The Bachelor Panama City Recap

I cannot get enough of this train wreck.  It truly is fascinating that we all watch this show, especially with a guy like Ben.  There is nothing appealing about him, in fact, there are many unappealing things about him.  He is not the same person we saw fall in love with Ashley so I wonder what he is really like because he appears to have a lot of different personalities.

The first date of the night is a one on one with Kacie B, which pisses off the others because they have already spent so much time together. Courtney immediately starts being a snake, but I like Kacie B.  The problem is that she is a little boring.  She is sweet and lovely but I’m guessing has no private freak number and is rather monotone is every part of life.

They are on a deserted island getting all Survivor and I think it’s funny when Kacie B goes on and on about how they are alone.  Really?  Just Ben and her and an entire film crew, along with craft services.  Kacie B is adorable but her laugh is forced.  They are both pontificating about how this date is proof they will have a successful relationship and I need wine.

They leave the island and go for a romantic dinner.  With just them, and the crew.  Kacie B is plain.  She should marry the high school football coach in a small town, have a couple of kids and get a mini van.  Watching Ben trying to get deep into conversation with her is painful.  She has been a favorite of mine from the start but I just don’t see this happening.

Back at the hotel, the girls find out there is a group date, and the dreaded two on one is going to Blakeley and Rachel.  Blakeley is thrilled and Rachel is sick to her stomach, which is odd because Blakely is the one that makes me sick to my stomach.  Speaking if sick to your stomach, back at dinner Kacie B is telling Ben she was bulimic and anorexic as a teenager.  Oy.

Talking about her eating disorder is clearly difficult and so good for her, but talk about dumping a load on a date and sucking the joy out of it.  Blech.  Ben is not that connected to her, but he gives her the rose because you can’t dump a girl after she shares a story like that.  Kacie B buys herself clear passage through the Panama Canal rose ceremony.

It’s group date time and they are going to a remote village to meet with the natives, get dressed up in their garb, and dance.  Courtney is on the group date so you know there will be a healthy dose of skank being served. The dates in Panama are really amazing, but wasted on this bunch because who cares about anyone on this season?  Nobody.

Nicki tells us they “stumbled upon” a village which has be cracking up.  They have set up an entire film set, but they stumbled upon it!  The girls get dressed by the local women and everyone keeps their bathing suit on except for Courtney McWhorerson.  Courtney goes topless and the other girls are over her, but Ben and his canoe will be thrilled.

They are all dressed, and painting each other with tattoos, so Courtney marks Ben as hers and it’s lame.  Courtney is prancing around with full frontal while the other girls look on like she is a whore.  Making it even more entertaining is that Ben is following her around like a puppy.  Ben is all about his canoe, not finding love today.  Courtney is dirty.

Lindzi and Ben have some time together and she is funny.  I like her this week and last week could have cared less about her.  In the end he digs her, she is handling it well, and it’s funny when she tells Ben that he’s her boyfriend.  Ben is making me nuts tonight. Everything he does and says is bothering me.  He is a nail on a chalkboard today.

Courtney is off with Ben and he is enamored with her.  It’s purely sexual and they have nothing to talk about.  She invites him to her room to lie down and be quiet for 15 minutes.  Translation:  I will blow you if you come over because these chicks are lame and I’m the only into being famous so much that I can be a complete whore in order to get your attention.

Jaime is talking to Ben and it’s very, very sad.  She is trying to open up to him and Courtney comes over in her bikini and starts dancing around in his view and I am rolling.  He does not hear a thing she is saying and is into Courtney.  Jamie is going home today.  No need for desperate measures. Don’t do anything stupid Jamie.  Just go home quietly.

Emily is off with Ben and she is cute.  She’s a little quirky and I dig her this week where I have not really gotten her until now.  She spent a lot of time focused on Courtney and seems to have let it go.  She’s weird, but cute. Bless her heart, she tries to make up with Courtney for being so mean to her, then Courtney eats her alive and blows off her apology.

Ben gives the one rose of the night to Lindzi which is a good move.  Courtney is sad Ben never came to her room to make out and she is crying to us and saying she is constantly disappointed by men.  She is sad that men don’t treat her well?  She acts like she is garbage so they treat her like garbage. She is lame and that she is still here is ridiculous.

Rachel and Blakeley go on their date and they are salsa dancing.  Rachel is worried and Blakeley is freakishly excited and painfully delusional.  I don’t think he is into either one of them that much so who cares?  Blakeley is throwing herself at him and Rachel is a little bland so I think I can safely skip over this date to the end because I’m bored.

As I’m skipping over the date, I see Blakeley has made a scrapbook for Ben about their journey together.  Dear Lord.  This chick is ready to boil a bunny on the stove.  She is imploding and watching it is uncomfortable.  He should have sent both home but in the end sends Blakeley and she is distraught because he was her soul mate.  Hahaha.

Blakeley tries to be a bitch and storm off, then realizes it will ruin her chances of getting asked to the Bachelor Pad so she cries and tries to be sweet.  Meanwhile, nice and quiet Rachel is a total bitch about Blakeley and needs to chill because she is going home next week.  Rachel is a piece of toast.  No jam. No butter, no cheese, just plain toast.

The producers decide to finally give Chris Harrison something to do!  He comes in and takes Kacie S. out for a chat.  He tells her that he knows she has a boyfriend back home.  Its sad because she is clearly in love with her ex and her ex has gone out of his way to screw this up for her.  She was never going to win, but to go out like this is a total drag.

It’s all really sad.  She is Paris Hilton pretty, and seems sweet.  She came to try to get over him which I get, but it was never going to happen.  She was not going to get over him and Ben was never going to pick her.  Chris tells her she needs to talk to Ben about it and takes her off to explain to Ben that she just got out of a relationship. I am sad for this girl.

It comes out that she is in love with her ex and it’s cruel to make her do this on the show.  She loved a man who didn’t love her back, went to find new love, and she is embarrassed publically for it.  She does a lovely job of explaining it to Ben and he is a complete asshole.  He is not compassionate or kind, simply tells her she should go.  Ben is a schmuck.

Kacie S is sent home in tears with Ben being a complete douche.  She is an ugly crier which adds insult to injury.  Kacie S is broken, Eli Manning is going to Disneyland, Nicki talks like a Kardashian, Chris Harrison is paid for nothing, Ben is driving me to drink, and Jamie is about to embarrass herself on a scale so epic I don’t know how she will recover.

Jamie is telling us she is shy and a prude, then mounts Ben in an attempt to be aggressive and sexy.  I want to crawl out of my own skin.  I cannot stop laughing.  She is talking in gibberish, making so sense, trying to be flirty, but being ridiculous.  The kiss is offensive, the mounting is laughable, and poor Ben is doing his best to not laugh in her face.

Ben feels nothing for this girl but still goes for the make out session. She is laughing throughout it all and then tells him that she was disappointed in her kiss which is hilarious.  Jamie is going home.  She is a hot mess.  She should just say she is not felling well and slink off into the night instead of suffering through the rose ceremony she is not winning.

Her kissing lesson almost made me vomit on myself.  Poor girl.  After her miserable attempt at sexy he says “Thanks Jaime”.  I will be laughing about this for a long time and will keep this episode just so I can watch it over and over again.  Jamie is sent home and next week we go to Belize.  It’s the last stop before hometown dates so the end is near!

I have not invested in the season because I don’t care about Ben or any of these girls.  Plus, the fact that we know Emily Maynard is the new Bachelorette and none of these castoffs have a shot, makes it boring.  I watch with hope it will happen, but when we don’t care, it just becomes comedy. So from that perspective, the show is keeping it real.