The Bachelor Finale – ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

To clarify, I am annoyed.  By annoyed of course I mean totally pissed off that I once again got sucked into this show.  It is a complete and total crapfest that has nothing to do with reality, and everything to do with a bunch of losers concerned with finding 15 minutes of fame over finding love.

This season has been painful to watch, and the only way to sit through it is with the assistance of wine.  Monday nights are all about selecting a good Merlot and settling in for hours of vomit inducing television.  That’s true every year, but Ben’s season was special.

By special of course I mean that this man, who never washes his hair and talks in slow spurts, has chosen sex over substance from the beginning.  That the finale now involves our having to sit through what feels like days with his mother and sister is simply too much.  This family is a snore.

It would appear that the entire family has a genetic mutation that requires them to live their lives void of any personality.  The sister, who may or may not be related to Khloe Kardashian, talks in the same monotone voice that makes watching my nails grow seem more interesting than them.

Not even the scenery can make this freak show have any value.  Let me break it all down for you:  Ben has been in love with Courtney from the moment he saw her.  It was love at first sight and he has wanted to be with her the entire season.  Everyone else was a waste of time.

The producers have had to scramble to create a show out of nothing because it’s been Ben in love with Courtney.  He was slutty with all the others in an attempt to make us believe he is interested in them too.  We are simply too smart however, and saw through the bad editing from day one.

The entire show was about Courtney being a bitch, the other girls not liking her, Ben loving her, and no real decision to be made.  Ben was going to pick Courtney and whether she was a lying and conniving whore is irrelevant.  To be clear, she was, but it’s irrelevant to the outcome.

When Courtney came to the Women Tell All Special, it was clear he had picked her.  Why would they dedicate so much time to her making amends with the girls she made no apologies for hating, if he had not picked her?  I feel bad for Lindzi that she got dragged along for so long.

Lindzi will be fine because she is simple and will forget about this show in a minute.  She won’t forget because she is blocking out the pain, but rather because she will see a butterfly go by, focus on that, and it will be over.  She can only have one thing in her mind at a time.

I don’t mean to be harsh to sweet Lindzi but come on.  Anyone who goes on this show is clearly a moron, and someone who goes on, all the while whining about her broken heart and not clear if se will ever love again, deserves to get her ass kicked, which Lindzi did.  Or did she?

She does not come on the After the Final Rose Special as the “loser” always does, so where is she?  She is either out spending the bankroll they bought her off with, or chasing butterflies and contemplating buying a brush.  A big decision since she’s never owned one.

Listening to Ben talk to his family makes my skin itchy.  I seem to be having an allergic reaction of some kind to this slow speaking and boring group of people.  I am itchy, drinking, laughing, and trying to not puke.  With all that said, why in the hell am I watching this show?  Why God?  Why?

At minute 36 it is pretty much decided that Ben, with the support of his family, is going to ask Courtney to marry him.  Cut to Ben making out with Lindzi on their last date. Poor Lindzi.  Whatever.  Sidebar:  How does Courtney kiss with such an unfortunate overbite and lip deviation?

Important to note: the music is pathetic and the scripted crap from Ben about their relationship reaching new heights, as they circle the Matterhorn in a helicopter, is enough to make me scream.  To be clear, I am screaming right now.  Literally screaming “enough” at my television.

Watching Ben with Courtney, if are able to forget everything you know about Courtney and Ben, is really sweet.  They are a cute couple, and clearly in love.  It is indeed a special day when two people, both living without personalities or shampoo, are able to find each other.  A true miracle.

On their last night together, right before they have sex again, Courtney gives Ben a book of photos the producers gave her to give him.  She reads him a lame letter, giggles on cue, talks in baby talk, puckers her weird lips, and it’s over.  She may in fact be living with half a brain.

Sidebar:  How is it possible that I only noticed now how shiny her face is?  I also never noticed the Neanderthal shape of her forehead until now.  The lesson learned it that I have clearly been drinking too much because all the wine has caused me to miss out on some entertaining details.

It’s time for the big proposal and one cannot go on without mentioning that Lindzi is wearing a truly ugly dress.  She is in love, wants to marry him, and is certain he is picking her.  She is so boring, and appears to be a little embarrassed that she allowed herself to be bought off.

When Lindzi arrives, she goes into a speech about how she loves him, and it’s weird because he is the one who should be talking.  I guess the Producers thought Ben needed a little help with the MOST DRAMATIC FINAL ROSE IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND AND THE UNIVERSE.

Ben dumps Lindzi and she stands there with a blank stare.  They want us to think she is in shock and heartbroken, but in fact she is counting the money in her head.  They paid her to stay to the end so they could salvage a season out of nothing.  She really does not seem that upset.

Courtney arrives in an okay dress with hideous gloves.  If you are cold then wear a dress with sleeves and lose the lame gloves.  He tells her he loves her, blah, gives her a ring, blah, asks her to marry him, blah, she says yes, blah, blah, blah.  I’m done, but we still have another hour to go.

Ben is talking to Courtney and I must tell you he looks the best he’s looked.  I don’t think it’s because he washed his hair as clearly he has not, but he looks a little heavier, healthier, and just better somehow. Maybe it’s a look of relief that this ridiculous show is almost over.

Ben tells us he was not tricked or fooled and America did not get to see all the sides of Courtney.  If that is true, then America was tricked and fooled into believing he was torn between the women when really he was picking her from the get go and the season was a sham.

Ben says the stress of watching the show was too much and they broke up.  Scrutiny from press, drunk bloggers, and the audience was too hard and he needed to walk away.  In line with the ridiculousness of this season, this special is just as dumb.  Why am I watching?

Ben leaves and Courtney comes out.  To be fair, she looks beautiful and the baby voice is gone.  The world must be coming to an end because I like her at this moment, and no good can come of that.  She is not proud of how she acted in the house with the other women.

She says they were in love until the show started airing and everything about her behavior came out.  We also that after proposing to this girl, Ben dumped her and did not even send her flowers or a card for Valentine’s Day.  Immature and also a little mean.

She lost trust in him, he was unkind to her, and I am unclear why it is that I find myself liking her right now.  She was a bitch to the other girls, but it’s a game.  If we go with the don’t hate the player, hate the game theory, then The Bachelor is the game and we must all hate it.

Courtney is crying, saying she loves Ben, hopes they are together, and wants to try.  Best part is when Courtney “cries”, and apologizes for crying.  She would have been better off apologizing for crying with no tears. She is a horrible actress but I see a soap opera in her future.

Now Ben and Courtney are with Chris together, and Ben says they are engaged and together. Chris is asking why Ben bailed on her and he is apologetic, but gives no real answers.  Courtney is crying, Ben is crying, and I am sad I only had a half bottle of wine when the night started.

She says she does not trust Ben 100%, but she loves him and is choosing to be with him and try to make it work.  Whatever. They are together but not, engaged but there is no trust, giving up on each other but dedicated.  This show is lame.  They will be totally done by the end of the week.

Or maybe they will get married.  We don’t know and should not care. They show the proposal in Switzerland and both of them start to cry.  It’s really sad.  I find myself now liking Ben and feeling bad for him. This poor guy will forever be bad hair Ben and he did not plan on that.

Chris gives the ring to Ben and as mortifying as it is to tell you, I started to cry.  Ben takes the ring and gives it to Courtney and I’m crying.  They don’t kiss, just hum and haw about their future and my warm and fuzzy feeling is gone.  This show sucks and this couple deserves each other.

Just when I think it’s over, Chris introduces the “most beloved couple in Bachelor history” and it’s Ashley and JP.  Is he high?  We hated her on this show, thought he was an idiot for staying with her, and were nauseated her entire season.  Who cares about what this couple is doing?

I will never watch this show again.  By never again of course I mean until next season.  I am not listening to Ashley speak so it’s over.  The season is done, I am pissed off, and life goes on.  Thanks for reading.  It’s been a season of crap, but I am happy I was able to keep it real.