Real Housewives of Orange County Finale Recap

Typos this evening are sponsored by Jose Cuervo.

This season feels like it lasted a year, not a few weeks.  They are painful. I know they will come back, and it will be all about fake friendships and Gretchen planning her wedding, so with this finale, I am out.  I will watch another season of course, we are too invested to not watch, but I will not blog it any longer.  They are simply not that interesting.  They don’t like each other, so why should we like them? Here is my last RHOC blog!

We pick up at Vicki’s Winter Wonderland party.  Everyone is pissed off at Gretchen, and I honestly don’t remember why.  Someone is always on the outs and it has shifted from Alexis to Gretchen.  Alexis would have us think it is God’s will, but I would argue they are not mad at her because that is how the show was written.  Gretchen and Slade arrive and have decided to not tell anyone about their engagement because nobody will be supportive.

Lydia just called Slade a douchelord.  I have been using that word in this blog since season one, so perhaps she is reading.  Ryan will talk to anyone who will listen about Vicki.  So gross. Ryan is talking smack about Vicki and Brooks to Gretchen and Slade.  Really?  Gretchen says she hears things through the “grapevines” and I am on drink number one.  These chicks are mentally deficient.  Something bad is about to happen. For real.

Gretchen and Heather start talking.  Gretchen is hurt Heather spoke about her offer to be on a sitcom, and Heather is pissed off that anyone would have the balls to think they are an actress when she is the ONLY actress on this show. Gretchen is calling Heather out on her acting ego, and Heather thinks that Gretchen is delusional.  Heather wants to talk about her show taping which was weeks ago.  How old are these losers? Embarrassing.

Heather and Gretchen have been talking for what seems like hours.  I’m so bored.  Slade joins in, lies, and nothing is resolved, but they still hug and kiss.  So lame.  Cut to Vicki, she asks Tamra to be her best friend and gives her a BFF bracelet.  Dear Lord.  This is mortifying.  Jim and Alexis are talking to Tamra, and Jim is gross.  Alexis is controlled by him, and bless her she seems happy, so I guess that is her thing.  I think Jim is odd.

Tamra pronounces schmuck as shmock and I am laughing.  Tamra is apologizing to Jim, who is crying, as is Alexis.  She wipes her tears on his scarf, which he says cost $1000.00.  I’m pretty sure he got it at Ross for 20 bucks.  Terry is eating, Heather is nitpicking at him, then it goes down. Judy, my FAVORITE, is in the house and has her feet on a couch.  Ryan tells her he owns the house and she needs to remove her feet from the couch.

Ryan is dropping F bombs and telling her he is going to kick her out.  He is yelling at Judy, yelling at Vicki, yelling at everyone, and it is disgusting.  He is drunk, clearly mentally unstable, and I feel bad for Judy.  She is the most harmless, and most lovely woman on this show and Ryan is out of line.  He may be in the military, which I admire and respect more than anything, but he is also an idiot and needs to grow up.  Vicki should tell him to leave.

Alexis has run to Lydia’s defense, Lydia is upset, while Judy is shaken. It is very sad.   Vicki’s brother is telling Ryan it is not his house and if he is upset, he should leave the party, not Vicki’s guests.  Judy says she will stay because she does not want to hurt Vicki.  I love Lydia and Judy.  Vicki is off to talk to Ryan, and Tamra thinks a joint will help take the edge off.  Bravo Tamra.   Vicki is making excuses for Ryan, which I sort of get.

Vicki is lovely to Lydia and tells her she is sorry. Good for her.  Briana is clearly embarrassed and Ryan is still being an asshole.  Brianna is defending her husband, but she is wrong.  Vicki uses this as the time to tell Briana that Brooks is back in the picture. Briana tells Vicki she is going to move out with the baby. Ryan is as much to blame to the dismantling of this family as Brooks is.  Why so angry? Perhaps we are dealing with a  small penis?

Heather invites Jim and Alexis over for lunch.  Heather thinks it is not a big deal but Alexis is already picking out a BFF bible in her head.  Alexis is entertaining.  Important to note I am drinking and when I read this in the morning I will tell myself, no she isn’t!  Sidebar:  I totally forgot about the reunion shows!  It is going to be a 3 part extravaganza and I will blog all 3. I began the season and I will finish it. Reunions included!

Tamra and Gretchen are talking.  Well Tamra is talking and Gretchen in listening.  These women are painfully immature. I wonder if I hang upside down and drink my booze through a straw this show will get interesting.  Wait here a minute……….. whoo hoo! That was fun. Best part was I missed 3 minutes of crap.  So great.  Don’t try this at home people.  I am a professional.  Seriously, try it.  It was fun and you miss some of the crap.

Tamra and Gretchen solve nothing, but they hug and kiss. This is lame! Vicki confronts Slade and Gretchen about the smack he is talking about her.  Slade thinks it is hilarious. Vicki gives Slade a bottle of her Vicki’s Bacon Vodka.  Gretchen mocks Vicki and I want to smack her.  Slade is picking a fight, Gretchen is picking a fight, and Slade says if Vicki wants to be treated like a lady, she needs to put away her dick.

I think Slade is a moron, but that line was brilliant.  All the ladies are now listening in and telling Slade to stop talking crap about women.  Slade says he is giving what he is getting.  So mature.  Lydia chimes in and tells Slade is a pig.  She is not standing for his crap.  Love her. Lydia is now over Gretchen too. Vicki is now screeching at Gretchen and I do not understand why Gretchen and Slade don’t go.  They were never welcome.

And so it ends.  Before the finale, which will probably change my opinions on a few of the ladies, I will say that Vicki is desperate, Heather is pretentious. Alexis is harmless, Lydia is good television, Tamra is exhausting, Gretchen is revolting, and Lauri is a whore.  I’d like to say it has been a fun season, but that would be a lie.  The reunion will be the best part so I will be here watching, drinking, blogging, and keeping it real.