After a week of online dating I feel I must lend a helping hand to the men who are online trying to meet a nice woman.  By men of course I mean man, because in the sea of men available online, I imagine that only one in a million is actually looking for something more than a booty call.  Do I sound bitter? Well there you go.  I am a little bitter I suppose, but bitter is the new black and I am rocking my bitterness in the form of a sense of humor.

There are lovely men online to be sure, the problem is that they are not dating, they are shopping on Amazon or looking up the NFL draft results. Online dating men are an interesting group of people. They will freely tell you you’re beautiful, share what they’d like to do to your body, divulge their phone numbers, emails, and admit that they lie about their age.  I’m guessing women dating online have their own shtick, but I’ll focus on men.

As a public service I would like to point out the top five things that men who date online should stop doing.  I’m not a dating professional, but I am a woman who dates online, and I know stuff.  I know a lot of stuff actually and I am enlightening you from a place of concern.  I want everyone to find love and someone to share their lives with.  I also want the men who engage in these particular items to stop writing me.  Seriously.  Please stop.

Important to note that these are listed in no particular order.  They are equally offensive and should be corrected as soon as possible.  There are a lot of crazy women online, but you will increase your chances of finding one that is relatively “normal”, if you refrain from these things.  I must also clarify that finding “normal” online may in fact be an urban myth. It’s all a crap shoot, but at the end of the day at least we’re trying.

1) Don’t say that The Notebook is your favorite movie because we know you are lying.  You’re favorite movie is The Godfather, and you are trying to make us think you are romantic and sensitive.  It is a great movie, one of my favorites, but it is a chick flick and your saying it is your favorite makes you creepy.

2) Don’t post selfie pictures taken in the bathroom with your shirt off and the toilet in the background.  We don’t want to see you without your shirt on in the bathroom with the flash distorting your left nipple.  If you don’t have a recent picture of yourself you may have just gotten out of prison.

3) Don’t list your age as 52 if you are really 58.  If someone is going to date a man who is 52, you’ve got a good shot that she will jump a few years to 58, but listing yourself as younger, then admitting that you did it in order to make it onto more searches, make you a liar.  Date younger women, but own your age.

4) If you live in Virginia, don’t write a woman in Los Angeles and ask her if she’d like to call you, then grab a drink in three months when you visit LA.  Translation: You are married, coming to LA on business, and rather than go to the trouble of finding a hooker, you want to line it up to save some time.

5) Do not ever mention your sexual prowess in an online profile, or your initial contact with a woman.  While we may want to someday know that you have a “healthy sexual appetite”, or that you want us to help “unleash your beast”, if you mention it too soon, or ever, we will think you are a sexual deviant.

All five of these things come directly from my first week of online dating, and I am left laughing at the men who engaged in this behavior.  Online dating is not natural, not fun, not interesting, and not a complete waste of time.  Love can be found. It can be found faster of you do not do these five things.  Even faster if you drink.  Good luck and keep the faith.