Ashley the Bachelorette Makes Me Want to Jab My Eyes Out With a Fork

It’s Monday night, which means I am home with a bottle of wine, questioning my sanity as I watch the dumbest show on television.  I seriously need help because I cannot stop watching this crap fest and find myself increasingly obsessed with how bowlegged Ashley is.  I’m also curious about what the hell Chris Harrison is doing on this show.  He is a serious waste of money.

Ashley and her fame whores are in Thailand.  We start the show with her walking in ridiculous shoes and a dress so short we are able to see her leg deformity.  She is talking about Bentley.  Dear Lord it’s pathetic that she keeps talking about him, but we know he is back this week and I am excited. Bentley makes good television and he should get his own show.

Thailand is spectacular and she is on a one-on-one date with Ben F.  She is annoying and her spray tan is orange.  Her legs are neon against her while skirt, and her talking is like nails on a chalkboard.  She may be the most annoying person on television.  By maybe of course I mean I hope she gets hit by a runaway elephant.  Too harsh?  Not a chance. 

Ben F. and Ashley are having dinner and hearing Ashley talk like she planned it makes me want to impale myself.  Shut up Ashley.  Dinner is gorgeous and Ben F. is adorable, but Ashley is picking her teeth with her tongue again and I want to slap her.  Just when I think I will scream she starts scratching her head again.  They need to get her a toothpick and some shampoo.

It’s group date time and they are going to do Thai boxing of some kind.  The men are working out, sweating, flexing and if you mute the sound, you don’t have to listen to Ashley’s fake laugh which is awesome.  They go to a ring where they are now going to actually fight.  It’s lame but I must say the guys being a little scared was kind of entertaining.  It could just be my wine.

The guys are paired off to spar and are really hitting each other.  Blake beats Lucas.  JP clobbers Mickey.  Sidebar:  JP is a Jew from Long Island? (He just got cuter.)  Ryan pulverizes Ames.  Constantine beat Nick but we miss it because Ames has been taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Ames is a lovely man and I now want him to be the next Bachelor.

It’s cocktail time and it appears that Ashley has no eyebrows and they are painted on.  Plus her dress is too short.  Ames joins in and he may be the sweetest man on the planet.  He is seriously hurt with a concussion, he is confused, a little off and I love him.  He deserves better than Ashley. Most of these men, even the losers, deserve better than Ashley.

Ashley gives the group date rose to Blake the dentist which is ridiculous.  It totally should have gone to Ames who was a gentleman and got a concussion over hitting someone.  Ashley is a stupid bitch.  Oh. My. God.  Did I just write that?  My delete button is stuck and I can’t delete it.  I’m trying. Oh well, it will just need to stay as a part of the blog I guess.

William and Ben C. are on a two-on-one date and one of them will end up going home.  I want to go to Thailand.  William the cell phone guy who trashed her at the roast tells Ashley that Ben C. is not into her and hoping to bang lots of chicks when he gets home.  William is a weasel and without even asking him about what William says, she sends Ben C. home.

Ashley dumps him and goes on and on about her insecurities and it’s lame.  No hug, no thanks, just a get lost.  Then she goes on an elephant ride with William and sadly neither of them is trampled.  William is at dinner with Ashley and the beauty of Thailand is wasted on these losers.  By losers of course I mean total and complete freaking losers.

Ashley then sends William home, which is good because he’s a child and the play date is over.  He calls himself a loser, which is awesome.  He whines about what a jackass he is and that he is going home to nothing.  He says he wants to crawl into bed and not ever wake up.  Really?  He’s pulling the “I can’t go on card” over Ashley?  Dear Lord.  This show sucks ass.

Ashley announces that she needs closure with Bentley before she can move forward.  There is a thunder storm which adds to the drama and causes her legs to become even more warped from the damp air, and I have now finished the bottle of wine and am not sure how to get through the final few minutes. If it were not for Bentley coming back I think I would puke.

Ashley is having a conversation with Chris Harrison about Bentley and all I want to do is pull her hair.  Chris Harrison is useless and tells her he will work on getting Bentley there so she can get closure, and the blatant scripting of this show is painful to watch.  Ashley is a moron, Chris Harrison is a putz, and I feel bad for the schmucks who are still there.

We are now at the rose ceremony and no Bentley.  Are they f’ing kidding me? We watched this crap for two hours and we don’t get Bentley until next week?  I might have to boycott ABC over this &%$!  Nick goes home but who cares?  Where the hell is Bentley?  I hate this show.  I will be back next week but let’s be clear, I hate it, and THAT is keeping it real.