Real Housewives of New Jersey is Back in the Gutter

Typos are generously sponsored by Jose Cuervo.

Things are ugly again in New Jersey. As much as these women try to be ladies, at the end of the day they can’t quite pull it off. This is a group of seasoned professionals when it comes to the art of being a fame whore. They are following a script, have an agenda, and there is not a lot of reality happening here. The truth is when it comes to the Real Housewives of New Jersey, Teresa Guidice is the only reason to watch.

Everyone is scrambling for a position next to Teresa so when her legal situation ends they can say they're friends with her and sell stories to the tabloids. Melissa is a liar who could care less about Teresa in my opinion. Dina loves her and is the only true friend she has on this show, but Dina’s storyline is non-existent and I still haven't figured out whey she came back when everything of interest to us is off limits to her.

We start with Melissa and Joe at the car dealership because Melissa has smashed her car. Not a big deal except it is a Bentley and the smallest repair costs a fortune. Joe is saying they have money trouble but Melissa wants us to think they're rich as can be. I’m guessing the truth is they are broke because Joe is hiding stuff so he is not caught up in a Federal investigation like Juicy and Teresa.

I like Joe, think he is married to an idiot, and these people don’t have any money. The only money coming in is from shooting the show and Melissa can spend that in a day as she pretends to be something she is not. The girl is stupid. An unkind word to be sure, but she is just stupid. They start gossiping about Jim and how he doesn’t want to hang out with Juicy as it is a conflict of interest with his work. 

Melissa is a troublemaker trying to solidify her spot on the show should Teresa go to prison. Bravo should end this show and give Teresa a new show after the legal stuff is over, following her as a single mother. The bill for the car repair is about $7000 and Joe doesn't have the money to pay for it. He is stressed out, Melissa calls him cheap, and I'm thinking Bravo paid the bill because he can’t.

Over to Dina, we’re in her ridiculously perfect closet where she is trying to get rid of some shoes. I call bullshit. She is not getting rid of shoes as much as she is showing off her closet. Good for her, but why be silly about it.  Dina is fabulous but needs to start giving us good TV because this isn’t cutting it. Dina is talking about moving into an apartment. Really? This is a waste of time, although her assistant Luke is great.

The twins, Melissa, and Tre are shopping for costumes for the “First Responders” party. Everyone is looking at fireman, police, and nurse outfits, but Melissa wants to be a sailor. Because you know, sailors respond first to emergencies. Her stupidity is painful. Tre is dumb, but Melissa is stupid. The twins are going on and on about Amber telling Melissa that Nicole is a home wrecker. This should be fun.

Time for a family scene at Teresa’s house. Her kids are all gorgeous, and fun to watch. It is very sad because you know they are trying to capture important moments before the sentencing happens. They give the girls a family portrait and tell them to always be close and take care of each other. It is heart wrenching. Teresa cries and the girls are concerned. Juicy tells the girls to hang onto each other and it is compelling.

Jumping to Amber and Jim, they're making a commercial for Jim’s work. He tells us he doesn't like his job and only does it to support his family. He is really a writer. Dear Lord, he is now peddling his unpublished books? Jim probably has a very small penis. Bless him. I'm not interested in these people. The kids are cute, but Amber is a tool and Jim is repulsive. These people do not belong on TV and certainly not here.

Let’s take time out of tonight’s show for a scripted visit with Nicole and Dina. My eyes are bleeding. I can’t tell the twins apart. Their voices are painful. Nicole wants to set up Dina, but Dina is not ready because Venus is in retrograde or something, I can’t. This is so lame. Nicole is not into Bobby and it shows. This is their first party together and may be the beginning of the end of their boring and unfulfilling relationship.

Watching Dina pick out an outfit is like watching paint dry. Melissa is dressed as part of the SWAT Team, but has no idea what SWAT means. Juicy is dressed in a suit because he can be whatever he wants to be. I freaking love Juicy. They are talking about Jim and how he doesn't want to hang out with Juicy. It is all a set up for a falling out. These people are trying really hard to channel their inner Soprano.

Matt arrives and is a fireman Nicole wants to set up with Dina. Matt is a buffoon and reminds me of the fireman Samantha slept with after meeting him on Staten island when Carrie judged a handsome fireman contest on Sex & the City. He is cute, but no. Dina arrives, in scrubs, and I'm bored. This isn't even awkward funny. It is not only not funny, but not interesting. The party is in the basement?

This is perfect. A high school party for high school mean girls. Rino, the only entertaining one in the twin’s camp, announces he wants to release a cookbook. There you have it. Everyone has an agenda, even the men who are simply along for the ride. Rosie arrives with Kathy. I can't stand Kathy and think Rosie should have been a housewife. Dina knows she is being set up and wishes she had stayed home. 

Juicy is adorable, Rino is fabulous, and the bitches are ready to rumble. Matt asks Dina out in front of everyone and it is beyond awkward. She is talking too much, he is a blowup doll, and I can’t.  Jim and Amber arrive and you know bad things are coming. We are about to jump into the gutter with rats in three, two, one. Jim says hello to Juicy and is perfectly fine. It is the women we need to worry about.

Amber says hello to Teresa, who is a bitch to her, then runs to Nicole to get the fight started. Amber follows Teresa to Nicole and asks what is going on. Nicole tells Amber she owes her an apology for calling her a whore. Melissa says she never said that, Amber now knows Melissa is involved, the screaming starts and Nicole immediately grabs Amber’s hair. The basement party fight is now on.

Melissa is trying to break up the fight she started and it is gross. The women are embarrassing themselves, their state, and most importantly their children. Amber tells the camera she would never have said Nicole broke up a marriage as we cut to the tape of her saying that exact thing.  Melissa “feels terrible and is in shock”. Melissa is to blame for this entire fight. I can’t do this if this is the show.

Jim tells Bobby Nicole pulled out Amber’s hair. Bobby doesn’t understand what is happening, and all the men puff up their chests to protect the women. Rino goes after Jim, calling him a jerk off, and Juicy is sitting and minding his own business. Jim is mad at Bobby for telling everyone what he said about Juicy.  Rino makes it about the men not the women because he wants a cookbook. Rino is on fire.

Jim tells Joe he investigates fraud, calls out Juicy, and next week it continues and it is shameful. We started the season with hope that the darkness was over with the departure of Caroline, Jacqueline, and Kathy, but we are right back in the gutter. The fighting, backstabbing, and deliberate infliction of humiliation for camera time is gross and it is obvious they have no intension of keeping it real.