Brad Womack Sucks, Emily Should Run & I’m Not Watching the Bachelorette

I waited to write about the Bachelor finale because it took this long for my eyes to stop bleeding and my anger to dissipate a little.  I invested hours and hours into this show with the hopes that they would give us a happy ending and they disappointed once again. I’m done watching.

Instead of calling it The Bachelor/Bachelorette, it should be changed to “Loser Fame Whores”.  I’m officially announcing that I will no longer watch this show and therefore not blog about it.  It’s been a fun run and by fun run of course I mean this show makes me want to cut myself.

All that said, there is no way I’m leaving this hell train without having one final word.  I’m going out with no intention of pissing anyone off, simply speaking my mind on a show that began as an entertaining experiment on love, to a laughable and pathetic look at a bunch of celebrity whores.

I want someone to explain to me why Brad’s twin brother does not have an accent or speak like he is in slow motion like Brad.  Didn’t they grow up together?  Chad is normal and Brad is ridiculous.  The sound of his voice is making me want to scratch all my skin off with a kitchen knife.  It is torture to watch and I’m only minute seven.

Chantal meets the family first and I am certain that she has her shirt on backwards.  She tells the family that “really made me knew” and at that point I stopped listening because she is not speaking in English and I don’t understand her.  Dear Lord, step away from the knives Ilana.

Chantal is talking to the mom, Brad is talking to his brothers, and I’m am fast forwarding.  Emily meets the family and she is lovely.  I really dig her.  I listen to them talking to her, but only a little because I am now making a margarita.  Back to the fast forwarding.  Knife is on the table.

Emily is talking to Brad’s mom, she is crying and I don’t care enough to listen.  Instead I am pouring an extra shot into my drink and sharpening my knife.  Brad is talking to his family and I am fearful that I will throw up what I ate for dinner, but I’m not wasting a purge on Brad Womack.

The family loves Emily and tells Brad to pick her.  He is now spewing crap about his big decision and I am skipping over all of it.  Chantal and Brad are going to swim the sharks and it’s stupid.  Who does this when it is clearly not something they want to do?  Fame whores, that’s who.

Chantal and Brad are on their last date and he tells her it feels like he’s know her for 5 years.  It’s so random that I cannot stop laughing.  I’ve been drinking, but still, this is funny.  5 years?  Really?  Is there a special way one feels when they’ve known you for 5 years?  Loser.

Chantal says she has travelled the world for him and it says a lot about how she feels for him. Really?  You did it because it was free, not because it was this big sacrifice you did for the man you love.  I want to now scratch her skin off so she can snap out of her bubble.

She has made him a gift but I’m fast-forwarding.  Brad and Emily are now going on a helicopter ride to Cape Hope.  Sidebar:  Most romantic and fabulous date ever and it is wasted on Brad.  He never should have been the Bachelor once, let alone twice. Dufus.

Why does Emily get boring sit around and drink dates and Chantal gets to swim with the sharks?  Emily wants to talk about the responsibilities of taking on a woman with a child and he can’t get out a sentence that makes any sense.  He may have the brain of a 4 year old, only not as smart.

Emily comes over and when Brad starts talking I pick up the knife and wait.  He says he wants a chance to be Ricky’s father.  He doesn’t want to be a step-dad, but a real dad.  His speech makes me want to punch him in the face and his reaction to Emily’s reaction makes me laugh.

Emily is questioning him to make sure he understands what he is getting into.  He is hyperventilating, she is beating a dead horse, he is getting mad and may pass out.  Freaking awesome.  Not enough for me to care, but still, super cringe worthy, which is fantastic.

I love Emily but Brad is painful to watch.  He needs water and probably a paramedic, and she is worried she ruined it.  It makes her endearing.  Totally annoying and a bit of a broken record, but endearing.  He is taking it all personally and says he is hurt and upset.  Maybe he’ll hit something!

Brad it spewing crap, Neil Lane comes with the rings and Brad picks a gorgeous one.  I can’t listen to him anymore.  If I smoked I’d be on my 3rd pack by now.  The girls are getting ready and could be talking but I’m skipping over it and have no idea what they are saying.

Chantal arrives first, looks beautiful, and is amazingly calm considering there is a bird laying an egg on her shoulder.  He tells her she looks amazing and she nods in agreement which is funny.  She is gazing at him with love in her eyes as he dumps her.

She is crying and he is lying.  She is classy and tells him that he is amazing and Emily is lucky. They stand around awkwardly while horrible music plays because the show is trying to fill 2 hours.  He walks her to the car and she is sobbing, unclear of what just happened.  I feel for her.

Not bad enough to listen to her farewell speech, but still bad.  Sidebar:  What did people do before TIVO and they were watching a train wreck?  We are the luckiest people in the world to have this technology. God Bless TIVO.  I love you because you are literally saving my life.  Knife is down.

Emily arrives.  Chris Harrison walks her to the garden.  Totally worth the cost of bringing him to South Africa.  Brad keeps clearing his throat and the knife is back in my hand.  He asks her to marry him.  Sadly, our beloved and divine Emily says yes.  Wrong answer bless her heart.

Cut to After the Final Rose and the rose colored glasses are off.  Chantal comes out first, looking cute, in a new relationship but still clearly in love with Brad.  Her new boyfriend must be pissed.  I can’t listen at the moment because I am making another drink and cleaning up the blood.

She is questioning when he knew it wasn’t her, and Brad goes into full-blown asshole mode.  He says he had her stick around because she was fun, (and probably because she put out), and tries to make all her feelings for him mean nothing.  Brad Woman sucks and is a schmuck.

She is crying, he is stuttering, and she should be thanking her lucky stars that he dumped her.  She deserves better.  Chantal leaves and Brad tells Chris he is in love with Emily, she is the one, and he wants to marry her.  The audience claps and he throws in an Elvis Vegas thank you.  Putz.

Emily comes out and looks gorgeous.  She has fixed her hair color and is lovely.  She says she loves Brad, but she is not ready to marry him right now. They need to learn how to fight and communicate.  She has no plans to move to Austin to be with him, but considers them engaged.

She says he is volatile and as they sit there I am reminded of the Mike Tyson, Robin Givens interview when she says he hits her and he says nothing.  She comes across as really great and he comes across as a moron.  I am on drink 3, and now have a bigger knife in hand.

Emily is talking about how Brad has a temper and it’s weird.  What does that mean? The have “knock down, beat up” fights and it’s odd that they would admit such a thing.  She is clearly well on her way to being over him and I figure they have a couple more weeks before they are over.

Trista and Ryan, Jason and Molly, Ali and Roberto are back to tell them how it all works and what they need to focus on.  I’m skipping over it all.  Who cares?  Emily is trying to be strong and Brad looks like he’s on the verge of tears.  It’s all quite sad. By sad of course I mean who cares?

Chris shows them the engagement and Emily puts her head on Brad’s shoulder and leans in while Brad leans the other way, away from her.  Two weeks and it’s kaput is my prediction.  Brad gives Emily the ring again and she looks at him and says “just you and me”. Dear me.

I made it to the final minute and “just you and me” made me cry.  It was lovely.  At the end of the day we watch for love to be found so I hope they find it.  I am no longer watching this show.  I wish Brad and Emily well.  As for my own search for love, I am keeping the faith.