Real Housewives of New Jersey is Back in Hell
* Typos brought to your courtesy of Captain Morgan. Don't judge.
We head down the Jersey Turnpike and end up at Melissa’s house. She is a lunatic and lies so much that it is laughable. She also talks all kinds of crap in front of her kids, yet complains when Teresa does it. She is talking to Joe about Melissa visiting her Father-in-Law. Cut to Juicy and Teresa talking about the same thing. They go back and forth between the two houses, 2 minutes in, I’m exhausted.
Melissa can’t count, but we already knew she was an idiot. It is sad to watch Joe. He is facing guilt from his sister, and manipulation by his wife. Melissa is horrible and if Joe is watching this and not seeing what we all see, then he is as dumb as her. Bless him. Important to note that we only see what Bravo wants us to see, so I am blogging about the show I am shown, not their real lives, which I don’t see.
Melissa asks Joe if Teresa is bipolar, in front of her kids, then we head to Kathy’s house. I used to love Rosie, but now not so much. She is mean. Kathy is planning a birthday party for Rich and Victoria. Who cares? They are talking about Kathy visiting her uncle, which she has not done. Kathy’s mom is Teresa’s dad's sister, and they don’t speak, so I don’t know why everyone is surprised that it carried through to the next generation.
Caroline and Al are visiting Albi and Christopher, who are opening up a restaurant. Oy dear. Caroline tells us that after two years, they are still not making any money off of Blk., which is hilarious. Two years and still no profit? Maybe it is because Blk. is ass juice. These kids hustle, and this family has love, but it is hard to respect them when they are such fame whores. It is unappealing, fake, and not at all interesting.
Melissa and Joe are with the people who are publishing her book. Really? How is it that someone too dumb to read can write a book? She is writing a book about having a modern and traditional marriage. Well, how many chapters do you need to talk about how blowing your husband will make him side with you, not his family? That should take one paragraph, so what else? I am simply unable to understand how she got a book deal.
Melissa’s father died when she was 17, which is tragic. She talks about how much she loves him, and how much Joe is so much like him, then tells us her dad was a cheater and left her mother for days on end to be with other women. It is sad, but it pisses me off that she is so quick to call out Juicy by alleging he cheated, yet the father she loved so much, did not allegedly cheat, he actually did. Melissa is a train wreck and her book will be stupid.
Cut to Jacqueline, who is working out at home at home now, even though she went to Teresa’s gym last week. Her trainer is wearing a ridiculous outfit, and Jac has no interest in working out, just wants to talk about Teresa. Jac is not funny, not cute, not interesting, not pretty, not authentic, and not sane. She keeps gossiping and the trainer is just trying to get her to do something, anything, but it is not happening. Jac is a gutter pig.
Cut to Teresa who is getting a mani/pedi with her Mother-in-Law. A blatant attempt to get us to think she is better with her in-laws than Melissa, but we’ve never seen this before so it is scripted and manipulative. Whatever. Teresa talks about Melissa’s book. Mom-in-Law says Melissa dresses like a hooker. Hilarious. I sometimes watch this show and wish I was Italian. It was the same way with the Soprano’s. Rest in Peace James Gandolfini.
Cut to Kathy and she is with Richie, who is a pig. He is rude and disrespectful, as is his son. This entire family should be banned from Twitter. Kathy cannot stand her husband, yet is offended that we can’t stand him either. Back to Melissa, she is crying about her dad, yet there are no tears. So dumb. Her dad died in a car accident on a rainy night. Very sad, but gross that she is talking shit about him now. Not cool.
We are back with Caroline and a commercial for her son’s restaurant. For the love of God, why do we always have these kids shoved down our throats? Enough already. Between their wearing Blk. t-shirts, and her talking about how great they are, they are not coming off as that great. We bail on the losers and head off to Richie and Victoria’s birthday party. Victoria looks beautiful, and Richie looks hideous.
The men are pigs and embarrassing Joseph, while the cackling hens talk about Teresa. Teresa is all they ever talk about. For the love of God, move on already. Jac has had so much Botox it looks like she has had a stroke, and Caroline says she may be more on Team Teresa than Team Melissa, but I don’t trust Caroline. That said, if she is taking steps back to who she was when we met her, then good for her. I don’t get what Caroline is doing.
Kathy is complaining to Rich about Teresa and it is embarrassing. They are all drunk and to do this at the party is lame. But that is how these people roll. Rosie is belligerent and sloppy, Richie walks away from it all, and Rosie is now losing her mind. Turns out sweet Rosie is nothing but a pig, just like her brother-in-law. It is all exhausting and ultimately very sad. This family is broken and it is very hard to watch. I don’t like it.
Cut to Teresa at the gym, and she sees Joe working out. He is grunting to make his presence known, and it is so scripted that I am laughing. They have not seen each for a year and this is how Bravo puts together the big reunion? She sees him after a year and is joking and not crying? She would be crying if there was anything real about this encounter. They start fighting immediately and it is uncomfortable and strange.
Teresa blames Melissa, Joe defends Melissa, and it is ugly. Joe tells Teresa they don’t like how Tre talks in front of the kids, but Melissa does it all the time. Joe says Teresa cannot really cook, and it is gross. Joe is going to lose his family forever because of Melissa. Joe then talks smack about Juicy. Joe is repeating things that we have heard Melisa say and honestly, it is beyond sad. Shame on Bravo for creating this mess. Yes, Bravo.
I happen to think that they go out of their way to make this family look bad, so when they watch it back the truth morphs with the lies, and a perfect storm is created. We watch it and take it all in, form opinions, and before we know it we are not sure what we are watching or what is true, while Bravo runs to the bank laughing. It is a horrible exchange, and truly like two kids fighting. Joe says he shouldn’t have married Juicy. Really?
They have four beautiful children and for Joe to say that is too much. They are obsessed with each other’s spouses. There are a lot of people to blame for what is going on. Teresa, Joe, Juicy, Bravo, and Melissa. We are right back where we ended last year. It is bitter, nasty, and near impossible to recover from because just when you think you can forget, you get to watch it again. This show has gone back to hell and nobody is keeping it real.