Princesses Recap – DO NOT RENEW THIS SHOW

Tonight’s typos are generously sponsored by Grey Goose. I cannot stand this show and only blog it to tell people exactly how horrible it is.  I tried. Truly I did.  I even interviewed Chanel and wrote about how fabulous she is, which I still believe, but even she is on my last nerve.  These women are emotionally and mentally stunted.  Don’t even get me started on the Jewish stereotypes.  These chicks are caricatures of what is means to be Jewish and if Chanel were Modern Orthodox she would not be wearing what she does. I am on drink number two, so here we go.

We start at Ashlee’s house.  She is having a sleepover because she is scared to be home alone while her parents are away.  She is 30.  Her phone rings and she tells it to hold on.  Dear Lord.  She is preparing a cheese tray and is separating the cheese types because poor people mix things, and she is not poor.  I’d rather be poor than rich if rich meant I had to be this dumb.  Chanel arrives, and they cannot open the wine.  They are seriously so very dumb.  Bless them.  Amanda arrives and her pajamas are more suited for porn.

Ashlee immediately jumps on Amanda for talking smack about her to Joey. They are drinking, gossiping, whining, and acting like they are in high school.  They have the mentality of middle school kids, and I want to cut myself and slowly bleed to death.  How are these women on television?  What is interesting here?  They are embarrassing themselves. They are crude, rude, stupid, and pathetic.  Casey took offense to me calling them stupid on Twitter but come on.  Regardless of whether or not these women are educated, the fact is that they are all stupid.

Ashlee is a virgin.  That news is the first thing on this show that makes sense.  She also smiles while she is sleeping.  Probably because she is touching herself, but she would never admit that.  Cut to Joey, she is 29 and living at home with her Dad and his 2nd wife.  Important to note that they live in a gorgeous house, not the place Ashlee picked her up at earlier in the season.  Bravo is full of shit.  Joey is talking to her dad about her business but he is not interested.  He wants her out of his house.  Her dad is clearly frustrated with her, but also a bit of an asshole.

Cut to Erica’s house, she is having dinner with her parents and Rob. Poor Rob. Her parents make me sick.  They constantly mock Judaism and I want to smack them.  They are rude and ignorant.  Erica says she loves Rob because he is what she is supposed to be in love with him, not because she is. She is a slut, we all know it, and if Rob does not know, he is a moron.  Rob says he wants to get engaged but Erica is not into it.  She just wants to play house, sleep with the pool boy, and the gardener.  I don’t get this chick and find it annoying she is on television at all.

Chanel is at home and Casey comes to visit.  I thought Casey never came to Long Island?  I am sick of hearing Chanel talk about her sister’s wedding. Chanel practices her speech for the wedding, Casey gives her advice. Chanel turns it all back to her.  Chanel is incapable of saying something nice about the wedding, without talking about herself and the pressure of her community.  Here’s the thing, nobody cares about Chanel as much as Chanel does. She is not married because she does not want to be married yet.  She is obsessed with what others think.

Amanda is on a double date with Jeff, Ashlee, and Marcos, who she is setting Ashlee up with.  I cannot watch Amanda and Jeff fall all over each other.  Their voices make my ears bleed.   Marcos arrives and he is a pig. He puts his hand on Amanda’s ass and I immediately think he is a freak. Why do all these people talk with their mouths full and chew with their mouths open?  They have ordered food and drinks before Ashlee arrives, which I think is rude.  Ashlee is into Marcos. He got his pilots license the same year she was born. This date is creepy.

Chanel tries on her dress for the wedding for her mother and I am bored. Like her mother has not seen the dress? It is a scripted moment of ridiculousness so she can look stupid in her dress and cry about how she is not getting married.  Every time Chanel talks about the wedding she changes the number of guests attending. Chanel is making her sister’s wedding all about her.  I am going to walk away and make myself another drink.  That will be drink number four.  Whoever decided to put Princesses on right after RHONJ clearly has no regard for my liver.  Bastards.

Marcos goes to the bathroom, Ashlee says he is perfect, he returns with flowers he stole off the bar, and they are off to a club.  It is senior night!  Amanda is mortified, Jeff is sweet, and Ashlee is disgusted. Marcos is aggressive, flirting with everyone there, and drunk.  He is a lot bigger than Ashlee and is tossing her around.  Not cute.  Ashlee bails. Joey takes Amanda to try her lip gloss thing and I just can’t. These chicks are not meant to be on TV.  They are not interesting, bring nothing to the table, and make me want to impale myself.

Joey is looking at apartments and takes Amanda with her.  She is desperate, Amanda feels for her, and all I can think about is that Joey is just like Bethenny.  Not cute.  They look at small apartments, then trash them both. The realtor is useless, and I am bored. Joey calls her dad, who is a douche and hangs up on her. We are clearly not seeing everything in terms of her relationship with her dad, but who cares? He appears to not like her, she does not like him, and I don’t know why she would want to show her dad on television like this.

He has given her 90 days to move out and support herself.  Joey says her dad does not help her.  Really?  He has let you live FOR FREE at his home for over two years, and you are ALMOST 30.  GROW UP.  Enough about that, it is wedding time.  They are all the best of friends, but only Ashlee and Casey are invited to the wedding.  The wedding has gone from 300, to 400, to now 500 guests.  Chanel is getting her hair and makeup done and again making it all about her and the judgment she feels, not her sister. Chanel needs to get a grip.  

Casey has not been to temple in 16 years and I am once again reminded by how offended I am as a Jew by this show.  The wedding is beautiful, done in Hebrew with Israeli music, and it is lovely.  I sang along and cried.  It is the vodka so don’t judge me.  Chanel tries to have a Pippa Middleton moment but doesn’t quite get there.  She is crying again, talking about having hope she will meet someone. I want to sit this young woman down and have a chat.  Ashlee lets us know she has also not given up hope that she will find love. No hope from Casey.

Chanel is giving her speech and nobody is listening, including her sister.  She perseveres, and reads it. They show Ashley and her husband listening, but I am certain it was an edit and she did not hear Chanel’s speech at all. Chanel is dancing and I’m done. It’s a great wedding, Casey feels sorry for Chanel, and Chanel is moving on to “become the woman she is meant to be.” Chanel’s wedding ends and then it happens. We see that next week will be the “help me” show. I cannot wait.  It’s the only reason I’ve been watching. Next week we keep it real!