December 16, 2018

Real Housewives of New Jersey Week 1 Recap

Typos are lovingly provided by Jose Cuervo.

Oh. My. God. I have been waiting for this show to start for a very long time. One can only understand the torment of this wait if they have been watching Dallas and Orange County, which are painful and frankly unwatchable. This show has big shoes to fill because the ladies of New York City gave us a perfect season, but I believe in them. It is good to have them back. Grab a drink because we’re going in!

We begin with Teresa and the passing of her mother. I cried at 2 minutes in. It was bound to happen. Teresa looks beautiful and it is amazing to see how her children have grown. Gia has an attitude, which I suppose is understandable, but they are cute and funny. I will say now, as I have from the beginning, Melania is pure entertainment. They miss Juicy, but are holding their own.

Over to Melissa. She still has a fame whore vibe. I like her husband more than her, but am coming in with an open mind. Her kids are attractive and don’t care about cameras. Melissa talks about how sad Joe is now that his mother has passed, then talks about the very thing that is making him sad. If Melissa is using the passing of her mother-in-law for a storyline I will lose my shit.

Cut to Delores. Her daughter is going to vet school, her ridiculously attractive son is going off to college, and her ex-husband is moving back in because he is breaking up with his girlfriend. Dear Lord. No good can come of that. Over to Siggy, her son is going to college, her daughter is never home, and she is buying college swag, even though she does not know where her son is going. I love these two.

Back to Teresa, she is with Joe packing up their mother’s things. This is painful. Teresa, Joe, and their dad are crying. I can hardly even stand it. Antonia Gorga was a wonderful woman and I feel sad there was so much heartache for her. It is tragic, but a blessing Teresa has so many wonderful moments with her mother captured on film. May she rest in peace and may the family stay strong.

Jump to Melissa, she has cut ties with her business partner. Called that one the first time we met Jackie the partner. That was never going to work out. Ever. Turns out Jackie screwed Melissa out of some clothes, but they were ugly clothes, so no harm no foul. Turns out Jackie took the stolen goods to Kim D.. Perfection. That storyline will get on our nerves, but is entertaining right now.

Back to Teresa, her dad has moved in and looks sad, yet happy to be with her and the girls. She gets flowers from Danielle. Dear Lord. I am excited to see the prostitution whore! Bring her on! Teresa says she has nothing against Danielle, which is ridiculous, but whatever. Tre says she reached out to Danielle to mend fences. Good for her. They bonded over yoga but Tre is proceeding with caution.

Joe takes his dad and the girls out for dinner, and Teresa has her friends over. They toast her mom and Siggy invites everyone to Boca for a break to get away and celebrate Melissa’s birthday. Cut to Siggy talking at an event about her book and relationships. Siggy hugs the new chick, Margaret, and welcomes her to the event. Siggy is loud, but what she is saying has real and important value.

Sidebar: Margaret’s ponytails are almost as hideous as her lipstick. Margaret will be in Florida. Oy vey. Delores is packing for Florida, worried her son and ex-husband will be alone together for the first time in 18 years. All the ladies are packing, their families are trying to be funny, and Melissa is making my lower back spasm. We are off to Florida and Siggy is very excited to share it with the gang.

Everyone is staying in hotel rather than Siggy’s house. Good call. They are only there for 3 days, but you know shit is going to hit the fan. Everyone is going to Siggy’s favorite Boca restaurant for dinner. Margaret turns up and all I can say is no. No. Seriously, no. She is not going to work out. She’s not appealing and this was a bad casting choice. That said, anyone is better than Jacqueline.

Siggy is very excited everyone is in Florida. VERY excited. Melissa sent a naked picture to Joe. Ugh. Who cares? Siggy disrupts the entire restaurant and it is cute, but also making my eye twitch just a tad. Bless her. Margaret says Siggy needs to take it down a notch, which makes me hate Margaret. Mags is a twat and I don’t think she is nearly as fancy or successful as she thinks she is.

Siggy’s husband wants her to work less. Before Margaret gives Siggy advice, she lets us know she left her husband for her contractor. Ugh. Teresa misses Joe and it is hard for her to have him away. Teresa says, without saying it, that she blames Joe for everything that happened. She is resentful of Joe that she lost so much time with her mom while in prison, which she finally blames Juicy for.

Delores says she no longer thinks Teresa will NEVER leave Joe. Tre is so mad at Joe for making her miss time with her mom, she may walk. Whatever she decides, I support her. I love me some Teresa Giudice. Everyone is checking in with home and Delores speaks to her son’s tutor, who tells her he never got his college applications in. Um, isn’t it the tutor’s job to stay on top of that?

Everyone meets for breakfast. It is Melissa’s birthday and so Teresa orders a “Memoses”. My heart is singing. Then Danielle turns up. It is abrupt, and weird, and scripted, and stupid. Important to note I had a shot of Jose when I got home, made a margarita, have finished half of it, but am doing another shot in anticipation of what is coming up after the commercial break. I LOVE this show.

We look back to a week earlier when Danielle had a housewarming. She has so much filler that her face looks fractured. Yikes. They talk about Kim D., who’s car was torched with 2 people in it burned to death. Really? They are talking smack about Kim and Siggy is not interested because she is her friend. Siggy’s going to get eaten alive if she’s the only one talking to Kim D. Oy vey my Jewish sister.

The scene with Joe and his kids is a time filler that is cute, but not even a little it interesting. Cut to the girls on a boat, heading to dinner. Danielle wants to get to know Margaret, who apparently doesn’t drink because of migraines. She says the only drug she does is the spraying of pot on her vag. Melissa is mortified, yet just told us she sent her husband naked pics and was proud of herself.

Whatever. Teresa says she wants some, or rather needs some, and the drinking has begun. I predict things will get sloppy in three, two, one. I love drunk Melissa. Siggy says she thinks she is the most talented person on the face of the earth. That has got to be unfortunate editing because Siggy would never say that. Sidebar: Melissa does not know who invented the lightbulb. Classic.

Siggy is crying because her husband wants her to stop working. Siggy is having a little breakdown, but is saved by the arrival of a spectacular birthday cake, which Siggy is proud of. Teresa makes a toast to Melissa, Melissa makes fun of Teresa, they throw the cake on each other. The custom and special cake Siggy arranged, is now on the floor. Oh dear. Siggy is on the verge of an explosion. Hooray!

Siggy is upset about the cake, Melissa is drunk, and Margaret tells Siggy to take it down a notch. Again. Siggy tells Margaret to go fuck herself and with that, New Jersey is back! I love this show and the season looks brilliant. There will be a whole lot of dysfunction and I cannot wait. I will be here every Wednesday with my beloved Jose and a charming Grey Goose, watching, drinking, and keeping the faith.