Bethenny Getting Married, Bethenny Ever After, Bethenny Getting Divorced?

Bethenny Frankel, you are in need of a friend because clearly you don’t have any.  Let’s set aside our differences and be friends okay?  My first job as your new friend is to tell you the truth, as only a friend will.  Ready?  Grow the hell up, stop whining, count your blessings, and get over yourself.

The constant complaining, ungratefulness, and disrespect of others, especially your husband and his family, is disgusting and going to cost you fans, and more importantly, your marriage.  Furthermore, now that the world has seen what you are all about, hooking another one will be much harder next time around.

You have been in therapy for a long time and these issues should have been addressed already. As your friend I must say you have been buying into your lies for so long, that you believe them and now that they are unraveling, you are panicking and it’s making you lose your mind.  It’s ok.  I get it.

If I were a compulsive liar, who made millions selling myself as something that I’m not, and someone was lurking in the dark with my lies, I would panic and be unstable too.  Who wouldn’t?  The key is to take a deep breath, have a drink and make a plan.  Important to note that anything Skinny Girl does not count.

Let’s go through tonight’s show so you can see things like I do as your friend.  You meet Shawn and the first thing you say is that you are exhausted.  The thing is Sweetie, you keep telling us that you don’t want to complain about being tired, but it’s all you do.  Complaining is not cute.

You are unable to talk to anyone without making a sexual joke and by joke of course I mean inappropriate and embarrassing spewing of unnecessary things.  You are 40 now and simply too old for the constant stream of sexual inappropriateness and gay musings.  Again, not cute.

You are now talking with Ethan about Skating With The Stars and I am not going to say a thing.  I’m your friend and I bashed you enough on this one when I blogged about the actual show so I am going to cut you some slack.  That said, I reserve the right to come back to this if needed.

Your in-laws are with Bryn and it’s wonderful.  They are special people and if you had to spend 5 minutes my ex mother-in-law you’d be licking their feet in gratitude for the exceptional human beings they are.  That you don’t appreciate how lucky you are makes me want to hit you.

Not hit you in a hurt you kind of way, but hit you in a snap out of it kind of way.  That your father-in-law went to such lengths to fix the mannequin is remarkable, especially when you think about what a complete bitch you’ve been to him and his wife.  Seriously, figure this one out already.

Let’s talk about when you’re getting your make-up done.  The baby is crying and you are in the closet with Cookie in a cocktail dress, acting crazy.  Why?  If you don’t start appreciating what you have, you are going to lose it and will have nobody to blame but yourself and that’s not good.

For someone who is haunted by her make believe childhood, certainly you can make up a new future and buy into those lies as much as you buy in the ones you’ve created about your parents right?  How hard can it be?  I want this for you Bethenny.  We all want it, at least for now.

If you push us too far it might get to the point that we simply don’t care anymore and will be pulling for Jason more than you, and by pulling for them of course I mean we will all be waiting for him to dump your skinny girl butt and find a woman who is complete and not shattered like you.

Are you with me B?  Let’s keep going.  You are starting to really melt down, send Jason off when he is trying to help, then get into a conversation with your make-up artist and she totally gets you?  Really?  Are you insane?  You should have had this conversation with Jason.

The entire fiasco of your birthday would have been averted if you had talked to him, instead of someone who works for you.  Sidebar: you need friends who do not work for you.  You are paying them to be your friend and there is no getting around that fact.

I won’t even talk about the limo ride because you were such a baby there is nothing to say and even if I had something, it would not be as great as what Jason said.  When he said to “suck it up”, I loved him a little more and prayed he would make it through the night unscathed.

Ramona arrives and you start talking, then realize if you take a step back you will get your Skinny Girl drink in the picture.  Dear Lord Bethenny.  We get it, you have a drink, which tastes like crap, and no matter how many times you show it to us, it’s not going to taste better.

Jason surprises you with your best friend Teri and you could care less.  Is it because she is one of the people lurking?  She gives you a beautiful gift and you loved it but being mean about her innocent joke tainted it.  Watch what you say because you can’t take it back. 

Jason is giving you a gift and it’s mortifying.  The entire thing is uncomfortable to watch and let’s be clear, because you must understand, you looked like a spoiled, ridiculous brat and ruined what was a lovely gesture by your husband and his parents, who were embarrassed.

You are asking your “friends” if you ruined the night and they are all assuring you that you did not.  Well, here’s the thing, you did.  You ruined the entire evening, for everyone, and your crying crap fest in the bathroom was sad until you yelled at Jason for trying to make this about him.

Honestly Bethenny, you are so incredibly out of control we are not sure you can be helped.  Editing or not, that you are hysterical one second and then fine the next lends itself to the possibility that you may be faking.  By may be of course I mean total faker.

The final scene of the night would have been great if you were not wearing a ridiculous Skinny Girl t-shirt.  Then just when I think I cannot watch another episode of the massive train wreck, you tell Jason that you want a bubble bath for your birthday and in a second, I fell in love with you again.

You sitting in the tub with Jason, Bryn and Cookie, all in your bathing suits and sun glasses, is enough to make me want to hang on in the hope that maybe you can shed the layers of crap you have created and get back to yourself.  Not likely, but still, I am keeping the faith.