Bachelor Pad: Casey Sings, Melissa Implodes & Jake Makes Out With a Girl!

I love this show.  Love it.  Love.  Love this show.  Seriously. Love it.  This week was brilliant.  We start off with everyone talking about Melissa and the fact that she is insane.  This is a woman who is unstable and needs to be medicated.  She looks like a meth addict, has horrible hair, and makes me embarrassed for all women.  This chick is a whack-a doodle.

Melissa saw Blake flirting with Holly and she is pissed.  Blake is clearly a pig, in a fabulously Bentley way, but Melissa is crazy.  Michelle from last year crazy.  She needs to put away the crack pipe, eat a sandwich, and go to bed. That said, I would rather listen to Melissa cry than Kasey speak even one word.  I find his speech impediment distracting and weird.

The challenge is men against women in synchronized swimming.  Dear Lord this is good TV.  The chicks suck, but watching Erica do her part, to what is clearly private music in her head, is brilliant.  Their outfits are cute, Vienna is convinced she is the winner, and they have ruined the sport.

The men on the other hand are fabulous.  They kill it. Michael wins a rose for being the best guy, and Michelle wins for being best girl.  Chris Harrison is there and honestly, I don’t get it.  I have met Chris, interviewed him for The Jewish Journal, and think he is a nice man, but he does not fit on this show and his clothes are lame.  He is Ken, when we need GI Joe.

Jake is on a mission to get Kasey voted off and starts off trying to get Erica on his side.  She is crushing on him and was going to vote with him anyway so he is wasting his time on her.  He should have been working on getting someone new, not on a sure thing.  For reasons that I do not understand, I like Erica.  She is sweet, and dumb, and I want her to win.

Vienna is flirting with Jake and it’s creepy.  Kasey is yelling at her and saying she is being nice to Jake, Vienna starts crying and watching them fight makes me think that Ronnie and Sammi from Jersey Shore are entertaining, and they are the most boring couple on the planet.  I cannot stand these two and I wish Kasey would go home.  Vienna on her own is better.

Kasey speaks horribly to us about Vienna.  He is not even remotely appealing. Vienna is fake crying, which makes her lazy eye shift to the left. Between Kasey’s voice, and her eye, I am in love with this show.  It’s date time and Michelle is taking Graham, Blake and Kasey.  They head to a winery for some drinking, talking and a glimpse of crazy Michelle.

Michael takes Vienna, Ella, and Holly on his date.  T’s sad because he is in love with holly and she is not feeling it.  Well she tells us she is not feeling it, but leads Mike on in a weird way.  These two are sad.  By sad of course I mean she is not good enough for him. He is sweet and kind and it’s a shame he is wasting this experience by having a lingering crush on her.

Michelle is falling for Graham and tells him, which is weird because she just met him.  She is going in guns blazing in a way that only Michelle can.  She is still a loon, but next to Melissa she looks normal.  Michelle makes out with Graham, and tells us he is one of he greatest men she has ever known.  She does not know him.  Psycho.  Graham gets Michelle’s rose.

Mike’s date is horseback riding.  Everyone is loving it except for Vienna who will not top complaining bout the heat, the smell, and the smog.  Back at the house Blake is going to talk Melissa off the edge, as per Michelle’s advice. He is not into her, keeps telling us, but goes to her and gets back into it, she is so dumb and desperate she believes him and thinks he likes her.

Michael gives his rose to Holly and they have a one-on-one date.  She keeps saying things that would indicate to him that she is still in love with him, but tells us she is not.  I officially think she is a skank.  He is crying, and telling her such nice things, and it is wasted on her.  She is 28, but acts like she is 21.  Poor Mike.  He needs to get over her and move on.

Kasey is explaining how his brain works and how he is keeping the game going. He is a crazy person.  Jake is working everyone, trying to get them to vote Kasey off.  That these people have not figured out that Kasey needs to go home if hey want to win the money proves that the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise is composed of really, really, stupid people.

Jake hen speaks with Erica and it’s enough to make me vomit.  She is flirting and he is oblivious to it because he is in love with Kirk.  Jake is thanking her for her help then he goes the extra mile, in his attempt to not be eliminated and he kisses her on the cheek, which leads to them making out.  It is mortifying.  Seriously the most uncomfortably fantastic kiss ever.

He tries to touch her hair, which ends up looking awkward and I know he is doing what I often do.  He has closed his eyes, gone in for the kiss, and imagines he is kissing George Clooney.  We’ve all done it Jake.  Back with Michael and Holly, Brett Michaels has joined hem on their date.  He is wearing his signature bandana with the fake blonde hair sewn in.

I love Brett.  He gives them some free therapy, and then sings the only song he knows, Every Rose Has Its Thorn.  It is a brilliant moment of scripted unscripted television.  Holly is going to crush him again and it’s going to be very, very sad.  It’s weird to watch because the show is totally setting Michael up for heartache, which is a drag.  They are mean.

Kasey is giving Vienna a gift to reassure her he loves her and pulls out a ring box.  She gets freaked out and says she does not want an engagement ring. He is having this loving moment with her and she is a bitch.  He tells her it’s only a promise ring and she is relieved and takes it.  She is a whore and he is a moron.  I think Vienna is still in love with Jake.  Poor Kasey.

My poor Kasey moment lasted all of 3 seconds because then he started singing.  He sang a made up song, about Vienna, with his speech impediment and I wanted to scrape all the skin off my body.  I honestly would have removed my skin if it would have made him stop.  It was painful and brilliant. I must question my sanity in watching and loving this show.

Erica is working the house, trying to get people to vote out Kasey not Jake. Melissa is talking to Jake and Erica goes to eavesdrop.  I almost peed my pants because while trying to sneak up on people. Erica bends her head down, but lifts her ass in the air so you can totally see her.  Rather than crawl low, she is walking on her hands and feet with her ass up.

It is so funny. Melissa is trying to save herself and Erica is still crawling around.  Melissa is crying and being crazy.  She confronts Erica, cries, threatens to go home, and is out of control.  How did this woman pass a physiological exam to be on this show?  Perhaps the person who does the background checks needs to be evaluated?  I’m thinking yes.

Blake tells Melissa that he wants to be her partner, but no romantic connection.  He is just like Bentley, only not as cute or charming.  The only person Melissa can trust is Jake.  She goes to him and loses her marbles. She is wailing, Jake is comforting her, and doing whatever he can to keep her there so she can vote Kasey off.  Jake is a whore.

There is a final mad dash to secure votes.  The twist this week is that no girls ar going home and everyone gets one vote for a guy to go.  One guy is going home and it’s ether Jake or Kasey.  Kasey is completely convinced that Jake is going home, and Jake is hopeful that he can pull off an upset and have Kasey be the one to go home.  Desperation sets in.

There is about 15 minutes of plotting with the entire cast, which is stupid because we don’t care.  We want the Jake and Vienna show to continue and if Jake goes the show will be lame.  I’ll still watch, and by lame of course I mean fabulous, but still, I don’t want Jake to go home.  Finally we get to the rose ceremony and as expected, it’s going to be Jake or Kasey.

Jake take Kasey aside and tells him there are no hard feelings and Kasey looks like he might puke.  Kasey says he knows it’s Jake going home and Jake vows that if it’s him that goes, he is going to take others down with him. When we get down to just hem, Harrison tells us it is the closest vote in bachelor pad history.  A weak attempt at drama.  Poor Chris.

The show ends with Harrison saying the person who is safe is Kasey.  Then is just stops!  The screen goes black with no reactions shown and no sneak peek to next week.  Net week is going to be good!  I cannot wait!  The credits win with asked guy in the pool doing his synchronized swimming routine and it’s perfect.  This show is great, whether or not it keeps it real.