The Real Housewives of New York City: Bitches, Drunks, Whorebags & One Night Stands

If I were a child of these women, I would make want to change my name, move to another city, jump on the pole, or perhaps simply kill my mother. There is no better “reality” show on television.  This week’s episode made me want to pluck my own eyes out, and at several points throughout the hour, my ears started to bleed.

Ramona is taking the ladies to St. John for her “Renewal Ceremony Bachelorette Party”.  Jill decided to not go.  Ramono thought it was because she was not going to be center of attention, and therefore there was no point.  LuAnn did not go, because she can’t pee without permission from Jill.  The fact is, Jill did not go because she is a bitch.

LuAnn is off to record a song.  Turns out, she has always been a singer.  Who knew.  To clarify, just because you like to sing, does not make you a good singer.  It just means you like to sing.  This chick does not sing well.  Her producer, Chris Young, is silly.  By silly of course I mean he’s an idiot.  He has the balls to compare her to Madonna and Fergie.  Really?  He is tone deaf,  and clearly in love with the Countless one.

With each episode, I am amazed by how simple, uneducated, and dumb, the Countess is.  This week she referred to Itzhak Perlman as a great singer.  She is a car wreck that you want to desperately get away from, but can’t stop staring at.  Chris Young tells her that when it comes to singing, there is no luck, just skill.  This guy is a piece of work.

Bethanny, Alex, Sonja, Kelly and Ramona have landed in the US Virgin Islands, and you know it’s going to be great.  Bethanny is sad, having just buried her father, but she is there, pregnant, and on fire with the zingers.  Ramona is ready to be a superstar hostess.  Alex is surprisingly lovely.  Kelly is an idiot, which we all knew.  Sonja is just happy to be there.

Kelly is nervous because she’s never been to a bachelorette party.  She is 41 years old, and never had a friend get married?  This proves Kelly has no friends.  She is cold and women, myself included, don’t like her. She has never been one of the more popular housewives, but in these final couple of weeks, I’m predicting that she becomes the least popular.

Ramona has rented a yacht for the trip.  Let’s stop for a moment to say that these are not young girls in their 20’s.  We’re looking at 40’s and 50’s, and each one of them can rock a bikini.  They are crazy, and some are in need of serious medication, or perhaps a white jacket, but they are all rocking their bodies.  Bravo for looking fabulous.

Ramona tells Bethanny about Jill, and how she lost her mind that she was not told about her dad dying, which make Kelly freak out.  She goes off about she is normal, and everyone else is bitter, gross and immature.  The ladies are having a calm discussion, and Kelly can’t stop attacking them.  She is very strange, and has no grasp of the English language.

She tells them all they are sick, and demented.  It was hilarious.  She went off on everyone, and when they said they were talking about their feelings, Kelly freaked out, and stormed off.  She can’t talk about feelings.  She goes to leave, and can’t get the door open.  Fantastic moment.  She is standing there, with her football playing tranny body, fumbling with the door.

Bethanny is hilarious.  Her and Alex are talking about Kelly’s outburst.  When Alex asks her what the hell happened, Bethanny tells her the entire exchange was a gift from Jesus, to make her laugh when she was so sad.  They are laughing as Bethanny is calling Kelly out on all her crap.  I felt happy for Bethanny at that moment, and really liked Alex.

LuAnn is on a date with Court. He is both creepy, and oddly sweet.  They walk into a place that he tells her reminds him of an opium den.  They walk in and she says, “It does look just like an opium den”. Has she seen many?  She met Court in the Hamptons.  She is very happy to be on a date, so she settles in for a nice evening.

They are together for a total of 5 minutes, when she asks him when they are doing it again.  It was cute, but a little off.  Clearly she is out of her element, and is stumbling, but it’s almost endearing, if you can look beyond how ridiculous she is.  They kiss a few times here and there, but it’s weird.  They seem to have no chemistry, yet LuAnn says they do.

We are 42 minutes into the show and no sign of Jill.  This show is much more entertaining without her in it.  She is annoying, and it makes the show exhausting to watch.  Without Jill, it’s much more entertaining.  Pay attention Bravo.  This show is better without Jill in it.  Let’s hope they make that a fact next season.

The ladies go snorkeling, and Ramona is paddling around with a water noodle.  It’s insane, and cute.  There are no fish to see, and Ramona is screaming to everyone, “Where are the fish?”  Hey Ramona, they have all left because they can hear you screaming.  You are too loud.  Even underwater, this chick is too loud.

The ladies are all hanging out on the yacht after dinner, and a couple of drinks.  Ramona has left to visit the yacht next door, which is owned by the owner of Hooters.  Kelly brings shots out, Bethanny is talking about the loss of her father, and all hell breaks loose. Kelly is mentally unstable, and I’m thinking old man photographer dumped her because she is crazy.

Kelly is telling Bethanny that her story is not hers alone.  Let’s of people have difficult lives. She is spewing crap about stuff she does not know anything about.  She is really not well.  Ramona comes back and she is hammered.  Sonja thinks perhaps Kelly is uptight because she secretly loves women, and thinks she needs to get laid, and have a one-night stand.

Kelly thinks that a one-night stand means you have unprotected sex, and sleep with people across America.  She says girls from the mid-west don’t do that.  Really?  Some of my most fabulous, and slutty friends are from the Midwest.  You know who you are girls, and I adore you!  Sonja says that no one should die without having a one-night stand.  Love her.

This episode will forever be the one were I fell in love with Sonja.  I would be friends with this chick.  She is honest, open, and sports a huge set of balls.  At the same time, she is vulnerable, and insecure.  There is a realness to her, that the other ladies, just don’t have.  I like her.  She is gorgeous, funny, and lives her life out loud.

Sonja is expressing herself and Kelly looses it.  Again.  She says that feelings are totally 1979.  What does that even mean?  She says life is short, and people need to let stuff go, yet she can’t seem to let go of every word Bethanny has ever said.  She says Bethanny is constantly trying to hurt her, and her family.  We are witnessing a nervous breakdown.

Kelly gives a speech that belongs on the season finale of Survivor.  She screams that no one likes Bethanny, no one cares about her, she is vindictive, crazy, a whore bag, and people don’t like her. I expect men with a white coat to come out, and haul her off.  How is this woman not being admitted into a psychiatric facility?  I am mortified for her children. 

Ramona is drunk beyond belief, and flirting with the owner of Hooters.  She kisses him on the lips, and is now slurring her words.  She gets an inch away from the guys face, to talk to him, and it is hilarious.  Bethanny comes over to tell Alex and Ramona about the madness next door.  Ramona explains Bethanny and Kelly’s relationship by saying they are like salt and water. So drunk.

Kelly then has the balls to come over to the Hooters boat.  Ramona tells Kelly that she needs to shut up, or leave.  Others than preggers, everyone is a little hammered.  Ramona then starts fighting with Kelly to be nice.  The poor Hooter’s guy is watching them all fight, and it’s fabulous.  As they are fighting, Sonja is on the lookout for a Hooter girl.

Alex, Ramona and Bethanny go out dancing to avoid being back on the boat with Kelly.  They are shaking their groove thing, and it’s nice because Ramona is in hog heaven, and it’s her party, so she should have fun. Back at the boat, Kelly is in Crazytown, and Sonja is hammered, convinced Kelly’s room smells like cat pee.

We made it though an entire show without Jill, and it was so good.  Next week looks like it will be my favorite episode of the NYC Housewives ever.  This show is a guilty pleasure I am willing to openly admit I love.  It will be interesting to see how many of their kids end up in porn, or drug rehab.  Anything other than 100%, will require their mothers to keep the faith.