The Bachelor RECAP

We start this week in San Francisco, which is important because this is where Ben lives.  He meets with his sister for a coffee and she is really quite pretty.  He tells her she would really like Courtney, which is interesting because if she did, she would be the only one, because Courtney is a troll.

The girls arrive and Chris Harrison is there to tell them about what will happen.  That this guy is here is insane to me.  He is charming to be sure, and I have interviewed him and totally crushed on him, but his role on this show is now embarrassing and he needs to move on, as he is useless here.

The first SF one-on-one date goes to Emily.  She is cute but nervous and she is worried about her date and asks the camera if the date will make her pee her pants.  Nice memory of her caught on film.  Courtney is projecting their date will be boring because book smart girls are boring.

Sidebar:  I think Courtney is a moron.  She is clearly not educated, or even interesting.  She has a weird mouth and makes odd shapes with it.  Her forehead protrudes over her face too far and that Ben thinks she is the most beautiful girl there proves that he may also be a bit of a moron.

Emily is very pretty and a PHD student.  She is scared of heights so it makes sense that they are going to climb the Bay Bridge together.  Really?  Not even if George Clooney begged me would I be able to do this date.  She feels sick to her stomach and wants to die, yet she is going to do it.

Ben thinks if they can climb the bridge together there is nothing they will not be able to do together. How is putting your life at risk for a television show, and someone you have known for five minutes, going to prove anything other than the fact that you are desperate and pathetic?

Emily is losing her mind, does not want to finish and Ben tells her, “Talk to me Goose”, which I think is the greatest line ever on the Bachelor.  Bravo Ben.  It was brilliant.  Back at the hotel, the girls find them with the telescope.  Such an organic and unscripted moment.  The Bachelor sucks.

She is freaking out so Ben kisses her and we are supposed to believe it propels her forward and she is fine with the height.  She was never scared if you ask me.  She did not even cry and she is hundreds of feet above the ocean hanging on with a rope and no tears?

Important to note that even though I write a rather sarcastic recap of this show, and mention often that it is crap and I hate it, I truly love it and watch with the hope that it will work, and the knowledge that it won’t.  I love the idea of this show just enough to tune in each week.

Emily tells Ben she tried online dating and was matched with her brother. Hilarious.  She does not clarify however if she went out with him or not. She tells us she is most scared of rejection and heights.  Right.  She faked her fear of heights and was not rejected by her own brother. Winning!

Ben likes Emily and he gives her a rose on their date.  He says such lovely things to the women and it’s all so scripted and marvelous that you can’t help but love Ben.  He needs to cut his hair, but he is quite charming and I find myself liking him very much.  Emily is cute, even if a faker.

The other girls are in the hotel watching their private fireworks show and it’s hilarious.  These girls are embarrassing themselves at ever turn.  Then, when you think it cannot get any more humiliating for them, they are going to ski in their bikinis.

The girls do not know how to ski, are flailing all over the place, half naked, being watched like they are crazy, and I am unable to figure out what would make a women think this is how to get a man?  It’s silly, not attractive, and one of the lamest dates they’ve ever done.

Back at the hotel, Brittney gets the next one-on-one date.  She is the girl who came to the first night with her Grandma and she’s just not into the date at all.  She is uncomfortable and wants to go home.  It makes sense because this is a sweet girl who is missing the whore gene.

Sidebar:  There is no way that this show needs to be two hours each week. The way they drag it out is annoying and makes me want to break things. Between the dramatic pauses, the 30 minute rose ceremonies, and the useless Chris Harrison, it’s almost too much to handle.  Almost.

It’s time for the group date to hang out in the hot tub and Ben asks for alone time with Rachel.  She is pretty but a little dumb. They have a little kiss time and she is giddy.  She thinks it’s romantic and they are connected.  How is kissing with your competition watching romantic?

How does dating a man at the same time as he is dating a bevy of other women feel like you are making a real connection?  If my daughter wanted to go on this show I would forbid it.  I find myself laughing at these girls and feeling a little sad for them at the same time.

Kacie B. is the frontrunner and she is having a hard time watching him make out with other girls. She is sweet but needs to get a grip because she could blow it by getting too clingy.  He assures her its fine, and she goes in for the kiss. The more he likes her, the less I like her.

Brittney makes the decision to go home and heads out to say bye.  She is a doll and I want her to meet someone wonderful at her church, get married, and have lots of babies.  She is just too good for this show and I am proud of her for staying true to herself and bailing.

Ben says he is surprised she left, but he’s not.  He was not into her and we all know it.  He tells her to say hi to her Grandma, which is a nice touch. Brittney is a really lovely girl and I’m happy for her that she left.  Back at the party Ben gives the groups date rose to Rachel.

She is saying it is one of the best days of her life and I’m thinking this chick might not have a great life.  Kacie B. is shooting daggers at her and I’m loving all the crazy.  I also want to know why everyone is calling San Francisco San Fran? Do people really do that?  It sounds weird to me.

Lindzi, the first impression rose horse girl, gets the final on-on-one date.  She looks like she is wearing a wig and her hair is in her face. They both need a haircut, and quite frankly a brush.  They tour the city and end up at the San Francisco City Hall, which is amazing.

They get into the building and there is a guy singing and Lindzi tells us all about it as if she totally knew who he was.  No way.  She had no idea who Math Nathanson was and furthermore, she thinks Ben planned this amazing date.  Ben did nothing to plan this date.  Grow up.

They go out for dinner and we are told about how Lindzi got dumped by post it.  Wasn’t that an episode of Sex and the City?  So original.  Ben digs her, gives her a rose, and she is safe.  She is oddly appealing. By appealing of course I mean an airhead who deserves a chance.

It’s cocktail party time and we see some mystery chick coming for Ben. Whatever.  There is always some loser who comes back and it never works out so who cares about who it is?  It’s just a way to fill two hours so we forget we want to kill ourselves and watch a little longer.

Jennifer pulls Ben aside and tells him she really likes him.  He then tells her she is the best kisser in the house and she is thrilled.  In a house full of skanky whores is it really a big deal to be labeled the best kisser?  I like this girl and she is my personal favorite at the moment.

The mystery girl is Shawntel, the funeral director from Brad’s season.  She was a freak on her own season and she is a freak here.  Does she really think she has a shot in hell of getting a rose?  Did she think she should show up with her hair like that?  Did she think at all?  This chick is a loon.

Courtney is causing trouble and it’s the most entertaining thing about this show.  She is really, really dumb and incredibly mean, and watching her is fascinating.  I want her to be locked in a room with Drita and Karen from Mob Wives for an hour.  They will smack the bitch right out of her.

The girls are trashing Courtney and Emily even says she has a mental disorder.  Agreed.  Ben is fawning over her and she asks him how much on a scale of 1 to 10 he likes her.  Really?  Courtney is a fame whore. By fame whore of course I mean just a plain old fashioned whore.

Ben is chatting with someone whose name I don’t remember when Shawntel walks in wearing a very unfortunate dress.  The girls are freaking out and it’s classic.  Even after she freshens up, she still has not fixed her hair.  Epic fail.  Shawntel asks Ben to talk with her.

Shawntel is telling Ben she feels something for him and the other girls are watching and losing their minds.  Ben is flustered, Shawntel is desperate, and heads are flying off of bodies.  She tells him she wants a rose and to enter the competition.  I now want to cut my own eyes out.

Shawntel is telling the girls she wants a shot and the girls are wanting to kill her.  They are screaming at her that she does not know their Ben, she had a shot with Brad, and she needs to get the hell out.  They are calling her ugly, fat, and delusional.  It’s perfect fake reality television.

Best line of the night?  Shawntel is Brad’s dumpster trash.  Love it. She is sloppy seconds and fake model bitch Courtney is crying.  They are all crying and it’s insanely funny.  If he gives Chantal a rose they are all bailing.  As if. By bailing of course they mean they are not bailing.

Chris is back to put us to sleep by explaining to the dingbats that two of the girls are going home tonight.  Courtney is the first to be called up and the girl who was not going to take a rose, takes it.  Loser.  He then goes through the chicklets until there are three girls left with only one rose.

Nicki is this week’s nervous breakdown.  She is bawling like her dog just died at the thought of Shawntel getting a rose.  She then gets a rose and is miraculously fine.  Ben is about to hand out the final rose and Erica passes out, apparently from the stress of Shawntel.

Erica, Jaclyn and Shawntel are the three he is choosing from and Ben decides that he is not giving any of them a rose and is passing on the final rose of the night.  He sends them all home.  Erica is weak from her emotional meltdown and collapses, while Jaclyn runs off crying like she had a shot.

Ben walks out Shawntel and Courtney yells out “See ya”, with a laugh.  Ben explains to Shawntel he is flattered but keeping her would not have been fair.  She is pissed, their parting is awkward, then she cries.  Apparently Ben was not man enough to keep.  Good story.

Ben leaves Erica and her inside lip tattoo alone on a bench, Shawntel is still bitching, and Jaclyn is out.  The other girls find out they are going to Park City for their next adventure.  Next week looks awesome and I can’t wait. This show is fabulous, but nothing about it is keeping it real.