Real Housewives of New Jersey – Dark & Dirty

* Typos brought to you by Merlot.

I love this show and it is still my favorite of the Housewives franchise. But it is so old and tired that I find it difficult to watch.  Teresa is the only interesting one, and Jac needs to be fired.  For real.  She brings NOTHING to this show, uses her child as a storyline, and is making it very difficult to watch.  We start this week with Jac’s whining voice at Kathy’s new kitchen.

Caroline, Jac and Rosie are all there to see the new kitchen, which is lame. Why would they care?  Because they are scripted to care. Rosie is telling them about her meeting with Teresa, and is accurate in her recounting of their meeting.  Rosie tells them all about the retreat and invites them to go to with Teresa and Joe to try and fix their fractured family.

Caroline does not want to go, Jac says she is not interested, but that is only because she has not realized it will result in camera time.  Jac is a moron. Cut to Teresa’s, where her parents are coming over to make sausages. Everyone has on an apron but Gia hates it. Juicy asks why, Tre says it is because she is going through puberty, and Milania says Gia is having a baby.

For the love of God, give this woman and her kids their own show already. Milania Giudice is the funniest person on television.  For real.  Teresa’s parents arrive and it is sad to see her dad, knowing how sick he has been, but also lovely to see him, knowing how sick he has been.  Teresa loves her parents and her brother, but she needs to get out of her own way.

In her one-on-one interviews she manages to always throw a jab, which I get, but she is preaching to the choir.  We see what is happening,  and her constantly pointing it out makes her look bad, and she is not the bad one. Cut to Joe, he is with Richie, who is the most revolting man on TV.  He is a pig and Bravo should ban him from Twitter for being an ass.

Teresa calls Joe to invite him to the retreat to build trust.  He takes the call, makes a cute joke about him wanting money for his dry cleaning, and tells her he will talk to his whore/wife, and see what her thoughts are.  Joe tells Rich about it and instead of Rich supporting his friend, he is a complete dumbass.  Joe wants to go because he loves her and wants to try.

I love Joe for wanting to go.  I love Joe, and every time he has not come across well it is because of Melissa, not him.  Back at Teresa’s she is telling Juicy about her meeting with Rosie and her desire to go on the retreat. Sidebar:  The editing of this show sucks.  It is obviously not in any order that makes sense.  It pisses me off when Bravo thinks we are dumb.

Melissa is at a fake lunch with some of her “friends”.  I question these friends because these chicks clearly don’t like her and are there to be on TV as they both had their hair done.  Melissa tells them about her new book deal about her marriage.  Oh. My. God.  Who is going to read her crap fest? Melissa talks more about Teresa than the book.  Melissa is a bitch.

She implies that Teresa is mentally not well, and even though she is not a doctor, she feels comfortable diagnosing her.  Melissa is the root of all the evil on this show and hopefully Joe is starting t see it.  She is pretty, but no bang is worth ripping your family apart and he needs to put his foot down and tell his whore/wife to shut the hell up and stop ruining his family.

Teresa calls Kathy to invite her to the retreat.  Kathy says she is interested and who else should be invited.  Teresa says she wants to fix things with her family, but Kathy brings up Caroline and Jac, which is ridiculous.  This is about family.  Jac hears the conversation, grabs the phone, and screams at Teresa.  Teresa is not interested and Jac cannot control herself.

Kathy wants Jac to stop and tries to take the phone from Jac, but Jac is going on and on.  Kathy then stops trying to get the phone and it is stupid. Teresa calls Jac a stalker and it is beyond being a stalker.  Jac is mentally deficient, a horrible mother for using her children for fame and glory, and needs to be fired before she hurts herself or her family in a horrible way.

Jac is the Amanda Bynes of reality television and I am going to start fast-forwarding over any and all scenes with her. Cut to Teresa now out with her girlfriends and they are talking about Melissa.  One of the girls from Melissa’s lunch is now out for drinks with Teresa.  Oy vey.  The friends from Mel’s lunch tell Tre and her friends that Melissa had an affair.

It happened years ago, Teresa does not care, and it is lame.  Teresa is not interested in doing anything to make the situation worse, and I am on her side.  Bravo appears to be looking through the gutter for storylines, which is dirty.  It is also a waste of time.  Recast the whole show, give Teresa her own show, and call it a day.  There are more interesting women in Jersey.

Melissa and Kathy are at an exotic dance class with their husbands and I want to swallow glass.  This scene is embarrassing. Rich is hideous, Kathy is a loser, Melissa is a whore, and Joe is darling.  Enough. Cut to Albert and Caroline out for dinner.  They have absolutely nothing to say to each other and the slow build up to the end of their marriage is boring already.

Melissa is having a brunch, and has invited everyone but Teresa.  Jac has changed up her meds and apologizes to Kathy for being crazy the day before, then acts crazy again.  Everyone is talking about Teresa.  That is all they ever talk about.   Everyone agrees to go but Jac, which makes sense because she was not invited.  This show seriously pisses me off. 

Melissa is out with Jennifer the real estate agent who tried to sell her house, and is friends with Teresa, having just been with her at drinks.  She’s weird looking.   Melissa lies about anyone being interested in their house, and is unsure about Jennifer.  Jennifer tells Melissa about Jan telling them all about the affair.  Jennifer is a bitch and threw Tre under the bus.

Teresa says she did not want to hear it, and Jen did not tell Melissa that.  Jen blames Kim D. and Jan, and manages to also blame Teresa, which is the problem.  Teresa is blamed for everything.  Melissa is more pissed than shocked and does not cry, which is what someone who knew it was a lie would do.  Cut to Melissa out for dinner with Jac and Kathy.  The scripting is insane.

Melissa blames Teresa, Jac goes crazy again about Teresa, and Joe buys into the blame Teresa game. Kim D. shows up and it is stupid. I look forward to this show every week and every week I am left exhausted and disappointed. Melissa is lying, but Joe loves her, so who cares?  Kim D. is evil, Jac needs to be in a hospital, and Kathy and Rich need to call it a day and get lost.

Jennifer is now out with Teresa again and this show seems to think it is freaking Dynasty, not a reality show about chicks in Jersey.  Jen tells Teresa she is only seeing Melissa to get her house listing, but she already said the house is a pit, so she’s lying.  Jen tells Tre she told Melissa about what Jan said, and Teresa sees that Jen is dangerous in the same way that Jac is.

I feel bad for Teresa.  She is caught up in so many lies that are all being started by women wanting to be on television and achieve the fame and fortune she has.  Reality fame screws people up, but this show is on another level.  Next week we will be at the retreat, Joe and Juicy will kick the shit out of each other, and we will cringe at their inability to keep it real.