The Bachelor – Our Torture Continues

This train wreck is almost over and I cannot wait.  Two more weeks until we can say goodbye to ugly haired Ben.  All the bachelors have been disappointments, but this guy’s complete and total grossness has been epic. I am certain the ladies who were not picked are watching at home and thanking God they got cut loose by this loser.

The first 15 minutes of the two hour train wreck was spent recapping his time with the three remaining girls.  We already watched all this crap so why make us do it again?  He has Nicki, who has no shot in hell, Lindzi who is insanely boring, and Courtney who he has already slept with.  It’s hard to watch because who cares?

Switzerland is gorgeous and completely wasted on this loser and these poor women.  By poor women of course I mean Lindzi and Nicki.  Courtney is a snake so she does not count.  Sidebar:  these dates having nothing to do with real life and when they use a helicopter ride as an analogy for their love affair, I want to throw things at my TV.

Nicki uses the overnight fantasy card with Ben and it’s sad because he knows he is not going to pick her, yet he lets her get naked and touch his junk anyway.  Ben is a pig.  She is falling all over him, professing her love and dreams, and he could care less.  He is looking at her like she is saying blah, blah, blah and wondering when they can make out.

Sidebar:  how is it possible that these women look surprised when he gives them the fantasy suite card?  They all watch the show, have told us they watch the show, yet they act like they don’t know what is happening.  Ben is flattered Nicki took the card which is lame.  He is flattered because he knows his hair stinks and can’t believe he gets lucky.

Lindzi pronounces her words in a weird way, and I cannot believe that she has gone through the entire season without brushing her hair.  They are doing some extreme sport date, again, and I could care less.  I’m skipping over it so I don’t have to hear about how repelling off a ledge is the perfect analogy for their relationship.  This show sucks!

Ben and Lindzi are at dinner and she is really very sweet so I hope he does not pick her.  She deserves better.  She’s a pretty girl and can get a speech therapist to learn how to speak properly, then meet a great guy.  She takes the fantasy suite card.  Ben and his dirty hair are two for two.  How can they stand to smell his hair, let alone touch it?

Courtney and her little girl voice makes me want to cut something.  Actually, it makes me want to sneak into their room and cut their hair.  Both of them. Courtney is trying to do damage control and backtrack all of her nastiness with the other women.  She cries and tells us she feels bad, but is clearly auditioning for a soap opera gig.  Good luck with that.

She is almost likeable but has been so horrible for so long, we can’t believe her.  Had she been a nice girl we’d be pulling for her but in the end she is a fame whore, and a regular whore, and we could care less.  As for her feeling bad about how she treated the other girls, not buying it.  She was forced to say that crap by the script supervisor.

Courtney is working it, takes the fantasy card, and will sleep with Ben again. He is clearly picking her and it’s creepy.  He tells her he is falling in love with her, and she is scrambling to fix it.  She takes blame, says it’s all her, and if he is believing her then his unwashed hair is rotting into his scalp and eating away at his common sense.  Ben is really dumb.

Sidebar:  We spend time with new bachelorette Emily and I cannot stand it. She is truly beautiful, but beyond boring.  There is no sex appeal or personality with this girl.  She does some lame scenes with Ali and Ashley, who were the two most annoying bachelorettes ever, so why are they there? I am skipping over this entire pile of crap.

Kacie B. is back to beg Ben to explain why he did not pick her and it’s humiliating. She is ridiculous and I feel bad for her. She is totally embarrassing herself and I am willing her to get the hell out of there and just move on. Her voice is delayed, they have no chemistry, he could care less, and I want to help her somehow.  A truly horrible moment.

Ben is talking to Chris and I am now half a bottle in.  Chris is useless on this show, Ben’s hair is mocking me, and his fake distress is lame.  This show is out of control and these two last weeks are going to be painful.  I am skipping over the Chris and Ben recap because it’s boring.  The first rose goes to Lindzi and the second to the skank.

Nicki is sent packing and tells Ben she wants the best for him, which in Bachelorese translates to “You are a douchebag and I can’t believe I wasted my time here.  Plus, you need to wash your hair pig.”  Next week is the Women Tell All special, then we will have a winner.  We’re almost there people!  Two more weeks of these people not keeping it real.