The Bachelor Pad Ends with Michael as Both a Mensch and a Schmuck

I am sad to see this show end.  It is mindless fun that highlights everything that is wrong with reality television.  This is the best part of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise and I look forward to it coming back next summer.  That is the most pathetic thing I have ever said.  I am looking forward to the return of a crapfest train wreck a year away?  Dear Lord.

The final 4 couples are going to Vegas for the final challenge.  They must do a Cirque du Soleil act on a suspended wall, hanging by wires. Watching fame whores butcher the work of these world class performers is fun.  The thought of them up there is almost good enough to make me forgive ABC for dragging this out for 3 hours.

Kasey and Vienna are fighting.  She continues to think he is a moron, and we continue to think she is a bitch.  Michael continues to be in love with Holly, and Holly continues to wish Michael was Blake.  Michelle continues to be oddly likeable, and Graham continues to have nothing of interest to say.  Kirk and Ella continue to be invisible.

Holly and Michael are talking and she is stringing him along which is just sad. Michael is a total and complete loser and I love him.  Listening to the commentary from everyone is boring and I’m feeling the need to fast forward, and considering it’s 3 hours long, I’m okay with some skipping. Sadly I started watching again in time to see who the judges are.

The judges are:  Trista.  She is the golden child of this train wreck and I like her a lot.  Jason Mesnick is back and I could care less.  Then Alli comes back and I want to vomit.  I think she is disgusting and that she continues to be on television is gross.  Chris Harrison says the judges alone decide who moves on to the finale.  By judges of course he means the producers.

Michelle and Graham are fine.  Ella and Kirk suck. Kasey and Vienna are good. Michael and Holly are fantastic.  Jason asks them if they are a couple and it’s super lame.  They don’t talk to anyone else, but we are supposed to believe this is a real, unplanned question?  Whatever.  Michael and Holly win and are in the finals.  Ella and Kirk are sent home.

I’m skipping over Ella’s crying in the limo ride home.  Blah, blah, blah.  I’m a single mother.  Blah, blah, blah.  Got it.  Now Michael and Holly get to pick who they take with them to the finals.  Kasey is talking too much and pissing off Vienna, which ends in them fighting.  Again, Michelle and Graham are lovely, and in the end, Kasey and Vienna are going home.  Finally!

It’s now time for the end of the show, which is live, but really taped a few weeks ago.  So lame.  Chris Harrison is there, which almost makes this show too boring to watch, but here we go.  Ames and Jackie and there and they are no longer together.  I love Ames, and never liked Jackie.  In watching her on the reunion and I realize that opinion of her is still true.

Ames is being charming, saying they were simply too different. She is a crazy person, blaming him for her weeklong depression in bed.  It’s a classic case of he’s just not that into you Jackie.  Ames is a charismatic and wonderful man, and Jackie has nothing to offer a man like him.  All Jackie did was blow the chance for Ames to be the Bachelor.  Bitch.

Jake is spewing crap about getting closure with Vienna, and Vienna has a dry mouth that is making her sound like Kasey, and her lazy eye is spinning.  She thinks she was lovely to Jake, and we are all wondering if she is high because she was horrible.  Erica is making perfect sense and looks prettier than she ever has.  Is Harrison wearing a hairpiece?

Jake is talking one on one to Harrison and I’m skipping it.  I get back to watching just as Kasey tells Jake he’s sorry for treating him badly, and they hug.  Vienna is looking at Kasey like she wants to kill him, and for the first time all season, or ever for that matter, I like Kasey.  It’s Kasey’s turn to talk to Harrison and I find myself feeling bad for him.

Vienna ruins lives, is the moral of the story for Kasey.  Let’s hope he learned a lesson and has moved on from this hot mess.  I used to like her but she is a little too manipulative for me.  That said, she was not the most disgusting person on the show. That title goes to Blake and Holly, who have tied.  They are rotten, and Melissa is just plane crazy.  Poor thing needs meds.

Blake tells us that he loves Holly, then they show a tape of him asking her to marry him.  Oy vey.  I was almost sucked into the romance of it all until Blake said he loved Holly’s intelligence, then I snapped out of it and got back on the train ride through hell.  Michael and Holly, Graham and Michelle are brought out and then it gets really awkward.

Holly, the skanky whore, tells Michael, who has been pining over her for months, is told on “live” television, that she is going to marry Blake.  It’s very sad and I think shameful to do this to a poor man like this.  It’s horrible and I feel terrible for Michael.  She has been breaking his heart for weeks and now she just crushes it.  I seriously don’t like this chick.

Michael regains his composure and could not be more lovely.  Meanwhile, over with Michelle and Graham, they look great together.  Her father has passed away and while they don’t profess to be in love, the love is evident and I predict they will get married.  Who would have thought that Michelle Money would end the season as one of my favorites?  Go figure.

The kicked out contestants get to vote for who they think should be the winners.  They get to ask some questions and they are all dumb.  Seriously, this show could have been done in two hours.  By two hours of course I mean 45 minutes.  And the winners are: Michael and Holly.  I’m glad he won, but wished she didn’t.  Then it gets exciting.

There is $250K and they can choose to share it or keep it.  If they both share, they get $125K each.  If one picks share and one keep, then the keeper gets the entire $250K.  if both pick keep, then the money is split by all the people kicked off.  Holly picks share, which we knew she would. Michael can take it all by choosing to keep it, and I am really hoping he does.

In the end Michael is both a mensch and a schmuck.  He opts to share and I would have totally screwed her over.  I think a broken heart is worth $250K. I’m not sure it was worth sitting through 3 hours to get 2 minutes of excitement, but whatever.  I will watch this show again and hope that they don’t invite any of this lot back.  It needs to stay fresh.

We end the marathon train wreck with a conversation with Ben, the new bachelor.  I like him.  He is sweet, and I think will make good choices, but he is also painfully boring so I hope he works on that a bit.  Maybe if he drinks a little more of his wine he will lighten up and give us some good television.  If not, don’t worry, the new fame whore skanks will keep it real.