November 14, 2018

Dating 101: Lies & Shorts

I had an interesting dating weekend. By interesting of course I mean I am one step closer to another cat. My dating life is tragic. Tragic and hilarious. While I’d like to think it is because I simply date the wrong men for me, I cannot help but wonder if it is fact me. How is it possible for one woman to have such bad luck when dating? What am I putting out into the world to attract these men? The bottom line is dating sucks and it’s not me.

I met a man online last week. We emailed one time and exchanged phone numbers.  We made plans to meet for drinks and dinner on Saturday night. I really liked him. He was a beautiful writer, had gorgeous blue eyes, and a lot of stories. I like people who have stories and experiences. As I prepared for the date I was not only NOT nervous, I was actually excited to spend time with him, which is unusual. I usually feel quite sick before going on a date.

I walked into the bar and as soon as I say him my heart sank a bit. I shook it off because I’ve learned that at this stage of life people are often dishonest about basic things in order to appear more attractive. It is silly and stupid because it makes them liars right from the start. I suppose they’re simply trying, so there must be kindness. He said he was 5’11”, but was 5’8”. He said he was 58, but was clearly in his mid 60’s. He also said he never lies. Okay. He was drowning in half truths.

When we spoke on the phone he told me about his work, but in person his story kept changing. He went from having sold a script, to trying to sell it. He went from having met a celebrity, to having actually met the celebrity’s son. He was trying to keep it together, but lost his grasp of what he was saying and it unraveled. The lies were piling up and he quickly became pathetic. What he said on the phone was not at all grounded in truth. It was almost funny.

I hope people lie from a place of loneliness not a desire to deceive, but that hope can occasionally be hard to hold onto. Not only did he lie, but he lied about things that would be obvious the moment we met, which makes him not only a liar, but stupid. It is disrespectful to me, to himself, and at the end of the day a waste of time, and getting ready for a date takes time! I won’t be seeing him again. Hopefully he found his way home as he forgets things.

The second man was equally disappointing more. We were recently matched with on a dating app and he looked really familiar. I felt like I knew him, but didn’t know from where. I didn’t want to respond to him until I remembered who he was, then it came to me. He had reached out to me a couple of years ago. We spoke 2 or 3 times and made plans to meet for a drink. He had 2 young kids so his time was limited and the date was set for a week later.

Before I had even starting talking to this man, I had made a plan to meet another man for drinks. I was getting ready for that date when he happened to call. I let him know I was meeting up for a drink and would call him on my way home. He wanted to know who I was meeting. I mentioned it was a fix up. Not to rub in I was seeing someone else, but because it was the truth. I did not know this man, and it didn’t seem like a big deal, so I was honest.

He became very offended I would go out with someone else. He said I was disrespectful and abruptly hung up on me. I never heard from him again. Important to note I texted him to explain the date had been set up before we started talking, but he never responded. Cut to him reaching out again this week, and my reminding him about what happened when we last spoke. He said he didn’t remember hanging up on me and apologized. I don’t think so.

When we spoke on the phone he eventually admitted to “vaguely” remembering me and his hanging up. We chatted a couple of times and he was lovely. He said he was going through a lot in his life then, and perhaps it was as simple as our timing being off. He suggested everything happens for a reason and we were not meant to be then, but found ourselves connecting now, because now was the time. It was sweet and romantic and I appreciated the effort.

Here’s the thing though, when somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time. We chatted and texted for a few days and decided we’d meet for a drink and see if there was a connection. In one of our text chats, while talking about our upcoming first date, we somehow got onto the topic of gym shorts. He was buying a new pair, and said he would wear them when we met. I joked that he might want to rethink shorts on a first date. It was funny.

He then got upset and texted something about being a New Yorker, he is who he is, I need to accept him, and gym shorts on a first date is totally cool. That was on Saturday, we had plans on Sunday, but I never heard back from him. Not a word. It makes me laugh. From where I’m sitting the man has issues, and unless we are going to the gym, or a hike on a first date, don’t wear gym shorts. It is just not proper first date over cocktails dress. Ever.

Important to note that I live in the valley and it is freaking hot, so of course shorts are fine. That said, there are nice shorts and there are gym sorts. It is gym shorts that I take issue with, before someone writes that I am uptight and judging. I am going to Canada for the weekend. Thrilling to be home with my family, and thrilling to not have a date. Dating is hard. It is also fun, exciting, and exhausting, so when dating one must focus on keeping the faith.

Dating 101 – Bring on the rain

I started dating someone late last year and even though I totally thought we would be a thing, in the end we are not the thing I had hoped for. I really like him and we are friends, but it is a shame it didn’t become more. The simple truth is that at this stage of my life, I want to be with someone who is ready for a relationship. I have a wonderful life to share, and I am a wonderful human being, so there is no energy or point in spending time convincing someone to be brave.

If I don’t value myself, then how can I expect someone else to value me? I have had my heart broken, more than once, but I have never let that pain stop me from trying.  Love is grand and I am not going to let hurt influence my happiness. The memories of heartache certainly shape my heart, but they do not have the power to change what I want and what I believe I am worthy of. I hope this man gets to a place where he knows he is worthy of a good woman who values him.

Dating is not fun, but if you view it with the knowledge that even a misstep gets you one step closer to love, you’ll be okay. I had a date this weekend with a man a friend set me up with. I was told he would make me laugh, so we made a plan to meet for breakfast. He was handsome, on time, had a job, and fantastic green eyes. We said hello, settled in for the dance, and it was going well. Then he decided that he was going to call the waitress a bitch. Not once, but twice, to her face. We were done in just under ten minutes.

There is no world in which I am going to be okay with this behavior, so I went in. I started by apologizing to the waitress. She was lovely, which made his treatment of her even more disturbing. I told him he was rude and I was not only not interested in staying on our date, but he needed to apologize to the waitress. It was then that he told me I was, wait for it, a bitch. I got up, “accidentally” spilled my iced tea on his lap, and headed home.

I was sad for about five minutes, then it was just another step in my journey.  There is someone for everyone. The man I met for breakfast will meet a woman to spend his life with, and I’m hoping she ends being a total bitch. The man I was dating will also meet someone, and she will inspire him to risk getting his heart broken again. He will see her worth and that he is better beside her. I will be that woman for someone one day. Just not today, and that is okay.

It is Monday morning and raining in in Los Angeles, which is a great thing. The universe is washing away the weekend and allowing the week to begin fresh. I will keep trying because that is half the battle. You can’t be sad that you are alone if you are not trying to meet someone. How we try is not important, as long as we try. We are all worthy of love and if you want a relationship, you will have one. Be brave, take a risk, know your worth, believe in love, and keep the faith.

 

 

Dating 101 – Baggage

Men often say women have a lot of baggage and they don’t want to deal with any drama. I read as much in countless profiles of men dating online. They are very specific about not wanting to deal with the damage of all the men who have come before them. I get it, but if men think it is only women who have baggage, they are delusional. Men are also scarred by previous relationships and it is funny when they insist they are not. Men not only have baggage, but it is much heavier.

I have spent the past week speaking to a man from Santa Monica. He is 61, divorced with 2 kids, and painfully fragile. We didn’t have any interactions that did not include him telling me he did not like what I was saying. If I said something sarcastic, as I am known to do, he would say “I don’t like that.” He spent a lot of time telling me what he didn’t like, what he wouldn’t do, and letting me know he was desperate for acceptance and kindness. It was sad and exhausting.

We spoke and texted for little while, then in what would be our last conversation, he had what can only be described as a nervous breakdown. We were chatting about relationships and sex. I asked him if he was still sexually active, which I think is an acceptable question. We are adults, he is 61, and I thought the question in the context of our conversation was fair and appropriate. He didn’t think so and started to scream at me that he doesn’t answer those questions.

One might of thought he was rude, or perhaps assume he’s dealing with sexual issues, or conclude he has been treated unkindly, but either way it was weird and his reaction was disproportionate to the situation. He was angry, confused, flustered, and embarrassed. This is a man who is carrying around so much baggage he is weighed down and simply walking around in circles. It was strange, then funny, then really quite sad. Needless to say, we won’t be speaking again.

Relationships are hard and more complicated at age 51. Everyone is coming to the table with history, and with history comes baggage. I don’t expect someone to not have needs or reactions based on their past, but I do expect someone to not yell at me, and certainly not approve or disapprove of everything I say. To this man who felt he could yell at me, I hope you take a moment to step back and reevaluate what it is exactly you are doing in terms of your dating style.

I would recommend you focus on your kids and work and not date right now. You are emotionally not ready. The truth is that any woman who is willing to date someone at your level of pain, is equally as unavailable. You’ll end up having a relationship that is unsatisfying for you both. There is nothing wrong with having baggage. We are adults and that is life, just be careful how you pack it. I am continuing to date, doing a little unpacking of my own, and keeping the faith.

Winners and Losers

While the Jewish vote apparently split down the middle in James K. Hahn’s victory over Antonio Villaraigosa in the contest for mayor, there was bad news and good news for Jewish candidates in other races.

Former City Councilman Michael Feuer, who had led in the polls and early returns, was defeated in his race for city attorney. Feuer, the former director of the Bet Tzedek legal aid service, lost to Deputy Mayor Rocky Delgadillo by a margin of 52.5 percent to 47.5 percent.

In the contest for the third citywide office, Laura Chick had already clinched election as city controller in the April primaries. Chick, a former city council-member and one-time counselor with the Jewish Family Service, is the first woman — of any denomination — to win a citywide election in Los Angeles.

Two victories marked the possible emergence of a new generation of young Jewish politicians.

In the affluent and influential City Council 5th District, dubbed the “District of the Stars,” newcomer Jack Weiss won in an upset victory over veteran political activist and state Sen. Tom Hayden.

Weiss, a former federal prosecutor, won by a margin of 289 votes, or 0.5 percent of the total vote.

Another newcomer, Michael Waxman, son of veteran Congressman Henry Waxman, had won election to the L.A. Community College board of trustees — a frequent springboard to higher political office — in the primaries.

Two Jewish women contested the 4th District seat for the L.A. Unified School District’s board of education, with Marlene Canter beating incumbent Valerie Fields by a 54-to-46 margin.

In the City Council race in the 3rd District, the Jewish candidate, Judith Hirshberg, lost to Dennis Zine by barely 132 votes.