The Bachelorette Needs to Wash Her Hair, Floss, & Stop Talking

We are in Fiji with Ashley, which is a perfect combination of heaven and hell. Fiji is heaven on earth, and time spent with Ashley feels like I am in hell. She arrives to the resort, with her unfortunate walk, in horrible shoes, and once again, unwashed hair.  She is talking and my ears are bleeding.

She is recapping on the final three men and it’s so sad.  I think the powers that be at The Bachelorette are actually on a mission to humiliate this girl. She sounds dumb and looks ridiculous.  The thing is, she was managing that all by herself, but add in their editing and it’s mortifying.

If you take out all the recapping on this show it’s about 40 minutes of new television, and it simply does not work anymore.  It’s hugely popular, and we all watch, but it’s now a comedy, not a show about finding love.  This show has run it’s course but the money whores at ABC will keep it going.

She has Ben, Constantine and JP.  I don’t think Ben or JP are into her, but JP is so determined to heal his broken heart, he is not paying attention to the fact that he has nothing common with this silly woman. Then, because Mike Fleiss thinks we are dumb, he brings back Ryan.

Ryan is trying to be the next Bachelor and if I were not vomiting over the side of my couch, I would actually feel bad for him. Ryan is a dufus and he needs to move on.  He needs to find a woman who loves and appreciates water heaters, and realize he is not the Bachelor.

Ashley is looking at him and her facial expression is perfect.  Sitting there, listening to Ryan, is clearly painful for her.  I have been trying to figure out who Ashley reminds me of for weeks and tonight it finally came to me.  She is just like Patrick from SpongeBob Square Pants.

Date one is with Ben.  He is very sweet but his mind works in slow motion and it’s rough to listen to him.  I find myself screaming at him to talk faster and get it over with already.  He’s just way too slow.  The good news is being with him means free wine.  Lots and lots of free wine.

Ben is talking about the journey being about his break through.  He is happy to have recovered from the loss of his dad, but come on, he is not that into her.  He is just happy to be breathing again.  He’s never going to marry her.  Ever.  In fact, none of them are ever going to marry her.

Ashley says her life with Ben would be exciting and never have a dull moment.  Is she high?  He could not be more relaxed and unexciting.  Ashley is so dumb.  I honestly don’t think I can watch the whole show tonight. Truly. Don’t make me.  Let the TV fall and shatter right now.

Ben and Ashley are having dinner and he could not look better.  I can’t wait to hear about his new girlfriend and how happy he is.  He is talking, she is smacking her lips and keeps scratching her head, over her food, and I want to smack her.  Dear Lord make this stop.

Has she washed her hair once since she got there?  Does she need to talk with her mouth full?  Must she pick her teeth with her tongue?  Must she look at him with glazed over eyes because her head is empty of all thought? Stop scratching Ashley.  You are disgusting.

In talking to Ben we see her insecurities are still through the roof.  She does not seem to care who she picks, she just wants to make sure whoever she picks says yes.  She wants to be with someone, but it does not matter which one.  I feel bad for this stupid and insecure child.

Time for her date with Constantine and her outfit is so ugly that I’m laughing.  He could care less about her, and as I predicted weeks ago, he is going to dump her.  He is so smart however, that he is allowing himself to spend a few days in Fiji,  and will then dump her at the last second.

Ryan has been waiting for Ashley to come back and now they show him on the beach, looking up at the helicopter she is in with Constantine.  Ryan is pathetic and is embarrassing himself.  He went from the cool environmentalist to a pathetic loser in a matter of weeks.

Constantine and Ashley are diving off a cliff in a waterfall, and her deformity is brutally obvious.  She looks distorted and I find myself feeling sorry for her.  Not enough to cut her some slack and be a nicer and kinder blogger, but enough to stop laughing long enough to poor some more wine.

They are at dinner and Ashley toasts to them having more time together. She tells him she wants to get to a better place with him, and then he tells her that he’s not into her.  He is a touchy feely guy, just not feeling it with her.  He dumps her and it’s fabulous.  Bye-Bye Constantine.

Constantine dumps her and the look of relief on his face is palpable.  She has a new habit and cannot seem to keep her tongue in the mouth.  She keeps licking her lips and sticking her tongue out, and it’s distracting.  The quirks of this chick are putting me over the edge.  Nightmare.

Ashley is whining again about how she could end up alone and it’s sad.  By sad of course I mean hilarious.  Of course she is going to end up alone.  This show has not worked since Trista and Ryan, so why would it work now, for someone who is so annoying and has no personal hygiene?

It’s time for Ashley to wobble over to Ryan and let him down.  She keeps calling him “Ry” which is giving me a headache.  He feels hopeful she is going to give him a chance, but she dumps him.  Poor Ryan.  She should have picked him because he’s the only one who really liked her.

She is making crap up, talking out her ass, and has a look that clearly shows us that she does not understand what she is saying.  How can a person be so dumb?  I don’t think I could manage to get through life if I had to do it as dumb and insecure as she is.  Poor thing.  Ryan is out.  Again.

It’s JP time.  She is fake laughing and he is lovely.  He’s into being in love and it’s a shame he is wasting his awesomeness on her.  She picks him, he proposes, and by the time we get to after the final rose, they will be broken up.  He will move on and be married quickly.

Why does Ashley keep saying “whoa”? She is being insecure, but realizes JP loves her the most, and is her best bet. JP is so sweet, he had the coolest mom, and I want him to be happy.  If it’s her, then Mazel Tov.  Dumb and Dumber can live happily ever after.

She is telling him that Constantine left and she says it’s because they decided together it was not a match.  Really?  He dumped your bony ass Ashley and you practically begged him to stay.  She had an opportunity to be real and chose to be a liar.  Not cute.  Poor JP.  RUN!

She is sucking the joy out of the night with her insecurity and can’t stop talking and being a pest.  She needs to get some serious therapy.  She is a train wreck.  They go to the overnight suite and she changes into something sexy, which is a man’s shirt.  Really?

I happen to think the outfit is sexy as hell on the right woman, but for a chick that has a man’s body, it was not the best choice.  When she came out, he looks at her sheepishly and it was almost sweet until his eyes shifted slightly and it was more of a “Really? That’s your sexy outfit?”

Chris Harrison is there, which is insane.  She gushes about Ben and JP and whomever she picks is at home and getting pissed off.  She likes Ben more than JP, but knows JP likes her more than Ben, so she will pick him even though he’s not the right one, because she is insecure.

Two guys left and she still does a rose ceremony, which is a time filler. Harrison looks constipated, Ashley is talking gibberish and I want to scream.  This show is painful and I pray I can make it to the finale without having to check into rehab.  This show sucks and nobody on it, is keeping it real.