The Real Housewives of New Jersey are Thankful we are Tuning into their Crapfest

It’s Thanksgiving in New Jersey and the show takes us through the holiday by switching back and forth between Teresa’s Thanksgiving and Melissa’s.  It’s quite interesting, and a look into what they want us to think an Italian life is, but since I’m not Italian I don’t know if it’s accurate or embarrassing. I think I can guess.

Teresa and Joe are going to buy their turkey.  Teresa is driving because Joe is a drunk driver, and he is rude to her the entire ride.  Joe is a bit of a pig and by pig of course I mean caveman, and by a bit, I mean totally.  Melissa’s Joe is shopping with her at the market.  He’s useless certainly, but not a rude pig.

Kathy is making all of the deserts and it’s insane.  I could almost smell her cakes through the television they looked so good.  Her kitchen looks like a professional bakery, only better.  It’s sad because Teresa is not with her family but with her friends, which is weird because they are family, and not with their own family.

Bravo’s lame script means it’s probably not even Thanksgiving.  I don’t believe Caroline would not be with her siblings, and at the very least with Dina, for the holiday.  Theresa was going to be by herself, in the house she cannot afford and ordering pizza if they did not fake the dinner for her.

Teresa and Joe are buying a live turkey that will be killed at the farm.  As a vegetarian I was repulsed.  The loser farmer is saying the turkey has no idea he is being killed and does not know what’s happening.  He knows, and to be clear, the farmer is dumber than the turkey.

Albert and Caroline go with Lauren to Vito’s family store.  They are a sweet family and I liked them very much. Caroline is a snob and if she says she could care less about something one more time, I will need to smack her.  Albert is sweet and Caroline speaks in clichés.

Ashley goes to visit Christopher and Albie in their apartment.  She is not very bright and they explain to her she needs to stay at home until she can afford to live in the city.  She is pissed because she wanted to live in Manhattan and be Carrie Bradshaw.  Right.  Going to happen.

Ashley listens to the boys and helps at home.  Jacqueline is horrible.  Her chin is out of control and she is mean to Ashley.  Clearly she is closer to her young boys than her daughter.  Jacqueline seems more bothered by Ashley than having any real emotions about her.

Teresa is cooking and Juicy is sleeping.  Her kids are fighting and she is trying to not be embarrassed on camera.  Over at Melissa’s, she is dressed like a hooker as she prepares her dinner.  Her mother is a dyed blonde who looks out of place with all her dark haired daughters.

Melissa’s Joe gives her a surprise for Thanksgiving and it’s a mechanical bull. In front of all their family and friends, they mount the bronco and make out. It’s mortifying and at the same time sort of cute.  They are inappropriate, and as the Countless would say, money can’t buy you class.

Teresa’s Thanksgiving outfit makes it look like we are in the 1980’s.  Kim D arrives and I want to know why is she invited to stuff.  Teresa is babbling about how Caroline and Jacqueline are her family and it’s sad.  Her life has crumbled and it’s upsetting to watch.  I almost feel bad for her.

Melissa’s group is sitting down to dinner and she takes a moment to thank sweet Jesus.  I like her.  No clue why, but I like her.  Her Joe is a pig, but he clearly loves her and she loves him.  I think he is handsome in a “just sit and don’t speak” kind of way.  I feel bad Teresa is not there.

Teresa’s kids are melting down and her outfit is truly hideous.  Joe is talking with his mouth full and once again we are bored with a conversation about Lauren getting married.  I like her, and it will be great when Vito proposes, but seriously how many times can we talk about it?

Teresa’s brother Joe is telling his guests he loves and misses her.  It’s sad because you can see it.  Bravo flashes back and forth between Teresa and Melissa’s house for a dramatic effect but it’s not working.  It’s annoying and stupid and makes me want to break my TV.

Melissa is telling Joe he needs to make up with his sister, and Teresa is telling everyone Melissa cannot be trusted.  Teresa looks like a vindictive and bitter hag, and Melissa looks like a sweet girl who is trying to ease her husband’s pain.  Teresa is a bitch. No hiding from that.

Jacqueline and Caroline are telling Teresa she needs to take the high road and reach out to Joe.  The entire time they are talking to her, her head looks like it will explode and she will start bleeding marinara sauce out of her nose.  Teresa is bitter and angry and unable to to fix things.

It will be interesting to see how it plays out.  By interesting, of course I mean I could care less, but this show is my heroin and even if I did not want to watch it, I would have to.  I’m hooked on New Jersey, losing patience with Caroline, loving Melissa, digging Kathy, and keeping it real.