Married to Jonas is Horrible & I’m Hooked

I’d love to tell you that I watched this show because it is my job, but the truth is I was curious.  My curiosity quickly turned to the type of fascination that one experiences when watching a train wreck.  You want to turn away, but you just can’t.  This might be the most horrific reality show on television and I am not proud to say that I am hooked.

The show focuses on Kevin Jonas and his new wife Dani.  Kevin is annoying and Dani’s voice makes me want to swallow glass.  The two of them live together in a ridiculous mansion and I find myself actually laughing at them and their lameness.  It is only 22 minutes long but it feels like hours.  I am in hell, but can’t stop watching.  It is blogging gold.

We start with Kevin having a morning bowel movement, which makes Dani giggle.  Her laugh is like nails on a chalkboard.  She is in full make up, he wants to make out, and her dad shows up.  She scrambles to put on shoes but when we see her feet there are no shoes.  Nice editing.  The dad is adorable, but these Nick and Jessica wannabes are boring

Dad is talking about food and it’s very sweet.  He should have his own show, but not his kid.  Pops leaves and Dani and Kevin are off to an event.  They are in the car and Kevin is eating what he thinks is the best sandwich ever.  He is going on about how great it is and you can’t help but think it’s cute.  Then she speaks and the cuteness is killed.  So annoying.

Her voice is slow and whiny and while inappropriate, I wonder what she sounds like during sex.  Her laugh makes my ears bleed and yet I find her oddly interesting.  She is fish out of water and it’s charming.  Her family is very sweet.  She is cooking dinner for Kevin’s family and wants her family to help cook, but not stay for dinner.  Good call.

Dani is clearly intimidated by her mother-in-law, which is reality television perfection.  Cut to the Jonas Brothers in the studio and it’s hilarious.  Nick is clearly the leader of the group and Kevin is there because he’s family.  Kevin is saying he wants a lyric to be “on the edge of nowhere” and Nick is ignoring him, probably because he has heard of Lady Gaga.

Dani is freaking out about the Jonas family coming to dinner and so her whine is a little more irritating.  Her mother and sister are cooking and Kevin returns from the market.  They all attack him for getting the wrong thing and the scripting is clearly done by people who don’t consider English as their first language.  I am embarrassed for them.

Dani makes a joke about out bananas in bed and it is the type of scene that drives me to drink.  Dani is a little off.  Not sure if it’s a speech impediment, but she just comes across as a little slow.  The family arrives for dinner and so the fear and humiliation will begin.  To be clear, I thought the Jonas family is a little cultish and the show confirms it.

Dani does not know that bacon is pork and we are shown that she is really an idiot.  Dinner is served and nobody talks.  It’s creepy.  Then the dad wants to talk business.  Everyone wants to know if Kevin and Dani are going to have a baby, which will put a damper on their touring plans.  Dani is mortified that her pregnancy plans are being discussed as a family.  Creepy.

Dani wants to be involved in decisions regarding her pregnancy.  Really?  How dare she?  I feel bad for her.  She is upset, does not understand why they are all up in her business, and we are reminded she is very young and struggling to find her way in a family of opinions.  As much as this show makes me itchy, I am hooked and a train wreck is coming.

Kevin tells her it will be fine and Dani lets him know it’s up to her.  It is fun to watch her get some balls and I hope she can pull them out on occasion. This show will grate on my nerves, but at the same time it was oddly appealing.  By appealing I mean as a reality television blogger more than as a human being.  I’m in for now, and will be keeping it real.