My Real RHONJ Finale Recap

I got an email today from a reader who compared my RHONJ blog to sex. She said she has been dating me all season long, we went out once a week, she listened, engaged, and got attached to my blog.  Then when the finale finally arrived, she shaved her legs, bought new lingerie, made a drink, and got into bed only to discover I had a headache.  Hilarious.

I chose to not do my regular recap on the finale because I was so disgusted. I never really thought about all of you who read each week and have been looking forward to my wrapping it all up.  It was selfish of me and I apologize.  If you went to the trouble of shaving your legs and getting dolled up, the least I can do is end with a bang, so here we go.

We start with Angelo going up to Melissa and Kathy thinking he is trying to pick them all up.  Really Kathy?  Melissa clearly knows who he is, but plays dumb.  The set up has begun.  Teresa is stressed out, Kathy is delusional, and Melissa is scrambling to come up with an out.  The fashion show starts and let’s take a minute to point out the clothes are gorgeous.

Kim addresses the group and she is a hot mess.  Take it down a notch.  By a notch of course I mean stop drinking lush.  Teresa and Melissa go to the bathroom and Teresa tries to talk to Melissa about Angelo.  She says she can’t remember who he is. and so Teresa reminds her.  In my opinion, Teresa was trying to help her, but Melissa did not get it.

Tre tells Mel that he said she was a stripper at a club he worked at. Teresa says she knows she was never a dancer.  Melissa quickly goes from saying she did not know who he was and never worked there, to yes she worked there, but only for a week, and she was a bartender.  Her story is unraveling and it would be hilarious if it was not so horrible.

Teresa tells Mel she will go up to him with her to confront him, and Melissa refuses.  Jac then says she got a text from a friend about what was going down.  We know she is lying because Jac has no friends.   In the middle of all the drama we learn Teresa does not know the word coincidence.  This chick is television gold and seriously needs her own show.

Mel gets pissed off at Tre for not defending her, and Teresa explains she is on her side.  Melissa says she is going to call Tre’s brother, which I thought was weird.  Why didn’t she say she was calling her husband? By using brother over husband she was making it all about hurting Teresa, not protecting herself.  Melissa lies and has forgotten what she lied about.

Melissa is on the phone with Tarzan and tells him someone is calling her a stripper.  Joe says it is crap and he is coming over.  Really?  He is going to drive into NYC to help her?  What about the kids?  He was sitting in a parking lot with the production truck because the whole thing was scripted by Bravo.  That’s why Angelo had a mic on.  Morons.

Kathy says she does not know what is going on and she will just play dumb. Play dumb?  Okay dumbass.  Jac is trying to be relevant, Kim is defending herself, Mel is on the phone with Joe in the production truck, and Caroline is foaming at the mouth to see the drama unfold.  Teresa is trying to stay out of it but it is too late.  She is being set up.

Kim sits down and says she knew nothing about what went down which is lame, because we know she knew. Jac is hanging on every word. Lauren is eating, Caroline is trying to figure out how to get involved, and poor Teresa is stuck in the loony bin with no back up.  The cavalry arrives in the form of Pete Guidice, then Caroline sticks her nose in.

Caroline is showing text messages to Melissa, Jac is trying to figure it out but she is learning impaired and can’t quite get it.  By learning impaired of course I mean wasted.  I seriously want one the medical gift baskets that Bravo is handing out.  This chick is high as a kite. Before she tries to sue me, let me clarify, she is “allegedly” high.

For reasons that make no sense, Mellissa and Kathy go outside to talk. Melissa is backpedaling.  She said earlier she would be dumb not to work at the bar because the money was so good, then tells Kathy she hated it and only worked a week.  It truly is fascinating that these losers think we are not listening.  They can’t erase what they already said.

Melissa is telling fish crotch Teresa is responsible for the bad things that happen to her.   Caroline and Jac are talking outside now about the set up when Joe and Richie turn up.  Melissa seems annoyed Joe came which is lame since she told him to come.  Jac puts her neck-less head into it by saying she heard things.  Of course she did, she’s delusional.

Melissa is blaming Teresa for everything and says she hopes Pete gets a beating. Teresa is trying to explain it to Joe.  Johnny is texting Angelo and Melissa is telling him no.  Of course she is.  Melissa was a stripper, we all know, she didn’t want us to know, she is deflecting it all onto Teresa, and this family is broken.  There’s no coming back.

Kim comes out to see what is going on and Joe unleashes.  He calls her a bunch of names, talks about drug use, she retaliates with more crap, and it gets ugly.  By ugly, of course I mean uglier.  Caroline is talking smack about Teresa, then Lauren chimes in.  Who the hell cares about Lauren and her opinion?  It truly is a nightmare to watch.

The big question is who cares if Melissa was a stripper?  If I had her body I would be a stripper too.  Dear Lord.  Strippers are good people.  If she was a hooker maybe I could understand all the fuss, but a stripper?  Jac is taking about the set up and telling Joe it was all Teresa.  Melissa is spinning Jac’s words and pissing off Joe.  It’s so gross.

A family is breaking in front of our eyes.  Teresa goes to Jac and asks why she blamed her.  Jac and Tre are going at it and Caroline is watching with glee.  Caroline is a bitch.  Joe sees Teresa and starts talking to her. Melissa is feeding him lines to tell Teresa shame on her.  Really?  Melissa helps Joe with the script because he can’t read.

This show is pathetic and Bravo needs to look at what they have done.  They hurt people.  We go from the fashion show to the reunion from last year. What a mess.  I’m hoping the new reunion this weekend will give us some answers, but it won’t.  The only thing that will make this madness stop is if we don’t watch and show Bravo we are keeping it real.