Which is better, free money or an unexpected refund? It’s a combination of the two, all wrapped up in the American dream: a settlement from a class-action lawsuit. I hadn’t heard of these beautiful legal devices until I first landed in America and stepped off the boat with a suitcase full of hopes and dreams. It turns out that a U.S. national sport — alongside baseball, football and canceling people — is to sue companies for doing exactly what they promised to do in their mission statement.
Last week I received an email saying that “Inc Settlement Mansour V Bumble Trading sent you $71.68.” I called Bank of America to ask whether it was an accidental payment that should be returned. They confirmed it was a deliberate payment, and when I checked online, discovered that I had received my share of a three-million-dollar class action lawsuit payout that had been sent to male users of the Bumble dating app.
Dating apps aren’t fun at the best of times, going through the cycle of approving and being approved of, and of rejecting and being rejected. Bumble invented a unique twist where women get full agency and men cannot contact them unless the women choose to get in touch first.
In their words, “Bumble is committed to changing the rules of the game. At Bumble, women make the first move. In heterosexual matches, the woman has 24 hours to make the first move and the man has 24 hours to respond. In same-sex matches, either person has 24 hours to make the first move.” Everyone was fine with this, until a man called Kirilose Mansour decided to sue Bumble for discriminating against straight men because men didn’t get to make the first move, even though that is the entire point of the app.
The majority of my oldest friends never used dating apps on their smartphones, because most of them got married in the mid-2000s, P.S.E. (Pre-Smartphone Era). They used some kind of archaic non-digital technique to connect with potential dates. Forensic historians might be able to confirm the details, but it apparently involved making first contact IRL (in real life) and actually speaking with people. Weird.
I feel guilty that only men benefit from the Bumble suit, so in the interests of karmic best practice I will offer travel and drinks reimbursements for women who haven’t enjoyed dates with me from the date of Margaret Thatcher’s resignation as Prime Minister in 1990 through to last Tuesday. If this applies to you, then please submit your travel receipts from the date, along with the time, date and venue where we met, what was discussed, and the nature of how it didn’t meet expectations. Please submit the information to my 1995 hotmail account matisyahoo@hotmail.com. If you have my account password then please include it in the body of the email since I lost it 12 years ago. Unfortunately refunds cannot be inflation-adjusted.
If Bumble can be sued for discrimination, then what are the limits? Spark Networks is the parent company of Jdate, JSwipe, Christian Mingle, Silver Singles, Adventist Singles, LDS Singles and more. They now sound like discrimination lawsuits waiting to happen. Perhaps the worst is Attractive World, a “high-end online dating site for demanding singles; those who refuse to settle for less than great!” Why settle for outdated ideals like inner beauty and personal values?
If Bumble can be sued for discrimination, then what are the limits?
Kirilose Mansour knew when to settle, and it was worth three million dollars. I wonder whether he is a pure soul fighting for justice in a world of discrimination, an opportunist who spotted a potential lawsuit, or some guy who couldn’t get any dates.
He has created a big problem for me, because I now have to decide how to spend my $71.68 windfall. There are so many options. It could spend it all and purchase enough gas to drive at least 10 miles, or blow it all on a small bag of apples at Whole Foods. Alternatively I could save it for a rainy day when I’m bored and want to sue someone.■
Marcus J Freed is an actor, author, filmmaker and Jewish educator. www.marcusjfreed and on social @marcusjfreed
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