Princesses of Long Island RECAP – Help Me!

Tonight’s typos are sponsored by Merlot and Patron.

This show puts me over the edge.  It is horrible.  The girls are horrible, the voices are horrible, the clothes are horrible, the stereotypes are horrible, all of it.  I honestly cannot believe it is on, or that I am watching.  That said, as long as it is on I will write about it to let people know is it total crap. They are humiliating themselves, and embarrassing to my faith.

From the moment they start with a Jewish proverb I get a sharp pain in my lower back.  We start with Amanda and her sister Ashley, who appears to be missing some brain function.  They stop to look at engagement rings and their whining voices make my head hurt.  I am going to have to take a shot of tequila or I will never make it trough. I need them to stop talking.

Amanda and Ashley are harmless, but dear Lord, could they be any dumber? The answer is no.  Ashley tells Amanda that mother Babs is not going to approve a wedding and Amanda says she will do it without her mom.  Ugh. Babs is a hot mess and if I was like that with my kid I would want someone to tell me.  So, Babs, as one mother to another, you are a crazy person.

Over at Ashlee’s, her father is enabling her while she waits for Erica to come over.  Ashlee tells Erica she did not appreciate the crap she said to Joey, Erica denies it, we see the footage proving she said it, and it is insane. How old are these women?  Erica lies out her ass about Joey. Ashlee then tells Erica she needs to not be friends with Joey, who is bad.

Sidebar:  You have got to follow these women on Twitter.  They retweet every single tweet that is about them.  They beg people to watch, ask them to tell Bravo to give them another season, and spread love and light to all. They are pathetic.  Casey gets mad when I call her stupid, so instead I will say that she is simple.  She is also devoid of any personality.

Babs is having Jeff’s family over for dinner. Babs calls Triple Sec, Triple Set, and we see the apple does not fall far from the tree.  Amanda is stressed out over it because she knows her mom is not into it.  Jeff and his family arrive, they throw around some Judaism, and everyone sits down for a dinner with uncomfortable and inappropriate conversation.

Jeff's dad is talking about a medical exam, Ashley wants to know if his ass was checked, and I am doing another shot of Patron.  Jeff declares his love for Amanda and that he is in for the long haul.  Babs is not into it, and Jeff’s mother is mortified by Babs not being into it. Jeff’s parents say all the right things while Babs craps all over it.  It is sad and awkward.

Jeff is annoyed, Amanda is standing by her man, Babs is digging her grave. It is a horrible dinner and I am pulling for Jeff to ask Amanda to marry her so she can get the hell out of that house.  Cut to Casey, she is having drinks with a friend from the city.  I just can’t.  Casey makes no sense and I just don’t get her.  She is annoying beyond measure and I have hit mute.

Erica, Chanel, Amanda, Ashlee, and Joey are going to a vineyard for drinks, then a boat ride with Erica’s dad.  They are freaking out over a bee and I am amazed these women are as old as they are.  Joey arrives, Erica ignores her, Joey ignores her back, and the high school shenanigans begin.  They split into two cars so Joey can bitch about Ashlee and visa versa.

Chanel thinks the E on the dash is for empty, when it is for east.  Joey wants truckers to blow their horns at them, and Erica is making sure she has birth control, which is funny considering her boyfriend is not there.  They arrive to the vineyard and it is going to go down.  If I had been at the same place and those voices came in, I would demand my money back.

The wine guy cheers them with a “chin chin” and they respond with “ching ching”.  Hilarious.  They are all wearing stupid shoes and Ashlee is scared to walk up a flight of stairs because she is afraid of heights. Joey is picking at Ashlee, and Ashlee is about to call her dad at any second.  Chanel thinks Ashlee is stressed about Joey.  Translation: Ashlee is emotionally stunted.

They are at lunch making fools of themselves and the wine guy is clearly pissed off he agreed to have them come and shoot there. Erica is peeing in the trees, and on herself, while asking Joey why she is fighting with Ashlee. Erica wants things settled before they get on the boat.  She then makes it worse by asking Joey and Ashlee to talk things out and fix it.

Joey is a bitch, Ashlee is offended, and the fight is on.  Joey is a mean bitch, and Ashlee is 12.  No good can come of this.  Ashlee calls Joey a bad person, again.  Joey is screaming, Amanda is trying to help, Chanel is trying to help, Ashlee wants everyone to pick sides, and Erica is admiring what she has started.  We have been waiting for this moment all season!

They are now all screaming their heads off and everyone is fighting.  It comes out that Erica was lying about Joey. Busted. Erica tells Ashlee she did not lie, and Ashlee lets Erica know she killed her.  I am laughing my ass off. Whoo Hoo!  These women are HORRIBLE!  Ashlee uses an analogy where they are all dogs, including herself.  Erica turns to booze to feel better.

Ashlee makes a point of going to Joey and telling her, “Your mom was right about you.”  What is that?  Ashlee gets on the phone, hysterical, and then we get what we have been waiting for.  “M O M M Y . H E L P . M E.” I know it is a horrible situation, but boy oh boy is it good.  They are imploding and I am thrilled.  Maybe this will be enough to get this show cancelled.

Ashlee’s dad tells her to get a car service and come home.  Ashlee says she needs to take a private jet.  Oh. My. God.  I cannot stop laughing at these losers.  Chanel goes to find Ashlee while the others are still fighting about who is to blame.  Chanel then calls Casey.  How is Casey going to help?  Ashlee knocks Joey's looks, which is what started this whole mess.

Erica is crying to Rob about disappointing her father, who is waiting for them. Everyone is talking about how everyone else is not a good friend.  They are all 14 year old girls.  There are now two teams, Chanel, Ashlee and Casey, against Amanda, Erica and Bethenny.  I mean Joey.  Everyone is storming off and I am going to have another shot.  That makes 3. Yes 3.

Chanel follows Ashlee out and turns to make sure the camera is following too.  Hilarious.  The three musketeers are leaving to go to the boat, and leave Chanel to deal with Ashlee.  Ashlee vanishes, abandoning Chanel when she was the only one willing to stand by her.  It has been an hour and I am not only drunk, but I am exhausted by all the fighting and stupidity.

Next week is the season finale and God willing, it will also be the series finale.  Ashlee is in the hospital, Chanel is sad to have the wedding over and everything not about her, Amanda and Jeff will get engaged.  I will blog next week and I truly hope it is the last time.  These women do not belong on television.   No matter how much I drink, I am still keeping it real.