells her to take it down a notch, Siggy tells her to go fuck herself, and everyone is strangely mellow, except for Siggy. She is livid, which is quite entertaining. These women are good television. Not in the same fun way as the ladies of NYC, but more of a gutter fun.

Everyone is checking in with New Jersey. Teresa is lovely, Melissa is painfully aware of the camera, Siggy is hungover and sad. She says she’s humiliated, which is a bit over the top, but then so is Siggy. Cut to Dolores’s house and her son and ex-husband. Yummy, yummy, ding dong. I don’t get this relationship, but it isn’t for me to get. Nice she can be with her ex without puking.

Dolores and her ex are upset their son is being lazy and not focused on getting into college. The dad says don’t embarrass us. Um, not cook Frank. Each kid has their own path. Back in Boca, the girls are going to do yoga, and Siggy and Dolores are blowing it off. Margaret is mad Siggy bailed on her, since she was the only one she knows. Margaret is a shit stirrer and I’m not a fan.

Everyone is talking shit about Siggy, and Margaret says Sig owes all of them an apology. Important to note Margaret’s lipstick is hideous.  Teresa is now a certified yoga instructor and is leading the women in a class, while Siggy is still complaining about their behavior at dinner. Oy vey Sig. She has got to let this shit go before they blame it on being Jewish. Dolores is a fantastic girlfriend.

Sig is overreacting and it is painful because people will think she is mental, but she isn’t, but she is acting mental. Bless her. Yoga continues and the women are sweaty and in need of a cocktail. Amen. Margaret has ordered a wreath of white flowers as a memorial to Teresa’s mom. Sweet gesture but I’m calling bullshit on the sincerity of Margaret. Teresa is super surprised.

Melissa says her heart is beating. Dear Lord. She is so dumb. Of course it’s beating sweetie. Margaret says she saw a wreath set out to sea in Hawaii and even though she just met Teresa, thought it would be nice. It is beautiful, touching, and emotional. If there are no tears however, it is not crying. Sniffing does not a cry make bitches. Sidebar: My mom is visiting and bawling.

She also says Melissa can’t be trusted. Classic. Cut to Tre’s house and Joe is over for a visit with his dad and the kids. Loved every second of it. Back to Boca, Siggy and Dolores join the group and Sig is waiting for an apology, but so are the other women. I’m guessing Margaret blows this one up. Time for a cocktail. By cocktail of course I mean a cocktail and a shot. I love this show.

Siggy is fascinated by the lack of an apology, which is very entertaining. They get to the house of Sig’s friend but before going in, Siggy speaks her mind and says things went too far the night before and asks the girls to behave themselves. Oy. Siggy is lovely about it, but Teresa asks why she invited them if she was worried about it, and now Melissa and Margaret and annoyed.

Siggy says she wants them to experience her Boca lifestyle. Siggy’s friend is talking about how she met Sig and how great she is. Danielle tells them about the memorial Margaret planned for Teresa, and Dolores and Siggy are pissed. Siggy invited them there and for Margaret to not call and tell them about the memorial is shady. I would be totally pissed off it were me.

Ugh. It’s only week two and Siggy is painted out to be the crazy one. I hope she comes to the reunion with her Israeli chutzpah. They are hanging out at the friend’s house and I could not possibly care any less. Teresa having a swimming lesson is hilarious. That said, it would appear Teresa knew how to swim. Come on. Sidebar: My mom loves Teresa and doesn’t get Danielle.

Siggy is still talking about the cake. Oy vey. Margaret asks Dolores if Siggy is okay, and Dolores is a great friend. Margaret is not cute or frankly watchable. Melissa is annoyed with Siggy. Blah, blah. Blah. The girl is thirsty. Dinner tonight will be at Siggy’s home. Siggy is still complaining, Dolores has her back, and I would watch a show with just Siggy and Dolores. Dinner will be bad.

Margaret tells the women in the car Dolores went after her. We now have two camps. No good can come of this. The chef is as delicious as his food. Everyone has an attitude and poor Siggy is still waiting for an apology and cannot hold her tongue for any longer. Sig dives right back in and tells the ladies they were rude and acted like trash. Oy vey Siggy! This is not good for Jews!

There is screaming and yelling and everyone is in it and I am zoning out. I can’t. I’d rather make out with Jose than watch this dinner implode. Siggy is yelling, Danielle is trying to be relevant, Melissa storms off, Teresa is knocking the chef, Dolores is mortified, and I am done. I love this show, I worry about Sig, think Soggy is lame, and am waiting for Danielle to speak up and keep it real.