January 16, 2019

Real Housewives of Orange County Week 1 Recap

Typos are lovingly brought to you by a lack of interest.

Dear Lord. I can’t. Don’t make me blog this show. I vowed to not blog RHOC when they brought Vicki back after she lied about cancer. The deal was sealed when they invited Shannon back after she aired her dirty laundry on television with no thought about her children. The truth is there is nothing appealing about these women. It is painful to watch. Writing is work, and I get paid to do it, but I’m not paid enough to blog this show. That said, I’ll bullet point the first episode because there are things that need to be said. If I stick with it, there will only be bullet points. Know that right now! Let’s start with the taglines.

Shannon: The truth is organic, but lies are just artificial.

STFU Shannon

Tamra: I’m pint sized, baptized, and highly prized.

STFU Tamra.

Meghan: I can handle a baby and women who act like one.

STFU Meghan

Kelly: If I want your opinion I’ll give it to you.

STFU up Kelly

Lydia: If you can’t take my sparkle, then stay off my rainbow.

STFU Lydia

Peggy: I’m living the American dream one sports car at a time.

STFU Peggy

Vicki: I go big or go home and I am not going home.

STFU Vicki

Oh. My. God. So much hostility and the show hasn’t even started. In the interest of full disclosure, I’m on day 7 of a 30-day sugar cleanse and it is not good people. I need a cosmopolitan. STAT. Important to note that Shannon is photoshopped to hell and back in the publicity photo, which is sad. She is a pretty lady fat or thin, but we see her, so the picture is stupid. I’m going in people so say a prayer and wish me luck.

  • Shannon got a dog
  • Her screeching is making my ears bleed
  • Shannon has gained a lot of weight
  • She is making her kids diet because of it
  • She still looks pretty
  • David is still dead in the eyes
  • He cannot stand the sight of her
  • Shannon is embarrassed to be heavier
  • David thinks she is fat
  • This marriage is still painful to watch
  • Shannon would be thin in she dumped her cheating husband
  • Vicki is expanding her business
  • Her filler is dissolving in her face
  • Kelly’s lips are Octomonesque
  • Vicki and Tamra don’t speak
  • Kelly is licking Vicki’s ass
  • Vicki is a child
  • Why is she not fired already?
  • Tamra is going to bible study
  • Lydia’s bible study
  • My. God.
  • Lydia is boring and invisible
  • Lots of Jesus coming up
  • Vicki spread a rumor that Eddie is gay
  • He is and we don’t care
  • Move on
  • Tamra prays for Kelly
  • Lydia is going to be the peacemaker
  • My lower back is starting to spasm
  • Meghan had her baby
  • Jim is cute with the baby
  • Didn’t see that coming
  • Meghan thinks she is the first person to have a bay
  • I cannot stand this woman
  • Sorry
  • Not really sorry
  • I need a drink so bad
  • I’d rather watch an hour of Jimmy and the baby
  • God is bored of this bible study
  • He told me
  • We’re laughing together right now
  • God is good
  • These women talk through their nasal passages
  • Tamra hasn’t seen her daughter for 3 ½ years
  • That’s horrible
  • Lydia is lovely
  • But no
  • Great hair though
  • Vicki is dating a guy names Steve
  • She still misses Brooks
  • Vicki is mentally deficient
  • I wouldn’t date her if you paid me
  • Kelly is loud and fake
  • She wants vaginal rejuvenation
  • Brandi did this a decade ago
  • Blah, blah, blah
  • Briana moved back to Orange County
  • Her kids are so grown up
  • She still complains about everything
  • Briana is a whiner
  • Her husband is still in Oklahoma
  • She left him
  • I would never do that
  • I do not like this show
  • Tamra and her life partner are at the gym
  • Eddie runs the gym
  • Does anyone work out there besides Tamra?
  • Tamra doesn’t want to meet with Vicki
  • Translation: She is dying to meet with Vicki
  • Lydia now has three sons
  • God is sleeping through this because he’s bored
  • Why is she back?
  • Tamra and Shannon are shopping
  • Tamra is talking a lot about her daughter
  • Isn’t that part of why they don’t speak?
  • Tamra is a genius
  • Shannon says he is fat because of stress
  • Or maybe it’s because her husband cheated on her
  • This show is cheap street crack
  • Vicki is having fake lunch with Lydia
  • Vicki’s filler is hilarious
  • Lydia is a lovely woman
  • She can’t fix things for this bitches
  • I like her though
  • I like women of faith
  • Real faith not Tamra fake faith
  • Vicki is so immature
  • My eye is twitching
  • Vicki wants Tamra to leave her alone
  • Translation: Let’s fake some shit for storylines
  • I’m on Team Lydia
  • I’ll be back next week
  • Damn it
  • The things I’ll do to keep it real