The Bachelor: Women Tell Nothing

This is my least favorite episode of every season.  I get annoyed by the constant recapping and pissed off that in a two hour show, there is only about 30 minutes of original footage, with a bunch of clips.  Then to make it even more painful, we are shown a Bachelor Whore Reunion in Las Vegas, where we are supposed to guess who the contestants will be for the third season of Bachelor Pad.

I will not be watching Bachelor Pad.  By not watching it of course I mean I will be watching it.  Damn it.  I need a reality show intervention.  I don’t remember half of the people they are showing, and the ones I do remember, I think are morons.  I have said it before and will say it again, Bachelorette Ali is the most annoying reality show contestant ever.  I cannot stand her, and she is the ultimate fame whore.

A women are with Chris and they are ridiculous.  They have watched the season and for reasons I do not understand, are still gushing over Ben. Ben is a bore, with dirty hair, who made out with all of them, slept with a whore, is a dufus and a slut.  How is it possible they are still pining over this guy?  He is either very talented in the boudoir, or these chicks are just really stupid. I’m guessing they’re stupid.

Blakeley is defending herself against all the horrible things everyone said about her.  Sidebar:  I think Blakeley has the same dentist as Hilary Duff because they both have veneers that are too big for their mouths and are reminiscent of Mr. Ed.  Blakely is fighting with Samantha who I don’t remember, and could care less about.  Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. I am now drinking my first glass of wine.

Brittney, the chick who brought her Grandma to the first night, tells us she left because she was not attracted to Ben.  Samantha is talking again, but needs to shut the hell up.  Then as if she can hear me, Brittney tells Samantha to shut up.  Love it.  Brittney was quiet and meek on the show but she’s a fireball here and I dig her.  She is pretty and tough. Samantha needs to be squashed like a bug and thrown out.

Chantal, from another season, busted into their season to try and win Ben over and the chicks hated her.  They still do. She is whining about how mean the girls were to her, but what did she expect? She got dumped on her season and needed to stay away from this one.  She tries to be sweet but in the end the chicks are not having it.  They shut her down and blame her for their being mean to her.  Chicks are brutal.

Some chick named Jaclyn, who has horrible hair and an unfortunate nose, is talking and I can’t help but wonder why she is there.  Who cares about the girls that left early?  It should have been just the last handful.  Chantal is desperate which is not a good look.  Emily is talking to Chris and she is cute.  By cute of course I mean she is highly educated, but real life dumb. She is still talking about Courtney and I’m bored.

Nicki is up and telling us she was in love with Ben. It’s weird because I never saw any chemistry between her and Ben.  She is a grown up, he is a child. She washes her hair, he does not.  She is articulate, he is a buffoon.  The only person who saw chemistry between them was her, so one must wonder exactly how much she was drinking during taping.  She’s annoying, but at the same time too good for Ben.

Kacie B. is next and she is boring.  Sweet, but to be clear, a plain piece of white toast.  She loved him and her parents screwed it up for her by telling slutty Ben there was no living together, or sleeping together, before marriage.  Once he met her family, it was never going to happen.  She is like a teenager and had no shot in hell.  Ben is looking to get lucky and that was never happening with Kacie B.  Bless her.

We see a video montage of Courtney and the girls are having a field day. They are throwing her under the bus, which I get.  Courtney is a freak.  By freak of course I mean she is a fame whore who was willing to sleep with a guy she had no interest in to become famous.  Can’t blame her really. She has no obvious talent so this was probably her one and only shot.  Courtney is a model?  Model of how to humiliate yourself.

Courtney comes out and the women are pissed.  She is pretending to be scared and sad but we all know she is laughing on the inside.  She came to play and she did her job.  She has an unfortunate overbite, a bad attitude, and a chip on her shoulder.  Right out of the gate Blakeley is on the attack and throwing Courtney under the bus.  They also point out that the skinny dipping stunt was a total slut move.

Courtney wants us to think she is mortified by her behavior and I’m not buying it.  She wants us to understand the situation was hard for her, which is lame because it was hard for everyone.  Courtney is lying, not doing a good, job, and you know some major fake crying is in our future.  I am now on glass of wine number two and am thinking how great it would be to have a dart board with Ben’s face in the bulls eye.

Courtney is making it worse for herself.  She is not articulate or endearing. She is cold, aloof, and fake.  She is crying and choking up, but there are no tears.  One eventually appears in the corner of her eye and as it streams down her face I wonder if she peed a little as she forced that tear out.  She is not genuine.  She is a liar and a slut, and we’re not buying it. She is now crying and I think it’s because she did in fact pee herself and has to get up with a stained dress.

She apologizes to the girls and Ben, then gives a subtle hint she and Ben are not together.  Whatever. The only question more important than who he picks, is why the hell do we care?  Ben then comes out to face the women and I am pouring my third glass of wine.  The pathetic women are asking him why they were dumped and I am listening and thanking God I am no longer that young and dumb.  They are silly.

They are begging him to tell them, on national television, what is wrong with them.  This show is hilarious and these girls have no self worth.  Ben is talking and I am fantasizing about washing his hair.  I am wearing gloves and using a hose.  Nicki does not understand why he dumped her.  Really?  I will tell you Nicki.  He dumped you because you had no chemistry and nothing to talk about because he is a moron with fleas.

They show some outtakes of “funny” moments and it’s an epic failure. Nothing was funny, proving that as a whole, this was the most boring cast in the history of this franchise.  It’s between Lindzi who is forgettable, and Courtney who is using him.  Next week he will decide but it does not matter because whoever it is, they are broken up by now.  This show makes me nuts, but I’m in till the end.  Annoyed, but keeping it real.