Princesses Long Island – Oy Dear!

*Typos brought to you courtesy of Jose Cuervo. Don't judge. 

I watch this show with one eye shut and a lot of alcohol.  It is mortifying in terms of how Judaism is portrayed. I am embarrassed by these women and feel they do a grave injustice to the stereotypes of Jewish women.  They are grown ups that act like silly and ridiculous children. They also are insanely stupid as all the talk about each week is why they are not married, when the reasons are painfully to everyone who watches.

It sounds harsh I know. I have interviewed Chanel Omari and think she is one of the most wonderful young Jewish women I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know, but come on. She did an interview where she said we need to lighten up and view it as a sitcom that is funny, not real.  It’s a reality show, not funny, and she is deflecting because she knows it is silly.  She is the only smart one in the group, and she knows.

They start each show with one of the women reciting a Jewish proverb and it makes my skin crawl.  With the exception of Chanel, none of these chicks admittedly know anything about being Jewish.  Oy Dear!  We start this week with Chanel and Amanda shopping.  Amanda’s voice gives me a severe lower back pain and I really need her to stop talking. There is something charming and cute about Chanel, but near impossible to overlook her friends.

It is time for Ashlee’s birthday party and she is getting ready. Her parents give her a massive diamond ring for her birthday.  Her parents are adorable, and I love her dad. She’s 13 right? Wait, what? She’s 30?  For the love of God. This entitled and spoiled woman is a mess and her parents are doing her no favors.  They have created a monster and with each episode they air, she is about another 10 years from ever finding a man to take her on.

Everyone is arriving to the party.  I don’t get why Amanda screams when she sees people. The party looks like a singles mixer for JDate where they sold tickets to 100 women and one man, who is Jeff, which is like having another woman there.  Erica and Amanda see each other for the first time since the Hamptons and it is high school.  Casey has a pole stuck so up her ass she can hardly breathe.  Erica meanwhile is a slutty, sweaty, cheating mess.

Ashlee makes a speech, thanks her parents, and shows off her ring.  We have been hearing about the party since it started, but we saw it for only 5 minutes.  Whatever. Cut to Erica playing tennis with her boyfriend Rob, who I can only assume has dumped her whore ass by now.  She is cussing and acting like a fool, in front of young kids, and I cannot find anything to like about this girl. I would not be her friend in high school, or ever.

Erica is telling Rob he does not need to worry about her and trust her.  She would never touch anyone else, or kiss anyone else.  Except when she is drunk, which is always.  Over at Chanel’s house, her ex-boyfriend has come by for a visit.  I can’t.  He is a child, an asshole, and this scene is stupid.  I like Chanel and I just can’t.  Out of respect for her and how lovely she was on the hone, I am going to let this go. She is wasting her time.

Sidebar: Chanel goes in the house, collapses into tears and is comforted by her father Sam.  I simply must take a moment to say that Sam is yummy. Such a good looking Israeli man.  Oy Dear!  Chanel, Ashlee, Casey, and Joey are going to Jewish, singles summer camp.  Honest to God.  Enough with the Jewish already.  It is insane that they are all obsessed with Jewish men when there is noting Jewish about them.  My back is now in full spasms.

They are talking about their childhood camps, and blow jobs.  Chanel is eating a full on plate of food while driving, Joey is not into it really, Casey is a bitch.  Casey wants to know exactly how Jewish the camp is and I am wondering why this show is on television.  It needs to be cancelled.  These women are bad for Jews, bad for women, bad for television, and most importantly, bad for my lover back.  I am not doing shots of tequila.

Amanda and her mom Babs are doing out clubbing together.  Babs is hot mess and it is embarrassing.  We meet Amanda’s younger sister Taylor, who has the same voice and looks a little like Amy Winehouse.  I am skipping over this whole scene.  The voices are too much.  These girls are hideous and look like hookers. Meanwhile the single gals get a call that the camp is closing because of bad weather and they are told not to come after driving 3 hours.

They are now stuck in the “middle of nowhere”, which translates to not being within 30 miles of a Four Seasons.  They head into a dive bar to have a drink, and proceed to get drunk.  They talk to everyone, dance with strangers, are clearly out of luck on the Jewish man-hunting mission.  They wonder through this dive bar asking every man f they are Jewish.  Meanwhile Case prefers to drink and have fun by herself. Insert masturbation joke here.

Sidebar:  It makes me so sad to see the reactions of people who are asked if they are Jewish.  If you are not Jewish, say you are not Jewish.  Do not say fu** nom, or ask if you look Jewish.  It hurts my feelings and pisses me off because these women are making it worse. They are perpetuating stereotypes and it is hurtful.  Over to Amanda and her hooker mom, they are getting drunk with Erica who is slutting it up big time.

The next ten minutes are spent watching the single girls get hammered and be disrespected by men who are not Jewish and judging them for being Jewish, and Erica getting drunk, sweating like a hooker in church, avoiding phone calls from her boyfriend, and giving a blow job to a stranger In the bathroom.  The singles check into a motel for the night and Ashlee has once again brought her own betting because she has sheet issues.

There is a stain on the bed and it makes Ashlee vomit.  Literally.  She hurls at the sight of the stain, then almost does it again while describing it to the camera.  I am laughing, but it is at her, not with her.  The singles go to bed, while Amanda tells Erica she is out of control.  I have just wasted my time on this crap, but I will continue to write about it because people need to know that when it comes to Jews, these women are not keeping it real.