The Real Housewives of New York City are Back – Let the Train Wreck Begin

Those of us who watch Real Housewives programs have been waiting for the return of NYC. With the cancellation of DC, thank God, the complete bore that was Miami, and the brilliant ladies of Atlanta on hiatus, this has been a long time coming.  Turns out, we could have waited.

These women are so aware of their celebrity, and the cameras in their face, that is now feels like badly scripted television.  It has lost its authenticity and become a joke.  We’ll keep watching, but it’s different now.  We don’t watch because it’s good, we watch because it’s so bad.

The train wreck began last week and I did not write about it as my son blogged for my birthday.  Rather than pick up at episode two, I’m going to go back to last week and talk about it a little because there is just too much and I can’t skip over it.  Alex the model?  Come on, let’s go.

The show started with Ramona showing us her new pinot gregio, Alex is being crazy, and Jill is professing that she is a changed woman.  Let’s be clear from the get go, Alex is insane and Jill has changed nothing.  I wanted so much for Jill to come back as the nice Jewish girl, but alas, no.

Jill is telling us she is a “real” friend and she sticks by people.  It’s a slam at Bethenny but we don’t care because we don’t believe anything that Jill says anymore.  She’s a bit of a liar and by liar of course I mean two-faced fame whore who has lost site of how great she used to be.

Kelly is saying she does not care about anyone but will try her best to navigate through all the drama.  How interesting that we ended last year with Kelly on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but she has started this season as the calm and collected one.  It’s weird, and I’m not buying it.

Kelly is going to crack at some point because she was already broken, so we’ll just wait. Jill has informed us her fight with Bethenny took years off her life.  Really?  It was not the fight sweetie, it was the lying, bitterness, meanness, anger and fame whoring that took the years off.

Jill is explaining why she fought with Bethenny and Kelly cuts her off and says, “you got dumped”.  Brilliant.  Jill is crying about how sad it is but the crying is about her ego not her heart.  Meanwhile in Brooklyn, Alex and Simon are both working at home since Simon “left” his job.

Alex is now a model.  Really?  Alex explains she is from a good gene pool, while her gay husband tells us he feels vindicated because now it proves she is beautiful because she is a model.  Being a model does not mean you beautiful, just that you are a model.  Gay husbands are fun.

We meet the new housewife Cindy and I like her.  We see Sonja for the first time and she has done so much lip plumping that she looks like a duck.  It’s a shame because she was so pretty last year and now she is plastic looking.  Shame none of her friends told her to stop.

Sidebar:  Cindy’s trainer is gorgeous and I want someone to explain why the women of NYC kiss on both cheeks.  It’s pretentious and looks ridiculous.  No other ladies in any other cities do it, not even Beverly Hills and LA is totally pretentious.  News flash, you live in NYC not Paris.

Cindy is holding an art event and the ladies are invited, Jill is there for two seconds and is gossiping about how old Cindy is to have two babies.  Yup, you’ve changed Jill.  Right.  Pictures are being taken and the photographer does not want Alex in the shot.  Hilarious.

Simon looks quite puffy and while Alex would like us to think he gained weight when he quit smoking, I think he gained weight because he is living a lie.  He may love Alex more than life, and I think that’s awesome, but to be clear, Simon is gay.  Gay is cool.  Lying about it is lame.

Jill is being a total bitch about Cindy and her babies.  Alex and Simon are disappointed to not be in more pictures, Sonja’s new “artist friend” arrives and he is delicious, the Countless Countess arrives and she looks fabulous.  Having a nice Jewish boyfriend clearly agrees with her.

Ramona is interviewing new assistants and the entire scene makes me cringe.  She should be offering a glass of her wine to these women because unless you are tanked, working for Ramona would be as much fun as colonoscopy and she is breaking all kinds of employment laws.

Ramona is crazy and has no manners.  I wonder if the interviewing process is reflective of how she is with her daughter.  Meanwhile LuAnn and Jacques are out for dinner with Sonja and artist Brian. LuAnn looks amazing and her boyfriend is lovely.  I totally dig him and think they are cute.

Sonja is being obnoxious at dinner and you have to wonder, why are you watching this crap fest? It’s really bad.  Like most things that are bad for you, it’s addictive and I cannot turn it off.  Their dinner date is gross but also entertaining that LuAnn and Jacques have the same haircut.

Sonja looks like Glenn Close and is talking about how her divorce is fresh and she needs to take care of her daughter.  Not buying it.  Over in the Hamptons, Ramona is at home with Mario, and Alex and Simon are staying with them.  Ramona does not know how to cut a bagel.

Alex is annoying, Ramona is an instigator, Mario is invisible, and Simon is icky.  They are all in the Hamptons for a wedding and Jill and Bobby are there.  Jill starts trashing Ramona and Alex before they even get out of the car. Ramona basks in the tension, and Alex is passive aggressive.

Ramona is gossiping about someone who is standing behind her, Alec is bitching about Jill and making fun of Kelly, Ramona is spewing crap about being gay, and Jill is talking to anyone who will listen about how she has changed and Alex is a bitch.  I wish my power would go out.

The Real Housewives are like heroin.  Once you try it, you can’t stop.  I’ve never had heroin but I watch a lot of Intervention on A&E and I think I can make the comparison that yes, watching Bravo is like being a dope fiend and I seriously need to get into rehab.  Quickly.

Alex is badgering Jill again and it’s stupid because she has “found her voice” but she makes no sense.  They are now showing us what is coming this season and I want to kill myself.  I wish I could not watch but heroin cannot be stopped cold turkey so let’s just jump into this week’s show.

There is a marriage equality march and the ladies are walking across the Brooklyn Bridge to support gay marriage.  This is a screwed up group of chicks.  Sonja thinks the day is all about her, Alex is convinced it’s about her, LuAnn could care less and Kelly appears to be the sane one.

Sonja appears to be high and all hell breaks loose when they get to the march and Simon and Alex are informed that only Sonja will speak.  Simon is livid, and Sonja is excited because she is a gay icon.  Alex looks like she is going to faint and Sonja is oblivious to why they are all there.

Kelly is embarrassed, Sonja’s speech tanks, and all I can think about is if Simon were allowed to speak, would he have used the opportunity to come out and tell everyone that as a gay man he chose to marry a woman but all gay men should be able to marry whoever they want?

Jill showed up after she said she wouldn’t.  She is screaming at Alex to not pick on her, Alex is being passive aggressive and totally confused.  They are walking, it is raining, and Alex forgot to wear a bra.  Back at Cindy’s house, her brother’s girlfriend looks just like her, which is a little odd.

Everyone goes back to Alex’s house for a drink, including Jill.  Simon gives his speech and it’s odd.  I think he said he married Alex for a green card and if gay marriage were legal, he would have married someone named Alexander.  It was strange, but at the same time, made sense.

Sonja goes to see the painting Brian is doing of her and is rude.  It’s not a completed work but she says she looks old and her boobs are bad.  Classy. Sonja is out for lunch with LuAnn, gossiping continues, and they are so aware of the camera it goes to a whole new level of fake.

Ramona bought a table at an event honoring Gucci.  Ramona looks like Kathy Lee Gifford.  She is setting place cards at her table which is tacky.  Alex arrives and the gossip continues.  Blah, blah, blah.  Kelly arrives, Ramona freaks, Kelly leaves, Ramona is pissed.  Pick a side Ramona.

LuAnn is having lunch in the park with Cindy and Kelly, who looks right into the camera. Sonja is hosting an event in her home and again is either high or drunk.  Alex walks in, Sonja goes up to her immediately and tells her she does not want Simon yapping in her ear.

Alex is mortified and loses her mind.  She goes off on Sonja and tells her she hijacked the marriage equality walk and made it about her.  Sonja is having none of it.  They get into a gross fight, in front of everyone, and Sonja kicks Alex out of her house.  It is beyond embarrassing.

Neither one of them is making sense, yet both of them have points that are right, but in front of everyone Sonja is telling her to leave but Alex keeps talking and I can barely to watch it.  Alex will simply not stop talking and Sonja keeps talking louder and I want to kill myself.

Best line of the night, LuAnn says Sonja should have kicked Alex out of the party for wearing the dress she did.  It was worth sitting through it just to get that gem at the end.  Alex calls Simon on the street, dressed like a hooker, and the last 5 minutes make it all worthwhile.

Sonja unveils the painting Brian did and Cindy says that if that was how the man she was sleeping with saw her, she would dump him.  It’s awesome.  Everyone thinks Sonja looks horrible in the painting.  They clearly don’t know the difference between a painting and a photograph.

And so it begins.  It’s going to be a long season and I don’t know if I have it in me.  I like to think I can stop watching, but heroin is hard to walk away from so it may take me a minute.  Bravo is trolling through the sewers with these shows so all I can do is try to quit, and keep the faith.