November 19, 2018

Real Housewives of Atlanta Week 15 Recap

Typos are generously provided by Grey Goose.

These ladies are messy, and we all know messy is good TV.  I’m watching from London, have vodka on hand, and am ready for the madness. Important to note that this show is good, but would be great if Nene were on it. I miss her. My liver also misses her because I drink more now that she is gone. Grab a drink and enjoy!

We begin with a classic and annoying double scene, double conversation. On one side is Kandi, Sheree, Cynthia, Shamea, and Kenya. The other side is Porsha and her sister. Sidebar: Porsha walking around with her cleanse in a cooler is stupid, much like Porsha. Kandi tells the girls about her meeting with Porsha and the talk of Kandi being a lesbian. Dear Lord. Who cares who these women bang?

Kandi is certainly spending a lot of time telling everyone she is not a lesbian. Thou doth protest too much sister. For real. Everyone is very excited about Kandi’s sex dungeon, which she says does not exist. I’m guessing if the sex toy queen had a sex dungeon she’d not only talk about it, but show us around. She may in fact be a lesbian, but I’m guessing the dungeon is actually just a bedroom.

Kandi is telling the girls Porsha said she tried to drug her and have sex with her. Oy vey. Porsha is so desperate for a storyline she has crossed over to the dark side. The girl needs to be evaluated. Kandi is not having any of it and Porsha is hanging onto her story for dear life. No good can come of this, except maybe Porsha will finally get canned, which would in fact be a great thing. It is long overdue.

Time for Phaedra to talk about her divorce again. I really need her to shut up already. Phaedra is full of shit. Know it. She has nothing going on in her life, other than keeping her lies straight, and that doesn’t translate well to television. Phaedra better find a storyline quick because at this point I am ready to skip over her. She is a liar, and a bore, and a bad friend, and involved in Apollo’s crimes.

We go from Phaedra to a commercial for Kandi’s restaurant. Whatever. Sidebar: Todd has the body of a young child. They are complaining about how busy they are, how behind the restaurant is, but they’re going to go on vacation? Scripted bullshit. Todd wants to go to Hawaii. Really? They have no time and they’re going to spend two days just traveling? This is so stupid it is painful. Time for a shot.

Kandi wants to invite the girls, and Todd won’t go unless the guys go too. Really? What guys? Peter? Bob? Ugh. If my vodka bottle wasn’t so full I’d break it and swallow glass, which would be more fun than watching this garbage. Cut to Kenya, she is having dinner with her brother and nieces. In the blink of an eye she is talking about Matt. By talking about him of course I mean humiliating him.

Has anyone seen a storyline? Anyone? This is crazy! They are all talking about the same thing they’ve been talking about for years. The only new shit is Kandi being a lesbian, and nobody cares about that. I have never missed my boyfriend more than I do right now. I love you Jose Cuervo. So very, very, very much. These women are becoming less interesting with each week that passes.

Cut to Kandi telling Phaedra and Cynthia about the trip to Hawaii. Cynthia says it is cool to invite Peter as long as they have separate rooms so it does not mess up their moving forward with the divorce. I thought their divorce was done? Either the editing in Atlanta sucks ass or I’m drunk. Probably both. Phaedra is jealous Peter gets to go and she can’t invite Chocolate. Bless her lying heart.

We jump to Sheree and Bob. I can’t. The only thing creepier than Bob, is Sheree taking Bob back. Back to Kandi, Phaedra is not interested in going alone, so she wants to invite Porsha. I call bullshit. This show is thirsty, and not in a pass the vodka kind of way. I am halfway through the episode and I’m about done. I’ll keep watching so you don’t have to. I’m a giver like that, but this week sucks.

Phaedra and Porsha are out and I am fascinated by their bodies.  Truly. Porsha thinks going to Hawaii is leaving the country and I want to smack her. Ugh. Off to Hawaii. Cynthia and Peter are flying together. I can’t. In what world does 12 hours of travel time go along with a quick trip? Whatever. Everyone is so full of shit it is almost funny. Porsha was Phaedra’s plus one, but brought her own plus one?

Porsha gets to dinner and says hello, but nobody responds. Hilarious. Kandi can’t stand to even look at Porsha and things are about to blow. Dinner is served with a side of awkward silences. Sheree points out the vibe is weird and everyone needs to clear the air so the trip can be fun. Sheree starts with Porsha talking shit. Dear Lord. I love me some Sheree. She is fearless and it is totally awesome.

Porsha sticks by her lies. She will not bend and Kandi cannot believe she is hanging onto her stories. Kandi says Porsha is a liar and brings up the sex dungeon lesbian. Porsha says she may have said she wanted to go down on Kandi, and so the unravelling begins. Porsha is pathological and it will all come out right about now. Kandi hands out copies of a screen shot of a text Porsha sent her.

Porsha texted Kandi letting her know if what she said was told on camera, she would lie about it. Kandi says that Porsha is the B in LGBT, which is a great line. Kandi is now standing up and calling out Porsha and warning her fake and unemployed boyfriend. Kandi is getting really angry, Phaedra is defending Porsha, but Sheree is not having it. Porsha says Kandi has the right to deny the accusations.

Kandi is now screaming and crying and I believe every word Kandi is saying. Kandi wants to kill Porsha and I don’t blame her. Rather than kill her however, she should sue her. Next week looks dark and that is a drag because we don’t want dark. Sheree and Bob blow up, Phaedra tries to do the Lord’s work, and Kandi may be a murderer in addition to a lesbian sex dungeon owner. I’m going to need to get some tequila if I want to be back here next week< Jose is great at keeping it real.