The Bachelor Makes Me Want to Cut My Eyes Out But I Can’t Turn it Off

I didn’t blog about The Bachelor last week because it rendered me brain dead for a few days after watching it.  It is because of the emails of disappointment that I’m writing about it now.  I am committed to taking it through to the final rose.  With the help of my very dear friend, Jose Cuervo, I will blog about this train wreck until the bitter end.

We are in Costa Rica.  It’s gorgeous and romantic.  I mean if you like constant rain and bugs the size of dinosaurs, it might be the most romantic place on earth.  Brad is going on, and on, and on, and on, about his search for love and it’s painful.  I am watching, and cringing, yet cannot seem to change the channel.  Damn ABC for their hypnotic powers.

Chantal O. gets the first one-on-one date.  She is bugging me.  She has bugged me from the first day.  She is very calculated and reminds me of last year’s bachelorette, Alli.  She is manipulative and says what she knows makes for good television, and what she knows Brad will soak up.  The thing is, Brad is really dumb, but he is not stupid.  He is figuring them all out, including her, which is good.

Brad seems to have a handle on the situation.  He is concerned with the girls, but doing what he needs to do to find the right girl.  He listens to what they say, and more importantly remembers what they say.  If only he could talk a little faster.  This season is dragging out.  Partially because the eliminations are taking longer, but mostly because of how slow he speaks.

They go zip lining, which looks awesome.  Back at the house the other girls are preparing for a group date, with the final one-on-one going to Alli.  Chantal and Brad are having a picnic and it starts raining again.  Each time it rains Brad says, “ew, it’s raining”.  I don’t know why that’s funny, but it is.  Hearing him say “ew” is both funny and unattractive.

They go inside to eat to escape the rain and back at the house Michelle is certain the rain has ruined their date.  I am certain Michelle needs to be medicated.  By needs to be medicated, of course I mean there is no way this chick is not medicated all the time.  She’s a loon and while in the beginning I thought she was beautiful, her eyebrow/hair color separation is not cute.

Chantal gets out of her wet clothes and into a white man’s button down shirt.  Are we supposed to think it’s Brad’s?  I love this show, and I love the search for love, but I hate it when the producers treat us like we are stupid.  It’s not Brad’s shirt.  The women are dumb, the bachelor is dumb, but we are not.  Respect us just a little more, please.  Thanks.

Brad is telling Chantal he was confused by her in Vegas.  She tells him she is sorry, when Brad suddenly turns into Forest Gump.  He sounds just like Forest and it’s hilarious.  Chantal and Forrest kiss and she is very aware of the cameras, and her mike, when she whispers she is crazy about him.  I needed to reconnect with Jose at this point.

Group date time.  By group date of course I mean watch Michelle humiliate herself and guarantee herself a booking on Ellen.  They are going to repel down a waterfall.  Totally cool.  All the girls match except for Michelle.  She is the only girl not in blue.  She coincidentally happens to be wearing the same color as Brad.  The producers are treating us like idiots again.

They go down one at a time, while Michelle hangs back and stews.  She and Brad repelled down a building and promised to only do it together, yet he is doing it with a cackle of other hens.  Michelle is losing her mind.  When they are the final two, she hits him, calls him a few names and secures her spot as the crazy one.  She’s lame and too predictable to be entertaining.

They are all chilling in a hot spring and the chicks are talking about how romantic it is.  Really?  What is romantic about being in a bathing suit, with a bunch of other girls, and one guy, that you’ve all made out with?  I don’t see anything romantic about the date unless you think romantic means looking like an idiot on television.  If that is the case, then yes, totally romantic.

Emily is being honest and open and telling Brad that she has sabotaged relationships in the past.  It is scaring Brad.  All we learn about his time with Emily is that she is perfect and should be the next Bachelorette, he is boring, and she needs to be with someone a little more exciting.  She is the superstar of this season.

Michelle is in the pool with Brad and once again yelling at him.  She is unstable and I’ve been trying to think about who she reminds me of and I’ve decided it’s Lorena Bobbitt.  She will spin on a dime and dismember Brad when he is sleeping because he didn’t take out the garbage, or return a phone call to her.  Brad is attracted to her but there is no way he wants to be with her.

If Michelle gets a hometown date, then the producer’s seriously think we are dumb and are manipulating the show on a whole new level. I get that it’s television, and it’s fake, but love can be found and we watch with the hope for another Trista and Ryan, and if they are going to treat us like morons, we need to stop watching.  There is no way Brad would go home with her.

Alli is going on her date and she is talking about having a glow of love when she returns.  That innocent sentence is the nail in her coffin and we know she is not coming back.  They are going to hike through a cave, in the dark, with bugs and bats.  Seriously?  How is this a good date?  I would not have done it.  No man is worth a cave hike.  Except maybe George Clooney.

Alli is screaming like a banshee but being with Brad makes her want to “power through her fears” and just do it.  Whatever.  She climbs out of a hole and puts her hand out for him to grab and he doesn’t take her hand. She is talking about how much she is digging him and he has already checked out.  Cut to a few minutes later and bam, she is rose-less and going home.

She is crying and heart broken and it’s sad.  It’s even sadder that she is listed as an “apparel merchant”.  TJ Maxx has never sounded so fancy.  She is cute, sweet, handles herself like a pro, and will meet someone.  I liked her more in the last 2 minutes of her being on the show, than I did the entire season.  Shame.  Guess what?  Michelle is at the door for a visit.

She is bossing Brad around, being an idiot, making out with him, acting crazy, and telling him what he will do next.  Not what he should do, but rather what he will do.  To be honest, I bet she said some truly entertaining things but I fast-forwarded through her visit because I was too busy with Jose to care about what she was saying.  Important to note, I love you Jose.

It’s cocktail party time and Brad is painful.  He is talking about how real it all is, and how hard it all is.  He is talking to Emily about how scared he is and Emily is telling him that she feels bad about their last conversation.  She is wonderful.  I just love her.  She is great and I want her to be happy.  She is the prettiest girl, the sweetest girl, and the only one who is truly a lady.

Chantal O. is a troublemaker and may in fact be crazier than Michelle.  Michelle wears her crazy on her sleeve.  You know she is a kook so you expect it.  Chantal on the other hand, is quiet crazy.  She cannot be trusted and will surprise you.  You can’t trust someone who is unpredictable and Chantal is going to snap.  Michelle is now crying.  Blah, blah, blah.  Faker.

The other Shawntell is now talking to him.  She reminds me of a Kardashian sister.  They are sitting, not talking, and she scooches over and starts kissing him.  It’s weird and awkward and I wonder what these women think when they sit at home and watch how they behaved.  Shawntell, meet my friend Jose.  I think you two will be really good friends.

Chantal O. is pushing the envelope again calling out the girls for who is lying, knowing that it is Michelle.  Michelle comes clean and tells the girls she was the one who spoke to Brad.  Shawtell is saying Michelle is not classy, yet she just made out with him when he was clearly not into it.  Now that is classy.  These chicks are hilarious, and are really fueling my relationship with Jose.

Chantal O. professes her love for Brad.  Flat out tells him, I love you Brad.  Really?  After two weeks and two dates, she is in love with him?  Okay.  She is playing the game and so good for her.  Brad says thank you, which is the last thing you want a man to tell you when you tell him you love him.  It’s mortifying.  This show just got sad and lame.  I mean sadder and lamer.

I’m already regretting that I said I would blog about this show until the bitter end.  Perhaps what will help me get through the rest of the season will be to expand beyond my relationship with Mr. Cuervo.  I might have to invite Mr. Johnny Walker over to watch with me next week.  It might be the only way I can get through it.  Jackie is going home.  No surprise.

Chris Harrison has the best job on television.  He gets to jet around the world, and gets paid to say the same 5 lines over and over again.  Nice gig.  Next week are in a new location and go down to the final four, then hometown dates and the finale in South Africa.  By the final rose I might need rehab.  The countdown is on, so I’m hanging on, and keeping the faith.