Real Housewives of New Jersey – Oy Vey!

I love this show but it has reached the point where writing about it is more to mock them than talk about how great it is.  Everyone is predictable, many are pathetic, and some have clearly worn off their welcome and need to get the hell off of our televisions before even mocking them won’t be fun.

We begin with Melisa getting ready for her daughter’s 6th birthday party. Melissa is getting her hair and make-up done which seems a little excessive for an outdoor kid party, but Melissa is all about excess.  Teresa and her kids are getting ready for the party and Juicy is not going to join them.

Milania Guidice is hilarious to me.  I truly think she is funny and I would watch an hour of her and her sisters over this train wreck any day.  Teresa’s children are very entertaining and beautiful. In fact, they are the only entertaining children on this show and the only ones I care to see.

Lauren is out with Caroline looking at her new shop.  This is a spoiled and nasty young woman.  She is always pissed off, always complaining, and clearly becoming her mother.  Caroline and Lauren are going into business together.  Lauren has gotten her parents to bankroll her again.

Important to note her first shop tanked.  Curious that Caroline is getting 51% and Lauren 49%.  Really? If Caroline is helping her daughter get started in the world, then why is she controlling her business?  Lauren is acting like a selfish, ungrateful spoiled brat.  Wait, is that Ashley?

The store is called “Caface” and it will be like a café for your face.  They will have menus of treatments and it will look like a cafe. Really?  I believe that concept is called “Drybar”.  Caroline is stealing ideas in the hopes of getting her entitled daughter to finally start working.

Melissa’s mom and aunts are at her house and it pisses me off.  We don’t care about Melissa’s sisters and we don’t care about her mother and aunts. It shows how fractured this group is that they need to bring in these extra people to move the story along.  Assuming there is a story here.

Joe is telling Melissa and her family he is not going to therapy anymore, and Teresa is telling Juicy the therapist does not like her and it is a waste of time.  Then Melissa tells the camera about how much she wants a relationship and how she will do anything to be a family with Tre.

Sidebar:  Melissa is, in my opinion, a liar.  She says she wants to fix the family, yet does a lot behind the scenes to make sure there is no peace.  She constantly plays victim as if it’s her trying and not Teresa.  The bottom line is that if blame can be placed, place it firmly on her.

Joe and Teresa are not innocent.  Their relationship borders on creepy and they both have a unnatural dependency on each other, but they are trying and there is clearly love between the two of them.  Melissa is controlling her husband by controlling his access to his family.

It’s party time and we have to start by talking about Melissa’s outfit for a child’s birthday party.  She is in a mini dress with high heels. Seriously? Is she not going to play with her daughter?  Would jeans and flats not have been a better look?  Perhaps like what Teresa is wearing?

Teresa and the kids look great.  Tre is telling Melissa they went to therapy and she is trying to share with her.  Melissa tells her she will have Sunday dinner at her house.  Teresa says she will come and Melissa acts happy, then tells the camera she thinks Teresa is lying about all of it.

Teresa says she will bring desert and asks Melissa what her favorite desert is.  Melissa tells her she likes sprinkle cookies.  Dear Lord!  Enough with the cookies already!  Melissa proves once again that she is a fame whore, can’t let things go, and needs to get the hell off of Teresa’s show.

Joe is hanging at the party, the Wakile family arrives, and Teresa gets into the bouncy thing with her kids.  That’s what a mother does at a kids party Melissa.  Look and learn precious.  Melissa is thanking Jesus and I am starting my second glass of wine less than 20 minutes in.

Rosie is talking to Joe and Melissa about picking up chicks and it’s a drag.  Rosie is awesome but the stories about her searching for a woman and being drunk all the time are gross.  She is a nice lady who is being portrayed as an idiot.  By idiot, of course I mean just like her sister.

Teresa and Joe are talking about the trip to Napa and Joe asks about Jac. Why would he ask her as Jac was arriving at the party?  He does not care about Jac and this is classic Bravo scripting.  Sidebar:  Jac needs a breast reduction, or perhaps just a better stylist in terms of shirt selection.

There is obvious tension between Tre and Jac and it’s too bad.  By too bad of course I mean too bad Tre is so upset about it.  Jac was not a good friend to Tre, and Jac makes no sense to me.  She is not interesting, bordering on offensive, and sucks all the joy out of this show.

Kathy is throwing Tre under the bus to the camera and saying she relates to Jac.  She talks about family being important, yet tells the camera she is siding with Jac not Tre, so where is the loyalty?  Kathy is a flipper and sides with whoever gets her and her family more airtime.

We are now asked to believe Melissa is being asked to participate in a concert.  Melissa?  Who can’t sing or dance?  That Melissa is being asked to perform?  Seriously, she sucks, her song sucks, and I wonder if Bravo know how much I have to drink to watch this show.

Over at Chris and Albie’s apartment, Greg is upset Albie had a girlfriend over.  Chris is happy because it meant he could cuddle with Greg while Albie was pretending to have a girlfriend.  It’s all very sweet I suppose, but the storyline here is ridiculous and I’m embarrassed for Bravo.

Albie tells them Lindsay is staying over because she’s been sick which is lame.  It’s Greg’s birthday and they are acting like they forgot which is truly stupid.  Greg knows there will be a surprise party yet he acts like no.  I am seriously starting to hate this show.  Starting?

Gia is at an audition and it’s sad to me, but Teresa is adorable as the overbearing mom.  Gia is a great kid, but she is not keeping up with the choreography yet she gets the job.  Wonder why?  Melissa is also dancing, having met choreographer Chris Judd to ready her for the show.

Oh my, how sad that Judd felt this was a smart move.  He mentioned Michael Jackson but did he ever work with him.  Melissa is a better dancer than singer and her dancing sucks.  I’m sick of her songs being shoved down my throat. Why do these housewives think they can sing? 

After meeting a girl at a bar, and not remembering her name, she invites her to a family dinner.  When they arrive, everyone kisses the new girl and I think it’s weird.  I would understand hugging her after dinner when they got to know her a little, but welcome with kisses was awkward.

Greg is going out for drinks with Jac and Lauren and he thinks it’s just them. Really?  Why would only they take him out?  Greg knew it was a party and none of them are good enough actors to pull this off.  Albie is with his new girlfriend and she appears to have no personality.

Caroline meets the girlfriend and holds her hand like it’s a wet noodle. Caroline is a bitch who is attached to her kids in an unhealthy way.  She wants to control everything they do, even when it comes to their relationships.  Greg arrives and pretends to be surprised.

Over Kathy’s house, she makes it very clear that she is a moron and somewhat homophobic.  Rich is a pig and the entire dinner is embarrassing.  Rosie needs to get it together and stand up to Bravo so they stop humiliating her.  We love you Rosie, stop this crap.

Lauren meets the girlfriend and she is obviously jealous of her.  She then tells Chris and Greg that Caroline is sucking the joy out of her new business, and keeps playing with her fake hair in a way that makes me want to rip it off her head.  Perhaps she should just wash it.

Caroline is giving the evil eye to Lindsay and Melissa is giving her tips on how to be whore in order to trap a man into marrying you.  Melissa is an idiot, Caroline is creepy, and there appears to be no real substance to the Manzo family. Sad because they used to be my favorite.

Joe Gorga gets his inner gay on in an attempt to look like the gay friendly one in comparison to Juicy’s homophobic style.  Melissa wants them all to dance to her song and it’s freaking awesome that she needs to give it to the DJ on her iPod because he does not have it in the club.

He does not have it because it is garbage.  Lauren is bitching about Lindsay being skinny, and Melissa gets on the bar to dance with toilet paper on her shoe.  The only thing this scene proved is that the Manzo’s and their friends should not be on TV anymore, They are pathetic.

Another week in Jersey and I am once again left wondering why I watch this show.  I am not addicted to this crack, and drinking in order to get through it.  I might need an intervention.  by intervention of course I mean I will need tequila next week in order to keep it real.