October 17, 2018

The Bachelorette is Back – More Addictive & Ridiculous Than Ever

The sappy music, the scripted speeches, the drunks, the unrealistic vacations, the fantasy life, the gorgeous men, and the lame bachelorette.  It’s all back and so are we.  We are watching because we are addicted, knowing we will get sucked in and then screwed over by Mike Fleiss and ABC.

I go into this show every year with a romantic heart, and hope that it can work like it did back in season one when Trista and Ryan found love.  That was then and this is now.  I am watching it with a cynical eye and a sense of humor, knowing my blog will be more bashing than swooning.

I will falter along the way and have moments when I lose my grasp on reality and think love is going to be found, but I will quickly snap out of it because this show is a crock.  It’s a bunch of fame whores looking for anything but love.  Five minutes in and Chris Harrison is giving me a headache.

Ashley is back as the Bachelorette.  She is a tiny little thing and seems like a teenager not a woman.  She’s a good talker but is more scripted than natural.  She says she was not planning to be the bachelorette but come on.  Everyone who goes on this show hopes to be the next chosen one.

Chris is talking to Ashley and he is annoying.  I used to think he was charming but now he is lame. He offers nothing to this show, which makes sense since this show offers us nothing.  I’m not bitter, or jealous, pissed off that this once great show has been turned into a fame whore fest.

Ashley tells us she was given the heads up that one of the guys, Bentley, was there to promote his business, not find love.  We’ve met him already and he is clearly there because he was hoping Emily would be the bachelorette.  I was hoping the same thing but we’re stuck with Ashley.

The men are getting out of the car and Ashley’s laugh is childish and painful.  I want to hit her.  It’s forced and fake just like Jennifer Lopez.  She is giving me an eye twitch.  She is animated and fake and damn it, I find myself liking her.  I am very disappointed in myself.  I like her.  Crap.

One of the guys calls his mom so she can say hi and the first thing the mom says is “Hi Ashley”.  Really?  How did she know the bachelorette was Ashley when none of the guys knew it would be her? Because we are watching fake and scripted television and the people who make this show think we’re dumb.

Poor yourselves a glass of wine and make sure you’ve got a bottle ready every Monday night.  I have a feeling we will need to be a little sloshed to get through the season. This show has run its course and should be retired.  The innocence of the idea is gone and it’s now just stupid.

It had a good run, we were entertained, but it’s now a VH1 skank show, not something worthy of an ABC timeslot.  We have 25 men tonight and some will be sent home with no rose, and no shot at fake love with a reality television whore.  Poor babies.  Poor a glass people, here we go:

RYAN P:  Gets the first impression rose, looking for love, very cheesy but cute – HE’S IN

JON: Lifts her and carries her away, starts crying, he loved her man – HE’S OUT

LUCAS:  Ahugger from Texas, that’s all I remember about him – HE’S IN

WILLIAM: Phone Sales, dad died an alcoholic, he’s immature and totally fun and cute – HE’S IN

MICKEY: Chef, goes in for a kiss and gets rejected but tells everyone he kissed her – HE’S IN

TIM: liquor distributor, he gets wasted, sent home before the rose ceremony – HE’S OUT

BEN C.: Lawyer from New Orleans, very passionate, he might be a woman – HE’S IN

STEPHEN: hairdresser, invisible in the first episode – HE’S IN

CHRIS D: does a rap as an introduction, lame – HE’S IN

WEST: Lawyer, gives her a compass stuck on “west”, his wife died – HE’S IN

ANTHONY: gold chains, fun to watch, should be on Jersey Shore – HE’S OUT

ROB:  Watched her season, crushed to be cut, feels lost – HE’S OUT

AMES: Yale/Columbia/Harvard overachieving genius, Harry Connick Jr. vibe – HE’S IN

MATT:  teaches her a handshake that tanks, calls his mom so she can say hi – HE’S IN

JEFF:  Wears a mask so his looks are not in the equation.  Creepy loser – HE’S IN

BEN F: Winemaker, he looks like Zach Braff, been broken since his dad died – HE’S IN

FRANK: I remember nothing about this guy – HE’S OUT

MICHAEL:  Says he’s excited to see a dentist, cute opening – HE’S OUT

CHRIS M.: Canadian. Embarrassing to my country.  HE’S OUT

RYAN M.: Brings a camera to takes pics, cute idea but tries to be funny and he’s not – HE’S IN

JP: Construction and Real Estate guy from NYC, has a gay vibe – HE’S IN

NICK: trainer, recites a poem, thinks he’s Matthew McConaughey – HE’S IN

BLAKE: Dentist, nothing memorable about him but his teeth – HE’S IN

BENTLEY: Divorced Dad, Super Cocky, Full of crap, the Wes of this season – HE’S IN

CONSTANTINE: ties dental floss on her finger, looks like Josh Groben – HE’S IN

And so the latest addition of The Bachelorette begins.  When this show started I was newly single and clung onto the hope that love could be found.  Ten years later I watch with a sense of humor, knowing that I only watch because I get paid to.  I’m older and wiser and not buying it.

The only thing lamer than this show is the people who make it.  They take it so seriously and think we do, but we don’t.  It’s a scripted reality show, not real life.  We watch with hope and no expectations, just as we lead our lives,  the difference is we are decent and they are not.

They are getting rich by selling us their drug, and since we are hopeful romantics, we buy their crack.  I will believe love will be found by the end, only to have it crushed. Can I watch every week without gauging my eye outs?  Not sure, but I wish Ashley well and hope she keeps it real.