The Bachelor – Shocking!

I joke a lot about needing to have a glass of wine to be able to sit through these reality shows, and for the most part that is true.  A nice glass of red makes the show more enjoyable.  The problem is that with every uncomfortable moment, I tend to sip which means I am sloshed by the end. For The Bachelor, the best worst show on television, I have now moved on to margaritas because wine is just not cutting it.  These chicks are crazy.

I have gone back and forth on Ben, but in the end I just can’t get into him. His hair is horrible, his delayed speech is annoying, and the shots of him in deep thought about the women makes me want to scream.  By scream of course I mean sip, so after only five minutes in, it’s going to be a long night. Chris is there to explain nothing and I am surprised every week and every year that this man still has this job.  He really is not needed.

Nicki gets the first one on one date, which is odd because they don’t have chemistry, plus he is not going to pick the divorced girl.  Courtney is the bitch/whore of this season and it’s getting a little boring already.  She keeps trying to be confrontational so her 15 minutes can extend, but she’s just not that interesting, not that pretty, makes weird shapes with her mouth, and always has wine so clearly she needs to sip just to listen to herself.

Nicki is very sweet but annoying.  She has a little whine to her voice and her yellow nail polish is hideous.  They are walking around and it starts to pour rain.  In the downpour, with Ben in flip flops and her in high wedges, he grabs her hand and runs through the street.  I am not ashamed to say that part of me was hoping they would slip and fall.  It would have been sad certainly, but gold in terms of reality television.

She takes her shoes off and starts to walk around barefoot on the streets. Not appealing to me.  They go into a shop and buy new outfits, then when walking around he starts to give her the history of the buildings and it’s so dumb.  Like he knew anything about the building.  This show gives me a headache and each week I wonder why I am watching it, then I sip my margarita and it all becomes very clear.  I watch to drink.

The producers find a wedding on the town calendar, then make him give the on-on-one to the only divorced girl there, then make her sit outside the wedding and remember that it was once her and maybe can be again.  It’s all so fake and calculated but somehow it works.  By works of course I mean this show does not work.  Love will not be found and part of the enjoyment is knowing that. We are told that Emily Maynard is the new Bachelorette.

I really like Emily and think she will be a great Bachelorette, but I’m not sure how well she will translate to being the star.  She is clearly the most beautiful woman ever to be on this show, but she is guarded and moves painfully slow, so it might just be boring.  Watching 25 men scramble and stumble around will be fun, but I’m not seeing it work for her either.  I wonder what her kid thinks about it and how involved she’ll be.

I’m not really listening to the divorce conversation because I don’t really care.  Back at the house everyone is going on a group date, except for Elyse who is getting the one-on-one.  Blakeley is complaining, Courtney is complaining, and between these two I want to throw stuff at my television. Nicki is begging for a chance and it’s gross.  She’s divorced, we don’t care, they have absolutely no chemistry but she gets a rose.

The group date is a baseball game.  The ladies will be split into two teams and play against each other.  Some are really good, some are hilarious.  The best part is when they put on the black stuff under their eyes, and some of them have it on at the most ridiculous angle.  It’s not make-up little girls, and you look lame. Lindzi gets chosen to play on both teams, therefore securing her a spot on the group date.  Let the game begin.

In the interest of full disclosure, I was folding laundry during the entire baseball game.  I was in and out of the room putting stuff away and so if something interesting happened I might have missed it.  Wait a minute, I am watching The Bachelor right?  Okay, nothing interesting happened. We’re still on track.  Is it just me or did the game, which was only 3 innings, feel like it took an hour?  The girls are talking like it’s the Olympics.

Four girls are sent back to the house and the other 5 go on a group beach dinner.  Blakely is crying and sad to not spend time with Ben.  She’s creepy and her boobs are freakishly disproportionate to the size of her body. Jennifer is crying, again.  Half take off in a helicopter while the rest leave is a broken down bus.  I love it when the girls cry as if Ben is the love of their lives.  Really?  I would never let my daughter go on this show.

Ben tells Kacie B that the problem with his last relationships ended because he loved them and they didn’t love him back.  It’s because of your hair Ben. It’s dirty and chicks can’t get past it.  Back at the house there is a lot of whining and complaining about Courtney.  On the date Courtney is the one complaining, certain that none of the girls are right for him.  Ben gives the single rose for the group date to Kacie B.

Courtney takes Ben off for a walk and she keeps saying “like”.  Never noticed it before but it’s annoying now.  She makes out with him and says she wants to go skinny dipping with him.  She is plotting, and by plotting of course I mean trying to figure out how much of a whore she wants to be, therefore sealing her fate as the skankiest contestant to ever be on the Bachelor.  If you watch this show you know how really skanky that makes her.

Elyse is going on her date with Ben and I could care less.  Who is this girl? She is pretty, but a little boring and the fact that we have not seen that much of her tells us she is going home.  Elyse is off to a day on a yacht. Within a few minutes she puts the nails in her coffin.  She tells Ben she has accomplished all she wanted in her life.  She was being secure, he took it literally, and it was all over for Elyse.  Bye Sweetie.

Elyse, who had one date with Ben, is crying and asking him what she did wrong.  It’s so sad.  It’s upsetting to watch these young girls fall apart as if they did something wrong, or didn’t deserve love.  These girls need a kick in the ass and some self respect and dignity.  I get that love hurts but this is not love.  It’s the Bachelor.  Off topic, every single girl on this show is wearing a hideous nail polish color.  Seriously ugly.

In a show of horrible editing, Nicki had her date two days earlier, and gets caught in the rain, yet her commenting on the departure of Elyse is done on the same day as her date was she is in the same dress and her hair is not done, as if caught in the rain..  This show is shot in 5 minutes and I get it’s fake, but the editors need to pay closer attention.  We are watching, we are drunk, and we see things we would not see sober.

Courtney sneaks off to Ben’s room and invites him to the beach for some wine and skinny dipping.  They get down to the beach, she strips completely naked, as does Ben, and they are in the water.  Who does this?  In front of the camera?  Why would he want to be with a girl like this?  Why is Courtney still saying “winning”?  Why am I watching this show?  Why am I out of ice? Why is this dragged out to two hours each week?

Ben is feeling crappy about his intimate moment with Courtney.  Too late Ben.  We think you are a pig so feeling bad about it does not change that. You are a whore just like Courtney.  Jennifer is gushing and telling him how much she likes him.  Blakeley fake cries and tells him how she finally thinks she deserves love.  Dear Lord.  This chick is a hot mess and her teeth are too big. Ship her off to The Bachelor Pad.

The girls are all talking about skinny dipping and you know Courtney wants to spill the beans. She says it’s more fun when you do it with someone you care about so I’m wondering how many men she has done it with that you knows it’s better if you dig them.  Courtney is a skank.  Meanwhile poor Emily is talking with Ben and once again talking about Courtney after she tells him she is not focused on Courtney.  Please make it stop.

Ben shuts her up and tells her to move on.  She cries and is convinced he hates her.  Who is raising these girls to have no faith in themselves?  Is love, or the hope for love, so powerful that it makes us think we are unworthy of having it?  Yes.  Yes it is.  I feel bad for Emily because she is sweet, just really dumb.  I hope Ben is watching and realizes she was looking out for him and Courtney is a pig.

It’s the final rose ceremony and I am certain he is sending Emily home, but in the end he sends Jennifer!  The best kisser in the house! I figured she’d be in the final four so I was surprised.  I don’t get the cut when there are women he has no connection with still there, but whatever.  There is no point in trying to figure this show out because it has no point.  Next week could see the end of Courtney so I will be here, keeping it real.