The Bachelor

I am hooked on The Bachelor and it’s only been two weeks.  Last night was a series of train wrecks that would not stop.  Just when one of the chicks did something to make you think she was a loon, the next one would turn out to be a whore and it was fantastic.

Michelle is the Mayor the Crazytown.  This chick seriously needs to be kept away from sharp objects.  She is going to stab someone, or perhaps herself and the good news is that we will all be able to see it on YouTube because a staffer will sell the footage.  Staffers do a lot of bad stuff on The Bachelor but we’ll come back to that.

I laugh out loud when the girls scream at the mention of every date.  I laugh even harder when they speak about Jake like he planned the whole thing.  He planned nothing.  My King Mike Fleiss and his peeps are the masterminds behind all these dates and when Jake takes credit we all know the truth.

The first date is a photo shoot for InStyle.  Roz, the whore, says Jake is so cute she wants to bite him then lifts her leg and flashes her Hoo Ha.  So classy.  Christina, the girl next door, is sincere and she is so nervous that it’s charming and you feel for her.  She is however a sloppy drunk and looks like she’s had Botox injections directly into her eyeballs.  I would watch an hour of her being drunk and trying to talk.

I think Gia is the prettiest girl and last week I said I would like a week in her body.  Here’s the thing, I would be happy to take a day.  I just can’t imagine what it must be like to be that pretty. Jake is winning me over but he is clearly all about the swimsuit and it’s fascinating to watch him be in a deep conversation with Gia and then shut off immediately whenever a swimsuit comes by. 

Ally, The Sleeping Beauty look-a-like, got the one-on-one date.  When she got on the Harley in a mini dress I thought I was watching Rock of Love and had to regroup.  I am perplexed how a girl who has missed out on family vacations because she does not fly was able to get into a lawn mower and fly for an hour. Was her flying fear fake?  Indeed it was. It was a risk but she won. She is a lucky girl, particularly because her dress did not fall off as she ran across the grass.

The second group date was hilarious.  Elizabeth did not disappoint and is totally the secret Queen of Crazytown.  She told Jake that he couldn’t kiss her unless she is the last girl standing.  Is she insane?  He is seriously going to not kiss her unless he wants to marry her?  What is that noise? It’s the nails going into your coffin Crazy.  You just sealed your own fate.  Dumb.  Dumb.  Dumb.

Vienna is becoming my favorite tranny.  She wins the Worse Hair Extensions On Television Award.  Turns out she was so crushed by her high school boyfriend dumping her that she married a stranger just to get back at him then she got divorced 4 months later.  Maybe they got divorced because she forgot to tell him she was a he?  I love this “chick” and hope she stays a little longer.

Ashley the teacher reminds me of Wonder Woman and when she got the blow off hug with no kiss you knew it was over for her.  Jake gave a birthday cupcake to Ella and he talked about how he loved the wings that her son sent for him.  I’d be willing to bet that she totally manipulated that whole thing and if you asked Ethan what he wanted to be it would be fireman not pilot.  It’s a Balloon Boy situation if you ask me.

I’m over Tenley.  She was my top pick last week but now I think she’s on her way out.  She’s had two opportunities to tell Jake she is divorced and passed twice.  Not good sister.  She’s out for me.  I have to mention one more time that Michelle is in serious need of help.  She is really, really on the edge of a breakdown and I hope he keeps her long enough that we can see it.

Then we come to the big moment that has been hyped up for a week.  Rozlyn, the whore, is kicked off the show for sleeping with a staffer while the show is being taped.  Really?  You can’t write this stuff.  He’s fired and she’s kicked off and stands there saying nothing.  Chris Harrison tells her she’s out and he is fabulous with just the right amount of pissed off and compassion. 

She tells Chris “I don’t think my personal life is anyone’s business.”  Is she kidding?  She then says, “I don’t think there was anything deceitful.”  I LOVE THIS SHOW.  She sleeps with a guy while she is trying to get chosen and there is nothing deceitful?  I pegged her to be a little slutty on week one but to be a skanky, lying whore?  I did not see that one coming.

Chris and Jake come to tell the girls that Rozlyn is out and they all start crying.  Seriously?  I would have been jumping on the furniture to have a frontrunner out the door but they are all balling and it’s hilarious.  They are all talking about deception and lies and it’s perfect. They have all lied and the panic has set in that they will now get caught.  Fabulous!

With Rozlyn, Christina and Ashley now gone, Jake is down to 12.  It’s going to be a great season and I’m excited.  Also looking forward to The Bachelor Pad this summer.  If you are reading this Mike Fleiss, and I know you are, I want to work on that show and by work on it of course I mean I want to hang out on set all day and watch the madness up close and personal.

I have never been so thankful to be in my 40’s as when I watch these young women show how stupid they are.  Next week will be amazing. Jake needs to hold on and take a deep breath because it’s not going to be enough to just keep the faith.