Jersey Shore Goes Jewish
Jersey Shore is a phenomenon. Not only do we all watch it, don’t lie, you watch it, but we can watch the same episode over and over again. It just does not get old and when I thought it could not get any better, the shore has gone Jewish.
I was happy to see promos about “the Israeli chick”. I’m thinking one of the guidos is going to fall in love with a Jew, and she will be awesome. Then we meet Danielle. For the 20 giants steps forward that Bar Refaeli took the image of Israeli women, Danielle just shot us back 100 steps.
Pauly is one of the show regulars and he is hilarious. His life revolves around going to the gym, tanning, doing laundry and scoring chicks. He spends 25 minutes doing his hair everyday, and sometimes it’s 2 or 3 times a day. Interesting note: his hair looks ridiculous.
So Pauly meets Israeli Danielle. She is not particularly attractive but cute enough to get hit on at the Jersey shore. She tells him she loves being Jewish and he should come to the Holy Land to which he responds, “I will get beat up there. I’m Catholic dude.”
He tells the camera that he does not know anything about Israel or “that” religion and all he cares about is “getting to the business” with Danielle. He tells her they should go to his room and she tells him they can’t have sex until they get married.
He complains it’s going to be impossible to hook up with her, but he loves a challenge. If he can hook up with her it will be his accomplishment for the summer. He says this after he tells us that she is annoying and he doesn’t even really like her.
If I were 20 years younger, really stupid, had no self-esteem and a serious drinking problem, I would totally go to the shore this summer to score me a guido. It is so romantic.
Danielle makes out with Pauly for a minute and then leaves. He met her, she wouldn’t put out, she bails, he moves on. Done. Israel gets a 2 minute mention and it’s over. Just as well. Danielle seems a little off so it’s good she’s gone and won’t be embarrassing the tribe.
Then Pauly is out on the boardwalk with a trio of girls and out of nowhere Danielle comes up to him. She seriously came out of nowhere and just appears. Houston we have a problem. How do you say stalker in Hebrew?
She asks him what he’s doing later, he says nothing, she says let’s hang, he tells her he’ll call when he gets home. She leaves. He’s freaked out but continues with his friends. Cut to a few minutes later when he is at the tattoo parlor and hears his name being called. Guess who?
She has purchased him a t-shirt that says I Heart Jewish Girls, and lets him know she added the Star of David. That would be cute, except for the fact that it means she either keeps fabric paint in her purse, or, bought the shirt, drove around looking for a fabric store, got paint, made the star, let it dry, then gave it to him. How do you say creepy in Hebrew?
So he gets the shirt, let’s the camera know he will never wear it, and tells her again, he will call her when he gets home. She tells him not to be a #&@% and call her because she will not call him. Okay. He tells her he will. She kisses him and leaves with a totally pissed attitude.
Pauly goes on with his business and decides to go on a ride on the boardwalk. He gets off the ride and there is Danielle. She is full on stalking now and totally passive aggressive. The girls he is hanging out with are now scared of her, and blow off Pauly so he heads home.
Remember, Danielle told Pauly that she will never call him. It is his job to call her and she is NOT calling. So Pauly is now home and the phone rings. He does not want to answer because he thinks it’s Danielle, so a roommate answers and surprise, surprise it’s the Israeli.
She calls every 5 minutes for the next hour. Pauly has determined she is crazy and will teach her a lesson. He said he would call, she freaked out when he didn’t, he takes the phone off the hook and lets her stew. Are you following? How do you say train wreck in Hebrew?
It’s now morning and the entire house is talking about the stalker. Everyone agrees the Israeli is conductor of the A-train to Looneyville. The phone rings, the background music starts, we all know who it is. Mike answers, gets Pauly and tells him to wait so he can make popcorn. The roommates get comfy and listen in to the show.
This is my favorite part. Everyone is listening and Danielle goes from being a weird stalker to a total embarrassment. She tells Pauly there is one thing he needs to know about her and it’s that she does not like to be played. Really? That’s the ONE thing we need to know about you Danielle? How do you say delusional in Hebrew?
She is rambling on about how she feels stupid for how HE is acting, and he keeps asking if it’s his turn to speak. She is screaming about how she is not stupid. She tells him it’s his turn to talk, and as he is talking, she keeps talking. He is talking over, her telling her it’s his turn, but she won’t shut up. It is comedy gold.
Pauly is talking calmly when he tells her she is a crazy stalker and should have just trusted him. She loses it, screams she is not crazy, or a stalker, and she will not be made to look stupid. It’s a little late for that. She has pulled off a miracle. She managed to make Pauly look like a great guy. Which seemed impossible for the first 8 episodes of Jersey Shore.
She is still talking, explaining again how she is not a loon, and he hangs up on her. He then informs us all that Danielle is not looking for a hook up, she is looking for a husband. Can you imagine the nerve of this guy? A nice Jewish girl looking for a husband? Unheard of.
Thursday will be the season finale of this train wreck. I am sad to see them go and hope they come back with a whole new group of freaks. Here’s an idea MTV, do a show called “Beaches of Eilat” and get a group of 8 hot Israelis to hang out in a house and send a guido there on holiday.
I love this show. It’s the most entertaining hour of non-entertaining entertainment ever. As for it coming back for a second season, I’m going to keep the faith.
**You can follow me on Twitter @ilanaangel