Hanging in the Liminal Place

Working as a hospice chaplain, I came to notice something.  I would call it a particular “developmental phase” in a family’s adjustment to a member’s critical illness.  As humans, we tend to be most calm when everything is in its proper place, and matters are more or less predictable. If a challenge presents itself, as long as we are prepared, we seem to muster the courage to follow the plan when necessary. If we know someone will recover from their illness, we can accept the fact that it might take a long time, knowing that the stress will be temporary. When we know someone is going to die, it might take us time to gingerly edge our way through the denial. But if we know death is inevitable, again, families seem to be able to orient themselves, and with the help of other family and friends, face the outcome.

However, anxiety rises when the outcome is uncertain, and even more so, if the time frame is uncertain. Doctors may have informed the family that the situation is grave, but there is an “X%” chance for recovery. I find this to be the most difficult situation for families. They must hold both hope and resignation, relief and anticipatory grief together in their hands. They can neither commit themselves to a full anticipation of return to wellness, nor begin a true “letting go” of the patient. The see-saw of not knowing how to place themselves in relationship to the patient is exhausting physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

What people tend to do in these situations is either to have an unrealistic belief that by sheer will, they will make a miracle recovery happen, or to convince themselves that death is very near, and will occur soon. This has to be one of the most trying experiences of an otherwise normal life — to sit still on the tightrope between life and death, and just…sit there, without jumping to one conclusion or the other.

In the early 20th Century, the anthropologist Arnold Van Gennep coined a term: the “Liminal.” A limn (pronounced limin) is an architectural term for a doorway, or more properly, the two door jambs and the lintel that support the space where we pass from one room to the next [and form the structure where a door is hung]. In his classic book, The Rites of Passage, Van Gennep describes that the rituals marking the phases of life each contain a separation from their outgrown cohort, a liminal interlude followed by an integration into their new identity. The liminal is an uncomfortable place, unpredictable, and sometimes dangerous. But it is also an unscripted place, a creative place, where things you might not have ever imagined can happen. A touch at a fortuitous moment, eyes opening briefly – these can be so full of meaning. Religious rituals are the structures human have created to build protection and a path to tread through the liminal time. Jewishly, we might say prayers, especially the vidui, or read psalms.

Knowing all this might become handy after the event. But I doubt that this sort of intellectual knowledge can penetrate into that very unusual experience of being in the liminal place — the very time when you need it. What might help is singing some songs or prayers, allowing one’s self to notice how uncomfortable it is, and then looking for, anticipating, something special that might happen in this unpredictable, very real nexus between life and death.

Me’irah Iliinsky is a Reconstructionist rabbi, as well as an artist. Her Judaica artwork provides “Visual Access to Sacred Texts,” and is a unique way to enter a more contemplative understanding of Judaism. She teaches Torah at the Jewish Community Center of San Francisco. Her artwork can be viewed at Versesilluminated.com. She has been a student of and instructor for the Gamliel Institute.

TASTE OF GAMLIEL

Taste of Gamliel registration is still open. Join us for the conclusion of this webinar series with the theme The World To Come – Do You Have Your Ticket? 

The series includes five sessions. All sessions are recorded and available to those who are registered; signing up at any point in the series grants access to all of them.   

The final session in this series will be on May 15^th, and features Beth Huppin. The session is 5 pm PDST/8 pm EDST. 

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Gamliel Institute students (past and present) are also encouraged to attend the conference and plan to remain for an additional day (through mid-day/lunch Wednesday) following the conference for a live educational program we are calling Day of Learning. During the conference, we will be celebrating the first group of graduates of the Gamliel Institute, and looking forward to the next cohort. Immediately following the close of the conference, we continue with learning specifically geared to Gamliel Students. We have as our instructors for this fabulous closed session series of Text study opportunities Reuven Kimmelman on Kaddish, Eddie Feld on Psalm 49, and Ruth Langer on Tziduk Hadin. This will be an in-depth, informative, and inspirational program! Mark your calendar, make your plans, and register to attend now! The class is free to Gamliel students, but donations to help us offset the cost are very welcome.  Please RSVP to David Zinner info@jewish-funerals.org to let us know to expect you.   

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