Real Housewives of Orange County is Unwatchable

Typos are generously sponsored by Merlot.

I watch a lot of reality television. It makes me cringe, laugh, and cry. I am often left confused, grateful, and on rare occasions, even happy. This week’s episode of RHOC took me to a whole new level of emotion. I was embarrassed to be watching, embarrassed for the people of Bali who hosted these women, and unable to do my job, which is blog about it all.

This group of women is simply unwatchable and there is no amount of booze that will get me through it. They suck the energy out of me and I end up having a headache. I laugh at them not with them. I pray for a power outage so I don’t have to watch, and think about impaling myself with the remote so I have an excuse for not being able to write.

The bottom line is The Real Housewives of OC have had their moment and they need to go. If this is not the final season then there is something seriously wrong with the people at Bravo. These women are a mess and to continue filming the dysfunction and embarrassing behavior is doing a disservice to their children. Bravo must walk away.

It is my job to write about these shows and so I will, but I’m skipping my regular recap format and will just give a list of ten things that happened this week proving these women have hit a wall and need to stop.  We are almost done with the season so I will keep watching, but only because its like crack and I can’t stop. I am done after this season.

1) We are supposed to believe all six women arrived in separate cars when they all live close to each other. I call bullshit.

2) They included Danielle on the trip. Who is Danielle? They only reason they brought her is because nobody wants to film with Lizzie because she is a bore.

3) The women are screaming like banshees at everything they see and it is mortifying. They are why people think Americans are obnoxious and abrasive.

4) They go to a group dinner after travelling for 24 hours, and everyone is falling asleep at the table, but dinner is happening damn it.  Heather, who is one of the most unappealing women on reality TV, gives all the women crowns, which is somewhat odd. Vicki is mocking the waiter, and Heather pretends she is going to pay the bill. As if.

5) Shannon is annoyed her kayak doesn't have a drink holder.

6) We listen to Vicki dry heaving from carsickness for what feels like 30 minutes. It is disgusting and we have now resorted to listening to a grown woman fake vomit.

7) They ruin a beautiful afternoon of elephant riding through remarkable scenery by screeching, gossiping, and not even paying attention to where they are.

8) The editing is horrible. One minute they have purses, then in the same conversation have no purses. The entire episode of Lizzie’s birthday showed only Vicki at the party, yet we see footage of Danielle at the same party. It is not in any type of chronological order.

9) They have an entire conversation about asses being itchy, calling each other dumb, and talking about vaginas. They are rude to the wait staff, being very loud, and hashing up things from a million years ago. They are high school mean girls all fighting for camera time and to be the Queen. They are willing to lie about everything to be relevant, seemingly forgetting it is all on tape and the lies are easy to prove,

10)  Lizzie lets us know she is not having sex with her husband, Danielle is invisible, Heather is in love with herself, Shannon finds out Tamra told everyone about her divorce email, Vicki is just too loud, and Tamra is spending all her time showing the Orange County court system that perhaps she is an unfit mother.

Next week Tamra will implode, the trip will be ruined, and we will end the season in a massive pile of crap. There is nothing interesting happening here. These women are humiliating themselves and it is not fun to watch, but actually rather painful. This show is bad for women, bad for their kids, and frankly bad for America.

That seems like a dramatic statement but it is true. If this show is watched by other countries, or other forms of life for that matter, we look ridiculous. The good news is if alien life forms are thinking about abducting humans to study, this show will turn them right off the idea. Canceling this show is the only way for Bravo to keep it real.