The Bachelor Women Tell All – Translation 101

The greatest love experiment on television is coming to the end of another season.  Last night, the Women Tell All special aired as this week’s installment of The Bachelor.  Next week, Jake will wrap it all up with the most dramatic final rose ceremony in history!

I don’t know about you, but I was a little bored last night.  There was an awful lot of recapping.  I feel like it was a big flashback dream, and I invested a lot of time, for very little payback.  That said, I love this show and whatever they need to do, to fill two hours, they have my blessing.

I was at the taping of the Women Tell All special.  It took hours of filming, and lot’s of what we saw ended up on the cutting room floor.  I must say though, they did a good job of editing because most of what they cut, was repetitious and not that interesting.

They began by showing a bunch of bachelor/bachelorette cast reunions.  Who knew these even existed?  If it is any indication of what The Bachelor Pad show will be like this summer, we can look forward to seeing tons of naked bodies, drunken rants, and regrettable sex.

We are then shown how the cast members of seasons past, help to give back by donating their time to charity.  To be honest, I did not remember half the people who they featured, but that’s not important.  What’s key, is that they are helping.  If their pretending to be famous for a little while longer, gives them the motivation to help those less fortunate, then bravo.

I would like to provide a translation of what we saw last night.  With the end fast approaching, let’s break it down so people will be better able to understand what everyone is really saying.  I am an expert in the language of “Bachelorese”, so please allow me to bring it all together.

Gia is the first to sit down with Chris Harrison.  She says that she may not act or seem insecure, but she is probably the most insecure girl there.  Translation:  Even she does not get how pretty she is and if she did, it would have been a whole other ball game.

I had a chance to speak with Gia last week, and ask some questions.  Let me just say, this is a really lovely girl.  She is articulate, bright and charming.  I asked her about her insecurity, because it’s hard to imagine a girl who is so pretty, could feel bad about herself.

She said that her dream would be to use her new found celebrity to help junior high and high school girls who are struggling with bullying, mean girls and insecurity.  She is the classic ugly duckling turned swan, and that she wants to help others who are like she was, is admirable.

I really like this girl.  She was a lady in the house, she befriended Vienna when no one else would, and she was classy when she got the boot.  I still think her laugh and accent would grate on my nerves after a while, but this is truly a wonderful girl and I hope good things happen for her.

Michelle is up next.  She is a freak and I love her.  I could talk about her forever.  If Mike Fleiss wants to be really brave, then they should make her the next Bachelorette.  She is angry and bitter, which makes for great television.

Michelle said she does not need a therapist, and is very stable.  Translation:  There is no amount of therapy that can help her, so why bother wasting time or money on therapy.  Unless the therapist is super hot, then she would go and be full on Fatal Attraction.  Michelle should go on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew for her addiction to love.

The hot seat now belongs to Ali.  Let me just say that I do not like this girl.  I think she is a liar and a celebrity wannabe.  by wannabe, of course I mean she is working really hard to be the next Bachelorette.  I know she is America’s sweetheart, but come on people.  This is the most manipulative woman of the entire season.

I had an opportunity to talk with Ali last week also, and this chick is bad news.  I asked her if she felt any responsibility for the bad press that Vienna was getting, since she helped paint her in such a bad light.  She managed to lie her way through her answer.

She said it was a tough question to answer.  Translation:  She needs a minute to pull an answer out of her butt. She said it would make her sad if she was a part of hurting Vienna, because that’s definitely not something she’d ever want to instigate.  Translation:  Crap, if this backfires and I don’t get to be the Bachelorette I’m going to be annoyed.  I better start apologizing right away.

She went on to say that she regrets the things she said, but that we didn’t see the whole story.  First she was apologizing, then saying it was the editing, then saying she was trying to help Vienna.  This chick is a liar, and on a mission to be the Bachelorette.  I do not get why people are fans of hers.  She is a mean girl, and karma is a bitch, so she needs to watch her back.

Ali is the silver medal winner in the fake crying Olympics.  She almost got a gold, but Jake won by a tear.  I don’t believe anything this girl says.  She is her own PR machine, and is saying all the right things to ingratiate herself to America, so she can be the next Bachelorette.

Look away from the light people!  She is a fraud.  Do not fall for it.  She should NOT be the Bachelorette.  She had her chance at love and walked away.  Why should she get a do-over?  She needs to go back to work, and get over it.  Her 15 minutes of fame need to be wrapped up.

She says that if Vienna is watching, she wants to tell her she is sorry, and to be strong.  Translation:  Sorry I was so horrible to you Vienna, but whatever, I’m going to be the next Bachelorette, which is why I came on the show in the first place, so I win.  This chick is disgusting.

This brings us to the skanky whore portion of the programming.  Rozlyn.  Bravo to her for coming back.  I’m thinking she was contractually obligated, and not thrilled to be there, but whatever.  She is the best train wreck ever, and was the part of the show I was most looking forward to.

There were two things said by Rozlyn at the taping, that I thought were important.  I decided that if the show edited out these two things, I was not going to watch anymore.  I get that “reality” television is not that real, but if they left them out, they were full of crap and I was done.

This was the only part that I cared about for the entire two hours, so now I’m waiting to see if Mike Fleiss is making a show about finding love, or assuming the audience is stupid, and manipulating us to see only what wants us to see, not the truth.

Item #1:  Rozlyn said that she swore on her son’s life that she never kissed the producer.  Translation:  I am a disgusting, filthy, skanky whore and I just lied on my son’s life, which means that my lies are more important than the well being of my son.  I would NEVER say such a thing, nor would any normal mother.  I feel so sad for her little boy.

That statement by Rozlyn was one of the deal breakers for me that needed to make it into the show.  This was important because if they took it out, they were restricting how we view Rozlyn, or somehow protecting her, and she did not deserve the protection.  This woman is crazy.

Item #2:  Rozlyn accuses Chris Harrison of hitting on the wife of the Producer she was fooling around with in New Zealand.  Important to note that we learned not only was she having an inappropriate sexual affair with a staffer on the show, but he was married.  She is so classy.

I think it’s impressive that they showed this statement by Rozlyn.  They could have easily taken it out and no one would have known.  It speaks volumes about the integrity of both Chris Harrison and Mike Fleiss, that it made it to air.  It was a disgusting thing for Rozlyn to say, but I suppose when she was desperate, and drowning under her own lies, it was easy to be disgusting.

It’s time now for a few minutes with Jake.  I want to take a moment to say that I think Jake is the worse actor ever.  He is full of crocodile tears, and every time he wipes a fake tear from his eye, I want to start screaming.  He is always saying that his heart was crying.  Translation:  If I can get a tear out now, I think I can land a gig on General Hospital.

Oh.  My.  God.  We are now forced to watch both Ali, AND Jake, fake cry.  I want to pluck out my own eyes just so it will stop.  They show a blooper real at this moment, and I can’t even watch it because the fake crying has made my eyes bleed.  I missed the whole thing.

In the end, we got about 10 minutes of good television, hidden within two hours of fluff, but I don’t care.  I love this show and I’m looking forward to the finale next week.  It will be interesting to see if all the spoilers we are hearing about are true, or if Jake surprises us all with an unexpected decision.

I can’t wait to see how it all plays out.  I hope Jake picks Vienna, and Tenley gets to be be the next Bachelorette, so she can finally get over her ex-husband.  As for who they actually pick to be the bachelorette, I don’t really care, as long as it’s NOT Ali.

All I can do is trust that Mike Fleiss sees that she is an inherently mean girl, and does not deserve the opportunity.  Call me Mike Fleiss and I will explain it all to you.  You trust me, and in turn, I will keep the faith.