The Bachelor RECAP

Before we get started let me just vent on a couple of things.  1) It totally pisses me off when Ben sys he planned his dates.  He planned nothing.  He is a puppet, as he should be, and we know he is going with the flow.  2) That these chicks are crying so much and proclaiming their love for Ben makes me laugh.  By laugh of course it mean I think they are all demented.

We are in Sonoma as Ben is spending a few days with the chicks in the town he calls home.  He’s sweet and I think I really like him, but when he talks I start fantasizing about cutting his hair.  It looks dirty.  Wash your hair Ben. It’s what your dad would have wanted.  The first date card goes to Kacie B. and the claws are coming out.

Ben and Kacie go on a walk through town and they are cute, young and for the next hour, madly in love.  It’s a little sugary for me and these two together give me a cavity.  As they twirl a baton down Main Street, and Ben proclaims to be man enough to do it.  I have to laugh because it’s clearly 3 am, there is nobody watching, and nobody cares.

Ben talks in slow motion.  Probably because his hair is so long it blocks his hearing so there is a delay.  He gives a rose to Kacie and she is safe because he can really see her living there with him.  This is vomit inducing, yet I cannot seem to get enough of it.  They are falling in television love while back at the house the bitches are scheming.

Ben and Kacie go to a movie theater and they show a video montage of the two of them growing up.  Ben sees himself as a child with his dad and while I openly love to hate this show, I am now crying.  I love Ben, I love his dad, I miss my own dad, I want them to live happily ever after.  The Bachelor is the best worst reality show ever.

It’s time for the group date and these eleven chicks are a seriously crazy bunch.  They are going to put on a play that has been written by a group of kids.  They need to “audition” for a part and the public humiliation is fantastic.  What these chicks will do to get one more night in the harem is shocking.  We can clearly separate the fame whores from the nice girls.

I could write about Blakeley and her boobs but there is no point.  She makes me want to cut myself with a shard of glass.  She’s disgusting.  Back at the house Courtney is being a horrible witch to the other girls. She has a deformed mouth of some kind and really strange eyebrows.  She is a loon and I don’t find her at all interesting.

They are rehearsing the play and I’m bored.  It’s just silly but anytime we see Jenna is fun so it’s worth it for those glimpses.  Listening to the girls talk about how nervous they are because the audience is expecting a serious show from real actors is making me want to bang my head against the wall. If not for my wine I would have a concussion right now.

I’m not sure if anything funny happened during the play because I skipped over it.  I also want to once again mention that Chris Harrison is not needed on this show.  He does nothing and there is simply no need.  It’s cocktail and hot tub time. Blakeley’s teeth are too big and I think she looks like that Saved By the Bell chick who did Striptease.

Important to note, Blakeley will have to split her fifteen minutes of fame with her boobs, which is good and means we’ll only have to deal with 5 minutes.  Samantha goes off to hide in the bathroom and is comforted by a couple of the other girls while sitting on the toilet.  Classy.  She’s pissed that Blakeley is such a bitch.  Whatever.

Back at the house Courtney gets the next one on one date and she gloats, fake laughs, and stabs a knife into the other girl’s hearts.  Just a jab, but still enough to hurt. On the group date the girls are all over Ben in the pool and it’s so dirty.  Jennifer is falling for him and totally makes out with him in the hot tub.  She’s cute.  Too bad.

They have absolutely no chemistry and so it looks gross.  The girls all think Jennifer will get the rose since she rocked it in the play, and when Blakeley hears that she goes back for more one on one with Ben and makes out with him.  Everyone is watching them from the bushes and poor Jennifer is crushed.  I feel sad for her. She’s a little dumb.

Ben gives out the one rose of the night and it goes to the whore bag.  I mean Blakeley.  Jennifer is crying because she wants to fall in love and I want to hug her and tell her she is too pretty and sweet to be on this show. Everyone thinks Blakeley is a bitch, and possibly a man. When she rejoins the group they all get up and leave.  Hilarious.

Ben takes his dog and goes to pick up Courtney for their date.  He thinks she’s gorgeous but she’s odd looking.  He is gushing all over her, which is cute, but pathetic.  Her outfit is ugly and her saying she never dates is ridiculous. She is a fame whore and no matter how much Ben tries to talk himself into this one, he family will veto it.

I just noticed that she has a slightly protruding forehead and her eyes cross a little when she tries to think.  She can’t be trusted.  She’s bored at their dinner and is thinking about fame not Ben.  She probably idolizes Kim Kardashian.  Next. I’m skipping over the rest of their date before I jump out the window just to make it stop.

It’s time for the cocktail; party and Ben wants to spend time with the girls who didn’t get a date this week.  He hangs with Lindzi who got the first impression rose and it’s a little awkward.  They have not spoken since she made such a good impression.  She’s a little horse obsessed and so while the dimple is awesome, she is boring and won’t last.

Ben then goes off with Samantha who had a mini breakdown on the group date.  She is telling him she is normal when Blakeley walks in and breaks up their time for more one on one time, which the girls think is selfish because she already has a rose.  It’s a competition girls, not a make out with the same guy and get new friends show.  Losers.

Blakeley goes to talk to Ben again and he blows her off.  We’re not told why but I imagine it’s because he needed to go to the bathroom.  The girls now all officially hate Blakeley and think she is a whore. Ben returns and asks Jenna for alone time.  She is a freaking mess and that she blogs about finding love is brilliant.  He is clearly repulsed by her.

She makes weird movements with her mouth and to secure her fate, she tells Ben she thinks she is not only a man, but not a good girl.  She is mumbling, making no sense, and appears to be having a brain malfunction of some kind.  I don’t even think she is drunk.  She has cemented her spot as a reality TV train wreck and I have loved every minute.

I didn’t bother with Blakely and her fake and scripted luggage room chat with Ben because I’ve wasted too much time on her and her whoring ways. I’m jumping to the rose ceremony where my beloved Jenna is sent home, along with some girl in a red dress whose name I can’t remember.  As loyal viewers they should have given us one more week of Jenna.

Jenna is crying and feels sick.  She is in shock and cannot believe this is happening.  She asks the cameraman if he is kidding her.  She is mortified! She deserves love and has been searching for it!  Damn you Bachelor!  She was the best part of this show and I am shocked.  Mortified!  I must blog about this now!  Time to keep it real!