Real Housewives of NYC: From Porn to Bankruptcy, My Eyes are Bleeding

The ladies are back from Morocco and I’m glad because it’s when they are home that they are their most entertaining.  Every week I say this show should be cancelled, and every week I watch it, love it, blog it, and wait for the next one.  I’d be better off shooting heroin than watching this crap.

We start off with Ramona planning a sexy night at home for Mario.  She is sprinkling rose petals and wearing lingerie with chocolate covered strawberries and champagne waiting for him.  She is ready and waiting.  And waiting.  And Waiting.  Then Sir. Douchebag Mario finally gets home.

While we were waiting for him, Bravo decides we will pop over to see Alex and Simon.  We are at minute two and my eyes are bleeding.  Watching this couple makes me physically ill.  I cannot stand her laughing and his flirting is making my eye twitch.  Alex and her gay husband are too much.

Just as I begin to vomit, we are back with Mario and Ramona.  Sidebar: Why are there fire drill instructions on their bedroom door?  Important to note that between Morocco and this taping, Ramona has had her lips done and looks like a duck and it’s rather unfortunate looking.

Ramona tells Mario about the fortuneteller and he lets her know the only other woman in his life is their daughter Avery.  It is quite possibly the most unconvincing declaration I have ever seen.  I’m not saying he’s a liar, just that I’m not buying it.  Maybe it’s not a woman he is cheating with?

Back with Simon and Alex, he gives per panties and lingerie as a gift and sadly we are forced to watch the fashion show.  Alex leads her gay husband off for what I imagine is unsatisfying sex. I am left on the couch vomiting with my eyes bleeding.  This is not good porn.  Why Bravo?

Ramona is massaging Mario and puts oil on as he sits in an uncomfortable chair, in an odd position.  I am watching and seriously considering taking my own life.  By taking my own life of course I mean do heroin. Bravo knows I won’t turn it off which is disrespectful to my addiction.

We finally leave the gay porn convention and meet up with Cindy.  Sidebar:  Her brother Howard is yummy.  Cindy is showing Howard and her assistant pictures from Morocco, only to discover Sonja has not taken any of her. Mrs. Morgan has purposely not taken any pics of Cindy.

I get that Sonja was upset in Morocco, and wanted to hurt Cindy, but this is just selfish, stupid and mean.  If I were Cindy I would want revenge.  Cindy is the gown up of the group and it’s a drag because a mean girl response would be perfect but Cindy is too classy to give us one.  Damn it.

Sonja is at the dermatologist with her niece and her flirting with him is painful to watch.  We learn that Sonja has filed for bankruptcy and that she does not cut the tags off of her clothes so she can remember the sale price she got. Sonja is kooky, and full of a little crap, but I feel bad for her.

Of course Jill judges her, which is too bad.  I love Jill but I wish she could control herself more.  She is with Bobby to pick out suits and it’s cute.  I think Bobby Zarin is lovely and I like his wife.  It’s a shame she keeps getting in her own way.  People need to give her a shot.  She’s fabulous.

LuAnn is with Jacques for dinner and they are cute. LuAnn is more of a Countess now that she has dumped the Count.  She is gorgeous and strong and I like her.  She is classy and watching her in love is quite sweet.  I like her much more being Countless and with Frenchy.

Jill is having the ladies over to see her new shape wear line and has decided to not include Ramona because she is bad for business.  Agreed.  Sonja comes in and she looks so fragile that I just want to hug her. Alex brings up the bankruptcy and looks constipated as she talks to Sonja.

Jill is judging once again and Sonja cannot answer the questions Jill is throwing at her.  Sonja is naïve, and uneducated.  She married well, lost her marriage, and in an attempt to make a living for herself and her child, she made mistakes.  We’ve all done it, just at different levels.

Jill does her focus group, without Ramona, which I get, but blaming Ramona for losing the Kodak deal is harsh.  By harsh of course I mean not buying it. Her product is pretty and I’ll buy it and actually use it, unlike Skinny Girl Margaritas, which sucks, and I use to clean my toilet.

Alex meets Ramona and tells her all about Jill’s thing and how she did not invite her.  Alex is annoying.  I never understood why she was on the show to begin with and that she is still here is nauseating. Literally.  I keep flashing back to her sex scene and I’m going to hurl.

We only see Kelly for a minute this week, but she is fabulous.  She is taking her Christmas card picture with the girls. Who knew I would like her so much? She is cute with her kids.  Sidebar:  Can someone tell me if the photographer was a man or a woman? 

Sonja is at Ramona’s and has never looked prettier.  She appears soft and broken, which has made her look young and vulnerable.  Ramona is trying to be sweet but it comes across as annoying but sincere.  I wish Sonja well and hope she can keep her home.

LuAnn has met Alex for coffee to discuss Morocco. Was it just me or did anyone else watch this scene and start fantasizing about throwing things at Alex?  I seriously had an out of body experience where Alex was talking to LuAnn and I am pummeling her with tomatoes.

LuAnn is a lady and Alex is not.  Please get her off this show.  Alex is unfortunate looking and has no business being on television.  That she is getting paid to be on this show is sad.  She is going on and on, being a crazy bitch and I’m getting tomatoes from the kitchen.

LuAnn tells her she thought it was going to be a meeting to apologize for Morocco and Alex says that impression shows LuAnn is delusional.  This coming from the woman who is married to a gay man.  Andy Cohen needs to dump her bony ass.  We are over her.

This show keeps getting worse which sadly makes it better.  Next week looks fabulous.  I think LuAnn came out the winner and Alex came out the loser. If Simon comes out they will get their own show for sure.  The best thing for Alex would be for her husband to keep it real.