The Real Housewives of New Jersey Meet Deliverance

I have not written about the ladies of New Jersey for a couple of weeks because frankly, they are boring and predictable.  It was filmed so long ago we already know the outcome of all the fights so who cares?  These chicks are not that entertaining, which makes me wonder why the hell I’m watching.

The show starts with Teresa and Melissa hashing out all their crap.  I like Melissa and think she is the one telling more truths in general, but I feel for Teresa because she is trying.  It is clearly fake, but she is trying so bless her.  Her life is falling apart and she wants a relationship with her brother.

It may just be to ask for money, but whatever, family is family.  Teresa is playing to the camera on some level, but she is sad in general so perhaps it’s just desperation we are seeing.  At the end of the day I think the love fest is going to be short lived, which is harder than never having it.

Sidebar:  Who wears this much make up in real life? It’s fascinating that even in the middle of the day, they have on the makeup of whores. Important to note, it’s not classy whores, but rather cheap whores who will go behind a dumpster for a quarter.  Take it down a notch girls.

For the record, the only reason I know of these whores is from Cops reruns in the middle of the night.  I also feel the need to say that Jacqueline is a hot mess.  She always has a chunk of hair out of place, her eye makeup is never even, and her lipstick is always the wrong shade.  Sad.

Melissa is getting ready to go to her daughter’s dance recital, while Teresa, Jacqueline and Caroline are headed to the Catskills for a weekend of “fun”, and Kathy is thinking about opening a restaurant for her deserts.  Kathy’s husband Rich is incredibly sweet, but oddly creepy.

The house upstate is, for this vegetarian, disgusting.  Dead animals hanging everywhere, guns to kill more animals, and I’m feeling sick.  There appears to be 100 people in the house and they are all getting wasted, playing with guns, and talking about blow jobs.  This is a classy, classy bunch.

Kathy and Rich are looking at restaurant spaces and I’m bored. Back in the Catskills, Teresa and Joe are dry humping and for some reason Bravo thinks we want to see it.  When they show us a dead pig getting ready to be cooked, I’m wishing they would go back to the dry humping.

Caroline arrives and she is a stick in the mud.  I normally love her, but in this episode she is a drag.  She tells her kids they cannot ride the quads because they are dangerous.  Her twenty something boys have to listen to mommy.  Their wives are going to need to wipes their asses.

The men are shooting and rising quads, while the women go into town.  This may in fact be the most boring episode in a series of boring episodes. Teresa looks ridiculous in her Eskimo outfit and it is mind boggling that both Teresa and Joe have no budget for Christmas shopping.  Morons.

Melissa and Joe and getting ready to leave, Joe is hitting on his wife, and she appears to be repulsed.  I don’t get it.  She talks a lot about how much she loves him, yet whenever he tries to touch her, she looks like she might hurl.  The mixed messages are exhausting.

They are eating roasted pig and lamb and I am grossed out and skipping it.  I don’t know what they are saying over dinner for real, so I will just guess: Blah, blah, we are boring, blah, blah, my make-up looks like a whore, blah, blah, I need to drink so I won’t kill myself.

It’s time for the dance recital and Melissa invited Joe’s mom, which is nice.  Antonia the grandmother comes and it’s sad.  Joe is so sweet with her, dancing, and hugging her, and loving her.  I feel bad for him and as a mother it hurts me to see his pain.

The recital is the most entertaining part of the entire super-sized episode and I am not ashamed to tell you I rewinded it and watched it twice.  Loved it.  Little Antonia is adorable and when her Grandma hugs her, and they show Joe’s face, it made me sad.  By sad of course I mean I cried.

The Italians from Jersey are headed into a Deliverance bar and Teresa lets us know 5th Avenue has “inraided” the Catskills.  The new chick Delores is there, and she looks like a monkey.  Caroline is sipping a shot.  She is an old lady.  Teresa is drunk and acting a little skanky.

This hour and fifteen minutes of wasted time ends with a visit to the chapel that is built on the property.  Lovely but weird, Jacqueline is disrespectful, and Caroline appears to never brush her hair.  They all pray to Saint Michael.  If he can get this show cancelled, I will keep the faith!